who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

I think criticism of Ben is rather unfair.

In the OP it is literally stated that he is happy to increase the amount of time that DCs are at his, but this is caveated with wanting a fixed rather than flexible pattern.

Surely many people are in the situation where a fixed work pattern is needed and it would be something Sarah can request.

@fullbloom87

claire DOES get to opt out

He did. Read the OP. He arranged his work to fit around the children, and he's now going to have the children almost 50/50. Presumably, the current setup suited the OP's studying and part-time job. Now she wants to change it.

I'm surprised people aren't calling for the OP's ex-fiance to honour his commitment to helping her out.

How does Ben sound shit?

He's not the father of the children. This is what happens when relationships fail, things change.

She can request it but if it doesn’t work for Ben and Claire then they don’t have to say yes. They also have 2 other children to think about.

Presumably the children are older. The step mum doesn't have to help out. But I think where a person works shifts then some flexibility is required in co parenting.
How far ahead would the mum know here work pattern?

Reading the OP, I'm not getting any indication that Ben is 'refusing to discuss' arrangements. You can discuss it and still conclude that it isn't suitable, for the kids as well as Ben.

Ben arranging his work around the children has been pretty easy for him given he’s had them for one weekday a fortnight for 7 years though.
I do agree that fixed days are fair for the kids and that if ben can’t manage more weekdays, he sorts childcare. Sarah also sorts childcare.

All my NHS friends have been able to request a set shift for one of their shifts, this may help?

Claire isn't their parent either. But that hasn't stopped people saying she should help out. People can't see beyond their own bigotry towards men and stepmothers.

He's offered to do 6 nights out of 14.

Presumably Claire does help out in her way as they live with her part of the time. I'm sure she doesn't ignore them. Claire is, very reasonably like Ben, just needing some sort of predictable schedule. I choose my jobs around my children always.

That doesn't mean dumping childcare onto Claire. Ben and Sarah need to work this out between themselves.

Stepmothers are not free childcare.

I choose my jobs around my children always.

Like Ben did. Unlike what OP did.

I don't get why Claire wouldn't want to help

Due to the ages of your children's siblings I would say YABU. Would be a big ask to have her wrestle an 18 month old and 3 year old into the car in the middle of the day, possibly interrupting naps, to nanny your children. Good for you on the new job but VU to expect your exs partner to pick up childcare. You've asked your ex and he won't so you should be looking at after school clubs really.

You must have a quiet life to not get why someone can't handle living around someone else's unpredictable schedule.

She might want to help, but it should be her choice. The Op is expecting her to help, and that's not ok.

He has them 2 nights in the week day, not 1 and I’m guessing everyone has been happy with the arrangement considering it’s happened for so long.

He will also be doing 6/14 soon but wants set days which is reasonable.

I bet the OP don’t want 50/50 so her money doesn’t disappear from him.

Anything concerning co parenting, flexible or not, is between Ben and Sarah. Not Claire.

Really…..

Why would she want to offer free child care to 2 kids that are not hers as well as look after her own two…

Its not hard to see why.

Do you need to get it? Bottom line is that it’s not her responsibility.

How many children are you babysitting for free?