To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

[FieryCrash]

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

See I wouldn't be happy with that either. You are doing so, so much to enable him to do what he wants, yet his first thought when you want to do something is that he might have to support you and he has no intention of doing so.

He's still being a selfish arse, expecting you to be his support human but not willing to contemplate, even for a second, giving you the same.

That's an extremely superficial interpretation of what is going on here, to the point of being useless tbh.

Be aware, OP that your H doesn't use your new allotment as a reason to criticise you and your efforts around the house. As in "this place is a mess, if you didn't spend all day at that allotment it wouldn't be" etc. He sounds manipulative and it is a possibility, so best make sure to shut that down if he starts.

Yes well spotted, eagle eyes 👀

And yet, you've read it.

Why an allotment when I have a garden? Why the fuck not?

@FieryCrash diet
HRTFT so this may have been mentioned, but you should read We Made a Garden by Margery Fish. Love of gardening and Margery getting on with what she loves despite a bellend husband!

As for the rest of it, others have pretty much covered it.

@PleaseDontLickThat I've read it, fab book. DH is not Walter Fish 😂

No it’s a good update OP, lovely to have an update, any update….
I’m on another thread where the OPs DH was uncontactable in an online meeting about a week ago and that was the last we heard!

My friend has a magnificent garden and yet her allotment is a huge source of joy for her, with an incredible selection of veg, fruits and herbs.

I go with her occasionally and it is the most lovely wander looking at all the other allotments.

I also always come away with a fab bag of goodies.

I can well imagine the lure if gardening is your thing.

I didn't realise there was a whole book. I do seem to remember seeing a photo of Margery Fish's husband who had just cut off all the delphinium buds in the mistaken belief that he was deadheading them.😂Mine has done similar invitation-to-a-throttling things to my plants.

Underrated comment, this is brilliant!! 👏

No, not really.

There's obviously much more to it given OP's reaction. But had she just challenged him when he said it she could have saved herself a lot of anger and stress.

OP should however look at how her relationship is set up, and whether she is genuinely happy with it, as she seems to be carrying a lot of resentment.

To be honest I've noticed with my DH over the years how general household tasks such as cooking and gardening are mine because 'you like doing them'. The fact is this, these things aren't a hobby or always relaxing: a pleasure because they they take up so much time within normal everyday life. It's rare I get to really enjoy cooking as that requires a lot of time. Same with gardening, there's always the mundane gardening chores before the interesting stuff. Things that have to be done. So I don't really class these things as a hobby and I certainly don't equate my DH doing is hobby whilst I garden as equal.

This is the best thing I've read in a long time! Well done! 😂

Next step. You announce that you will give up work and have a little market stall selling produce from the allotment while he supports you.

Don't discuss it any further. You don't need permission to do something that has no impact on him whatsoever. It might be a small outlay or rent but I assume his hobby costs money too?
Get it, dig a big hole, bury him in it. Good luck x call me if you need a spade!

Yes mine too. He also went away for periods of time with his hobby leaving me with the kids. Once when he came back from one of these jaunts, which I always supported, I said perhaps the following year it would be my turn to go away for my hobby. His answer? That he was planning to be with us that year so I couldn’t go away. 🙃

It could be he was tired, his head was full of his main interest and he didn't want to talk about the allotment thing at that point. I had a similar situation once (once, lol!). I didn't mention the 'allotment' again, I just did what I pleased. When he finally became aware of what I'd done, and asked about it, I said casually, 'What? That? Oh yeah. It's great, isn't it?' and refused to have a discussion on the rights and wrongs.

Em, yes I would be bloody pissed off too, but you don't need his permission! Go ahead with it, and if he says anything say "I wasn't asking you if it was ok, I was informing you of what is going to happen".

This!!

just get the allotment and act how he does - do you and don’t consider him… at least with your hobby he might have an indirect benefit (yummy veggies)

Wake him up and fight him.