who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

Ben is doing what he can by offering to have the children near 50/50 (6 of 14 nights). It is not unreasonable to have a set schedule. Claire seems to be accepting that she married a man with kids just fine. They are in her home when they are staying there with their Dad and her after all. Marrying a man with kids doesn't mean being beholden to the choices of his ex. Sarah seems to want Ben and Claire to be able to take the kids whenever she has a shift. That's not a reasonable ask.

Court would look at best interests of children. Dad is currently offering 6/14 on set days. That seems very reasonable to me. Wanting set days so you can sort work or book childcare isn’t unreasonable at all.
Sarah seems to have just assumed that Claire will have them - she could be going back to work or studying or taking her two to activities that’s her choice.
If Sarah can’t make shifts work then look for another job.

Ben is so unreasonable. Who makes four human beings and then leaves them to their mothers to care for, for years and years? He already had two children. Why create even more when he only sees them a few days a week?

Ben needs to go part-time and pull his weight with the care of his children.

tbh i think that Sarah needs to work out her own childcare. A woman who is in no way connected to her isn't to be her backup childminder and it was very silly of her to suggest it.

She presumably knew this new job came with shift work, she should have calculated and worked out childcare in advance.

Massive Yawn, stop projecting.

Ah yes Sarah decides to get a job that completey messes up her children's routine and means everyone needs to change every week to suit her shifts, but of course Ben is the unreasonable one... because he's a man.

Claire knew ben had children and came as a package, Claire doesn't get to opt out. If you don't want the burden of other children don't pick someone with children and start a new family with them.

Yawn ....

Im assuming it’s healthcare - most probably nursing. I have a number of friends who are nurses and seriously struggle to juggle childcare. In training it’s probably more manageable as it would be short blocks of placement

shifts normally start at 7am- finish at 8pm or vise Versa which means a childminder/ childcare requirement from say 6:15am depending on commute until after say 8:30pm. Where does childcare like that?

I know from friend’s experiences there is no set shift pattern and the job adverts normally state shifts to cover a 24/7 service. They get out of flexible working by saying it doesn’t meet the services needs - I can see how they do this (don’t agree it’s fair) 90% or the workforce is female and a vast majority have children. Imagine trying to staff a ward with people who can only do XYZ and the shortfall they would have. I know friends rely on trying to swap shifts after the Rota comes out for this reason.

the nhs is a predominantly 24/7 service now even community nursing in our area is 12 hour shifts. And GP nurses usually have to have a vast amount of generic experience so wouldn’t be open to a newly qualified. I imagine a 9-5 or set shift role would be few and far between and rarely come up given as previously mention the majority of the workforce are women so most wouldn’t move out of that role that they had managed to secure for the exact reasons above.

Claire absolutely does get to opt out, which should be obvious as that’s precisely what she doing.

Everything changing weekly isn’t practical. So dad agrees alternative hours finishing work at 4pm mon to weds to see his kids. Then Sarah says oh no it’s Thurs Fri this week when he works late so he doesn’t see them.
Or they pay for 3 yr old swimming lessons on a Thurs except they miss every other week as Sarah suddenly wants to work Thursday and Claire can’t fit 4 kids in her car with car seats.
Even shopping and cooking is a hassle. Normally they know in advance what days there are 6 for tea.
Sounds like Sarah has had tunnel vision re job and just assumed everyone would fit around her.
Wanting set days doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to see them. Changing as a one off emergency is fine but constantly chopping and changing isn’t in his or children’s interests.
It adds a huge layer of hassle. Eg at minute dad knows he can sign kids up to activities or events on his days instead he’ll constantly have to check.

Oh dear

1. not Claire responsibility what so ever.
2. sarah should be allowed to have a set working pattern for this reason my employer enabled me to work a total different shift that was made up to enable me to work.
3. ben should help as much as he can but still have enough time with his new partner and young children like 50/50.

Sorry Sarah, but I'm in agreement with the majority, this is your problem. You explained you planned this career when you were with someone else, unfortunately shit happens. What I'm confused about is that you've already got a job (lined up?) but no plan. It's OK to ask for flexibility but not OK to expect. This has nothing to do with Claire.
Let's imagine you've done an access course and are now on your way to becoming a nurse/social worker or similar....whilst it's a great idea to get a professional and do something you enjoy if you are the main caregiver you need to be realistic.
Is tipping the balance an option? If their dad becomes the primary carer (and doesn't pay child support) would it be afeasible option? It's going to be a few years before your children are independent. It could be that your career plans need to be put on hold/adjusted for now, or you relinquish primary responsibility.

If Sarah works for the NHS and does shifts, she should request flexible working and work her shifts around the current/proposed childcare arrangements of 3 days per week. Plus, working shifts over the weekend will bump her wages up and she will also be free to spend her time with the kids when they’re with her. I don’t think you can just suddenly change things like that, it’s not fair on Ben and if he has to change things, it’s possible he won’t be able to provide as much for his children if he can’t do so financially.

While it would be NICE for Ben to make arrangements around Sarah's new shift work, it is unreasonable for Sarah to demand it. It was her decision to make life changes, and it's not really on Ben to bend his life to accomodate.
And it's CERTAINLY not Claire's problem.

Maybe you should read the updates before so posting so confidently!

I agree in a way. Women facilitate men to such a large degree, and many people can't even see it.

But 😂 at "who does this?" Lots of men make multiple children, never see them and don't pay a penny towards them.

Even if it would be nice for Ben to make arrangements, being nice may not be possible, not every employer can have you change your hours each week at the drop of a hat

I think Ben is being unreasonable. He's the children's father. Sarah has been doing the bulk of childcare & raising, and probably shouldering the bulk of the costs (we all know that the CMA rates don't touch the sides of what it actually costs). He needs to step up and take responsibility - the way he talks about his DC makes it sound as though he sees it as a chore and "helping", and that it's Sarah's responsibility.

Also, there's a verrrrry suspiciously close gap in terms of Ben & Claire's elder child and Ben & Sarah's younger child. Ben was playing away?

Everyone seems to have overlooked the obvious fact that ben is equally capable of hiring a babysitter to do school runs when he has the kids. Neither he nor Claire need to do the school run for his kids if he can’t manage it. But he can put the arrangements in place to do so. Him (& Claire) not being able to do the school run doesn’t mean he’s incapable making arrangements.

(Ie, neither ben nor Sarah need to adjust working plans if they put proper childcare in place)

Yes but he can only do that I'd he actually knows which days he is having them which is all he is asking, he wants consistent days each week not chopping and changing every week.

Ex and I did not split just to any infidelity. He did not leave me for his current wife although they did meet not long after we separated. I actually left him, he wasn't abusive but we didn't get along the relationship was not good. I do think he can be unsupportive purposefully sometimes.

OK, interesting that I wasn't the only one who wondered about this. I still think Ben is a bit of an arse. He didn't have to give up work for his children, and he's stayed selfish.

Problem is, Ben has NEVER shifted his life to accommodate his children, apparently. And it's always women who give things up, or work around children, or give up or compromise careers, or shift heaven & earth for their DC.

Fathers like Ben, not so much.

Ben seems to like to have the women around him reproducing, but doesn't want the bother of looking after his DC, let alone actually raising them.

Claire knew ben had children and came as a package, Claire doesn't get to opt out. If you don't want the burden of other children don't pick someone with children and start a new family with them.

Lol.

Even by OP’s admission Ben arranged his work around the children. So your post is not quite right…