who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

@CoffeeIsTheAnswer1
busy looking after children yes.

Oh I missed the bit where he's refusing to have his children. Can you quote it for me please?

@Whinge Claire is a sahm who is supported in that by her husbands job. Ben is supported In his work by both Sarah and Claire.
They all rely on each other.

I think that's highly unlikely considering Ben has agreed to increase the contact with the children he shares with Sarah.

If that's all you did as a SAHM then yes, it's easy to fit in other things unscheduled. Most SAHMs are looking after children while doing other things alongside.

Nothing to do with Claire. I think Sarah should have cleared that before taking the job but it sounds she is doing the lion share of parenting so it would be decent for Ben to step up. He sounds like a shit dad.

I've had a look, still can't see it. I did in fact see the bit where he's actually agreed to taking the kids an extra day. Mmmh, are you just making things up?

Sure, although there’s nothing OP has said to suggest their marriage is in trouble so I imagine they’ll be fine.

Ben isn’t refusing to have the children though, he’s refusing to have to schedule dictated by unpredictable shift work.

So because you did it for your sister, Claire has to do it for his husbands ex? Claire should only make her own schedule around Sarah. Because Sarah decided she wanted a certain job and never thought to speak with the first.

Have you heard yourself?

Maybe Sarah should give 60-70% care to Ben. But I am guessing she won’t want to.

Ben isn’t refusing to have the children though, he’s refusing to have to schedule dictated by unpredictable shift work.

This is pretty much what it boils down to not at all unreasonable of him really but let's not let a tiny thing like facts get in the way of the fabulous fiction writing that this thread is eliciting. 😅

Op also says Claire has a career she’s probably going back to so even if they did cover Sarah now it would be short lived.
I couldn’t live with a chaotic schedule changing each week.
They are both saying yes to having them and having them more days but just wanting set days which is perfectly sensible.

So what would Ben do if Claire took a job that was shift work?
Plenty of mothers do. Nurses for example.
Just because Ben is now a part time dad doesn't mean he gets to dictate when he takes responsibility for those children.
Maybe he should help sarah find suitable childcare or ask family for help. But he can't just outright refuse to help at all.

@Caprisunny

I'm guessing Claire will never allow Ben to have more custody seeing as she doesn't want to care for his kids unless it fits into her meticulously planned schedule and is at arms length.

I would expect Claire would organise childcare to cover the periods where Ben wasn't available (with Ben's help). Ben has offered to have the children almost 50/50. That should happen and each party covers any childcare needed on their time.

We can't always just do what we want when we have children. I've let many dream jobs go. Working shift wouldn't be an option for me. I only accept jobs that fit around my childcare needs because they come first.

Who knows? She hasn’t though, so its irrelevant. If ever she does, that will be something she’ll sort with her husband.

no matter how many scenarios you want to invent, or how many times you want to say she ‘should’ be willing to help, there’s no getting around the fact that she isn’t responsible for her stepchildren and she doesn’t have to help if she doesn’t want to. That’s it, bottom line.

You don't know if that's true. I'm not a stepmother but I know I would need a predictable schedule. It was hard enough when my teenager was working shifts because we could never plan anything with any certainty. I'd be happy to have step kids and include them fully, but I would tell their father I need to set days.

Yes, I was wondering whether the answers to @interestingly8 to suck it up, would be the same if it were a man needing his DC's mother to be more flexible.

In fact, the PPs who are telling the OP to suck it up ARE supporting the man as the person who should not be expected to be flexible.

We give fathers such an easy ride. Too easy.

In fact, the PPs who are telling the OP to suck it up ARE supporting the man as the person who should not be expected to be flexible

I don't think anyone should have to be flexible enough that they don't know what they're doing from one week to the next. It doesn't matter if they're a man, woman, child or a bloody hedgehog. There should be a set routine so everyone know where they are and what they're doing.

How has this not come up in conversation before now? Surely Sarah would have said to Ben at the start of her learning or training that things would be shift patterns.

Its impractical for Ben and Claire to have to say "ill let you know" whenever anyone invites them somewhere 2 months before - just incase Sarah wants them to have the kids for her. No sorry it doesn't work that way!

Legally sarah will have 2 weeks notice of her shift pattern.
Both Claire and Ben should always take into account their responsibilities to Ben and Sarah's children, so they either take all the children with them or they go to the same person who's babysitting their own 2 children if it's an occasion where children can't come.

Lol, you live in dream world. I would never, ever want or need my DH’s ex to babysit my kids.

they have literally agreed to the DCS coming over more. It's close to 50/50. Maybe Ben should push for that?

Again: it is about compromise. Sarah needs, as the asker, to come up with some solutions that don't include "claire can do it" (which, to be fair, she isn't going to i think)

@FarEast exactly. Imagine if this were. A stepfather refusing to accept his wife's other children as his own or the wife refusing to budge on a rigid schedule of when she has her own bloody children!.

they aren't refusing. They are, understandably, asking for a routine.

And as we all know, routines are good for the DCs. It is better if they have a routine.

@yogasaurus

I live in a world where I wouldn't marry and have a family with someone who already had a family and I wouldn't start a new family either.