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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

who is being unreasonable? new job and children

692 replies

interestingly8 · 16/08/2023 07:27

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 16/08/2023 12:06

It’s really difficult without having set hours it’s why shift work isn’t for everyone and why is pays a premium.
It’s not reasonable to expect him to pay for aftercare 5 nights in off chance Sarah fancies picking up a shift that day.
He’s arranged his work around set days. He wants to actually see the children.
There’s no point requesting flexible working to finish early some days if you aren’t actually seeing the children those days.
One dc is 11 so no childcare. If he’s at work and Claire is out or at work he might not want the dc on own but if his agreed early finish day isn’t aligned with Sarah’s shift that week then that’s what will happen.
Wanting set days doesn’t make him an arse.

BarbieWorldFantastic · 16/08/2023 12:07

Dixiechickonhols · 16/08/2023 12:06

It’s really difficult without having set hours it’s why shift work isn’t for everyone and why is pays a premium.
It’s not reasonable to expect him to pay for aftercare 5 nights in off chance Sarah fancies picking up a shift that day.
He’s arranged his work around set days. He wants to actually see the children.
There’s no point requesting flexible working to finish early some days if you aren’t actually seeing the children those days.
One dc is 11 so no childcare. If he’s at work and Claire is out or at work he might not want the dc on own but if his agreed early finish day isn’t aligned with Sarah’s shift that week then that’s what will happen.
Wanting set days doesn’t make him an arse.

Even 11 year olds can’t be left for whole shifts.
The op could be working 8,9, 10 hour shifts. You can’t leave a 11 year old for that long. It’s not an hour.

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 16/08/2023 12:07

Here’s a summary as some posters seem to be unable to read:

  1. There was no affair & no abuse, Sarah actually left Ben. Ben met Claire after the separation
  2. Ben arranged his work schedule AROUND the children’s current schedule - not the other way around. It seems Ben & Sarah have always worked to a fixed schedule hence Ben changing is work schedule rather than Sarah being flexible to accommodate him
  3. Ben currently has the children 5/14 but has agreed 6/14 - that’s 1 night away from 50/50
  4. Claire has not refused to “help out”, she has only refused a CHANGING SCHEDULE because it means she won’t ever be able to organise anything for her own children hence the request for SET DAYS
  5. Sarah studied / trained for her career based on her ex fiancé being around & promising to make it work - she is not in this predicament because Ben promised flexibility but has suddenly reneged. Sarah is in this situation because she based her career on her ex fiancé facilitating it. Ben changed his work schedule to fit around the children, unfortunately Sarah now needs to do the same
  6. Even if Ben upped care by 1 night a fortnight to 50/50 or became the resident parent, that would not help Sarah has that would also have to be on a set schedule

OP, congratulations on qualifying & I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it’s absolutely shit when all you’re trying to do is build a better life for you & your kids.

To everyone else, this isn’t a movie where there are goodies & baddies ffs. It’s shit that OP has found herself in this position because of her break up with her fiancé but that doesn’t make Ben & Claire the villains here - all they are asking for is set days so everyone knows what they are doing & can make the corresponding arrangements, that’s hardly unreasonable.

YourNameGoesHere · 16/08/2023 12:11

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 16/08/2023 12:07

Here’s a summary as some posters seem to be unable to read:

  1. There was no affair & no abuse, Sarah actually left Ben. Ben met Claire after the separation
  2. Ben arranged his work schedule AROUND the children’s current schedule - not the other way around. It seems Ben & Sarah have always worked to a fixed schedule hence Ben changing is work schedule rather than Sarah being flexible to accommodate him
  3. Ben currently has the children 5/14 but has agreed 6/14 - that’s 1 night away from 50/50
  4. Claire has not refused to “help out”, she has only refused a CHANGING SCHEDULE because it means she won’t ever be able to organise anything for her own children hence the request for SET DAYS
  5. Sarah studied / trained for her career based on her ex fiancé being around & promising to make it work - she is not in this predicament because Ben promised flexibility but has suddenly reneged. Sarah is in this situation because she based her career on her ex fiancé facilitating it. Ben changed his work schedule to fit around the children, unfortunately Sarah now needs to do the same
  6. Even if Ben upped care by 1 night a fortnight to 50/50 or became the resident parent, that would not help Sarah has that would also have to be on a set schedule

OP, congratulations on qualifying & I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it’s absolutely shit when all you’re trying to do is build a better life for you & your kids.

To everyone else, this isn’t a movie where there are goodies & baddies ffs. It’s shit that OP has found herself in this position because of her break up with her fiancé but that doesn’t make Ben & Claire the villains here - all they are asking for is set days so everyone knows what they are doing & can make the corresponding arrangements, that’s hardly unreasonable.

Great summary.

Honestly the amount of silly posts desperate to make this all Ben and Claire s fault simply because Ben is a man and Claire should just suck it up because she got together with him is ridiculous.

Yes it's shit that the OPs new job requires shifts but that's unfortunately not Ben or Claire's problem and as much as they would like to help it's not feasible for anyone involved to have such a chaotic contact schedule especially the children.

C8H10N4O2 · 16/08/2023 12:19

Hollyisalrightactuallysorry · 16/08/2023 09:33

@C8H10N4O2 Yes. In the current scenario the schedule has been organised to suit Ben's work pattern

It says in the OP that Ben changed his working pattern when the original contact was arranged - and it also says he is prepared to change and have them an extra night, he just wants set days as cannot change his work pattern again

Well he is saying he has arranged his work around the schedule but EoW and two nights during the alternate week doesn't sound like a great deal of "arranging" frankly. It sounds more like standard working hours.

It doesn't alter the fact that throughout his life as a father he has benefited from one, then two women acting as default parent to his children. If the children have two parents working then both parents need to flex a bit to accommodate the necessary childcare. Just like working parents who live together.

PP was correct - RPs, usually women, nearly always end up being the default parent whilst at the same time being expected to provide for themselves and not expect a "meal ticket for life" to use a delightful bit of sexism. At the same time huge sectors of the job market now expect shift work or variable hours contracts. Both parents need to work with this, not just one.

I agree with the comments saying its not Claire's responsibility - its Ben's job to work with his ex for the best overall outcome for the children and repay a bit of the default parenting Sarah has done for the last 11 years.

Vermin · 16/08/2023 12:21

My apologies- ben has had to do the pick up two or 3 nights each fortnight not one:
“The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.”

he’s had it easy.

Whinge · 16/08/2023 12:23

its Ben's job to work with his ex for the best overall outcome for the children

Does anyone actually think shifting days and not knowing where they are from one week to the next is in the best interests of the children? Confused

CoffeeIsTheAnswer1 · 16/08/2023 12:32

Whinge · 16/08/2023 12:23

its Ben's job to work with his ex for the best overall outcome for the children

Does anyone actually think shifting days and not knowing where they are from one week to the next is in the best interests of the children? Confused

The older kids will get fed up if they are sent to their Dad's on a particular day they have an activity scheduled, and their father or Claire can't take them because they made different plans weeks ago.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/08/2023 12:33

I very much agree that set days are in interests of children. Children thrive in certainty and routine. Having a dad who finishes work early so he can see you on contact days is also in their interests.
If Mum wants him to have them more days or more weekdays that’s something to negotiate and it sounds like he’s up for it at 6/14 but it’s not unreasonable for him to want set days.

Olive19741205 · 16/08/2023 12:35

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 16/08/2023 07:40

It’s not Clair’s problem. But Ben sounds like a shit dad.

This is what my DHs ex used to say when he started to put boundaries in place and stopped jumping to her every demand.

HoppingPavlova · 16/08/2023 12:38

@Vermin he’s had it easy man be, maybe not. In a lot of cases one partner would have liked more at the beginning but the other partner fights to have that decreased and is happy to gain the majority of time. That’s fine. No point then crying foul later when it suddenly doesn’t suit and the other parent has, by this time, arranged their life around what they could get (not wanted) initially. Not saying this is the case with OP’s situation, I would have idea, but it is the case in many situations.

FarEast · 16/08/2023 12:42

when he started to put boundaries in place and stopped jumping to her every demand.
**
What? to care for and parent his own children?

Olive19741205 · 16/08/2023 12:42

Dibblydoodahdah · 16/08/2023 08:34

Ben is a crap dad. His ex is trying to improve the lives of their children by retraining but Ben can’t even be arsed to have those children 50 per cent of the time. However, he supports his new wife to be a SAHM so they have a parent at home 100% of the time. No consideration that Sarah needs to put a roof over their kids heads, feed them, cloth them etc. I would be ashamed if I was Claire.

Maybe mum wants maintenance instead of 50/50?

WeWereInParis · 16/08/2023 12:43

Ben is a crap dad. His ex is trying to improve the lives of their children by retraining but Ben can’t even be arsed to have those children 50 per cent of the time.

Does OP even want it to be 50/50?

FarEast · 16/08/2023 12:44

It doesn't alter the fact that throughout his life as a father he has benefited from one, then two women acting as default parent to his children. If the children have two parents working then both parents need to flex a bit to accommodate the necessary childcare. Just like working parents who live together.

This!

Olive19741205 · 16/08/2023 12:45

FarEast · 16/08/2023 12:42

when he started to put boundaries in place and stopped jumping to her every demand.
**
What? to care for and parent his own children?

What? You've jumped to that conclusion with ZERO information about my DH. Bloody hell 😂😂😂.

Whinge · 16/08/2023 12:46

Olive19741205 · 16/08/2023 12:45

What? You've jumped to that conclusion with ZERO information about my DH. Bloody hell 😂😂😂.

Show quote history

He's a man. Unfortunately that means that no matter what he does, some posters will twist the story in any way they can just so he's the villian. 🙄

trampoline123 · 16/08/2023 12:47

Sarah

spitefulandbadgrammar · 16/08/2023 12:48

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth Great summary! I’d somehow misread that Ben was the ex-fiancé, d’oh!

Olive19741205 · 16/08/2023 12:53

Whinge · 16/08/2023 12:46

He's a man. Unfortunately that means that no matter what he does, some posters will twist the story in any way they can just so he's the villian. 🙄

Show quote history

Yeah you're right. Ex husbands/partners and step-mothers are akin to the devil on Mumsnet.

Ponderingwindow · 16/08/2023 13:00

agreeing to an increase in set days in reasonable.

It is also worth having a discussion about the equitable split of child care costs. If custody is 50:50, In theory each parent should cover their own time, but since custody days often aren’t distributed equally with the school schedule and work schedules, child care costs are often unbalanced.

Curtains70 · 16/08/2023 13:01

So I am in a similar situation and I guess I would be Claire, although not a SAHM.

DSD mum decided to go and be a nurse which is fab although childcare was never considered and it was assumed we would just be as flexible as needed.

Now we have accommodated this and changed our contact days and been as flexible as possible to allow her to do it. That is mainly because we didn't want to prevent her from getting her career and we also didn't want DSD with a childminder if she could just be with us.

Now that's not to say I don't think she was unreasonable because she was. However the best thing for all parties was for us to help out.

I hope you're able to all come to an agreement that allows you to continue your career without Claire getting taken advantage of as it is often the Step Mum that picks up the slack. Not he Dad!

Brefugee · 16/08/2023 13:05

Didntmeanto6 · 16/08/2023 12:00

I don't get why Claire wouldn't want to help

i do. It's bad enough when people want favours from you on a regular schedule, when the schedule is irregular so you can't plan your own free time with your own child? nope nope nope

Zeppel · 16/08/2023 13:11

Sarah is BU.

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 13:14

@Brefugee

It's her husband's child, she was aware of when they got together. It's also her children's siblings.
Why doesn't she just include them in her own plans with her children?
The only reason you wouldn't is if you didn't like them. Which is pretty sad. Obviously she wanted to discard her husbands children when she married him.