who is being unreasonable? new job and children

[interestingly8]

Would like to keep this unbiased if possible.

Sarah and Ben have two children together and are separated. Ben is now married to Claire (B&C also now have young children of their own).

S&Bs children stay with B&C 2 nights one week and 3 the next currently. The week with 3 nights is over the weekend and the week with 2 is during the week.

Ben works, Claire is a SAHM and Sarah has been studying for the past number of years around her part time job.

Sarah has now qualified and is beginning a new job which will involve shift work meaning the her and Ben's children's normal contact schedule will need to change and follow Sarah's shift patterns rather than set days that they now have. This will inc upping contact to 3 nights every week whilst Sarah works. Ben is saying this is not possible as he's already arranged his work around the schedule they have had for years and cannot change this dependant on Sarah's shifts for that week. He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Sarah has suggested Claire help if Ben is not around on one of the days, Claire has said no and agrees with Ben the contact schedule should remain the same as its what everyone has worked around for years Inc the children.

Who is being unreasonable?

Sarah for saying contact needs to follow her shifts instead of being set from now on and if Ben can't do that maybe Claire could help out. YANBU

Ben and Claire for insisting contact should follow the same schedule as normal and be set, not change week by week (although they do agree to up to 3 nights per week). YABU

He did 5 out of 14 and has now agreed to do 6 as requested. He doesn’t have to just have them though whenever the OPs shifts dictate. That’s the OPs problem, not his or claires!

So what happens is that Sarah pays for childcare for the days she needs childcare and the contact arrangements stay the same as they always have as that is clearly what was agreed and presumably Ben pays maintenance based on the number of days he has the children overnight.

Simply put, Sarah gets her shiz together and either takes a job that works with the agreed and historical schedule, or sources care (not Ben & Claire) as needed for any time per schedule when she has them. Over the years I have known many shift workers, divorced, dealing with kids, and this is how it’s done. It’s not up to the other party to HAVE to agree if it doesn’t suit around their work that they have already organised per current schedule.

Ben has had an easy ride for years only looking after his children 2 days per week, time for him to man up and do his fair share.

He's already agreed to do more nights, he's just saying they need to be fixed, which is reasonable.

The children are at school in the week so having them for 3 nights over a weekend one week and 2 nights in the week isn't nothing, and Sarah will be getting child maintenance reflecting that its not 50 50. Sarah as RP will have also received all child benefit.

Deciding to leave a man because he's a useless lump and managing to be a single mother, retrain, and get a job is hugely creditable.

Expecting another woman who is having to cope with small children and the same useless lump to support you is unreasonable.

Yeah, Sarah needs to sort it out herself really. I say that as someone who does shift work as well as DP. We have to work around each other (which is a pain in the hole), but we can manage it. You couldn’t expect an ex partner to do the same for you. There’s a lot of sacrifices in shift work but everyone needs to be on board for it to work. If they’re no longer your partner, the changes of them cooperating and setting themselves up for never knowing what days you have free/have the kids more than a few weeks in advance are probably nil.

I'm glad someone else thinks this!!!

I think Ben has to arrange childcare for the days it interrupts his work schedule as he already has his child on a limited basis and needs to start playing a more active role.

I can't follow the voting choices I found them confusing.

The children should be the responsibility of their biological parents.

The step mum with the new job, it's not her responsibility to juggle the older children's childcare needs around her job. That's for dad and their actual mum to figure out. Their shared younger children they need to decide together.

The main problematic factor in this seems to be the man refusing to change his work schedule as he's quite happy with the current set up. Go figure. 🙄

Maybe it's time to move to a 50/50 care arrangement between Ben and Sarah so it's truly equitable?

But why should that just be on Sarah's terms, rather than by mutual agreement? Should he just do as he's told because she's changed the goalposts?

I think everyone is in agreement that’s it’s not Claire’s problem to solve

Perhaps Sarah doesn't want 50/50? Many people don't. I didn't.

If Sarah declines 50/50 because she wants the kids more, she can't complain that Ben doesn't do more. He's happy to take the kids more, just on fixed days, which is fair.

Exactly. I'm sure he would be quite happy to assess the contact moving forward but that's not what Sarah is offering it sounds like she's quite content with the current arrangement they have planned 6/14 days. What she actually wants is Ben and Claire to just provide childcare when she has shifts not for them to have extra days with the children.

oh cmon - it’s “Claire”

You are Claire. But ExW is being unreasonable expecting you to pick up the slack and have an ever changing schedule that will impact on your own childrens routines.

It sounds practically impossible to combine shift work with a visiting schedule.

What are you on about? He’s already agreed 6/14 - he’s just saying it needs to be set days precisely so he can arrange care or rearrange his schedule. He’s literally going to be 1 night per fortnight away from 50/50 care so how is that not playing a more active role?

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect to chop and change contact to fit shifts. Shift work is hard on a family and children need stability knowing where they are. If the arrangement needs to change to 50/50 so be it but better fixed days and Mum sort childcare on her days.
It sounds like a lot of assumptions were made but it’s a huge ask to expect them to chop and change constantly. Obviously if you were still a couple you put up with negatives if shift work for the positives like more money, days off in week.

The main problematic factor in this seems to be the man refusing to change his work schedule as he's quite happy with the current set up. Go figure.🙄

I feel like some people will blame the man no matter what the situation. Ben has agreed to increase the days he has the children. What he's not happy to do is change his work every week to accommodate Sarah's ever changing shift pattern. Which is understandable as I can't see many jobs being happy for an employee to swap and change shifts every week.

He has agreed to up contact to 3 nights per week but has said these must be set days.

Claire is not a bloody nanny. Sarah should have considered her career options more wisely rather than assuming another woman will pick up the slack.

Not but there should be a conversation.
Ben should consider whether he can create any more flex in his schedule.
Sarah should talk to her employer about whether there is any scope to fix her shifts as well as considering alternative roles.
Sarah should research childcare options and they should both be prepared to pay towards those.
Ultimately it is in the children's interests to have two fulfilled, working parents bringing in a decent income (and cooperating as co-parents to make this happen). So as the parents Sarah and Ben should see what they can come up with to achieve this.

The kids are only going to get more expensive in terms of their requirements as teens/university contributions etc. If money can be earned to benefit them, then it should be.

Ben and Claire clearly don't give a hoot about sarah and Bens children but or they would be doing everything they could to allow sarah to work and improve their lives.
Claire knew ben had children and came as a package, Claire doesn't get to opt out. If you don't want the burden of other children don't pick someone with children and start a new family with them.

Sarah should have discussed her new career with Ben before embarking on it to see if he could support the new childcare arrangements.