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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

353 replies

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 00:54

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 11:45

He did say he thought I would expect him to pitch in and spend loads of time there too, which he didn't want to do. Dunno why as the garden is basically my sole responsibility anyway so I never had any expectations on that score.

OP posts:
smellslikecrab · 16/08/2023 11:55

DH did the same, he’s away for at least 6 months in 2 blocks.
Whilst I support and admire turning a hobby into a career ( we have been lucky as it has been very successful) I do think it’s bloody selfish!
DH’s first reaction is always no, I just ignore him now and do as I want.

TerfTalking · 16/08/2023 11:55

spitefulandbadgrammar · 16/08/2023 09:33

He’s essentially given himself a very early retirement hasn’t he? Giving up work to do a paid version of his hobby, wife supports him financially and runs the household while he gallivants. Living the dream!

He’s worried your allotment will curtail your earning power (he’s not going back to work) and your time spent on household stuff – if he’s away a lot and focussed on this hobby who does the cleaning, changing bed sheets, DIY, food shops, etc? Allotments take up a lot of time (allot of time ahahaha), he can’t have that impact his cushty lifestyle.

This 💯

thank you, I was going to type it all out but you’ve saved me.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 16/08/2023 11:59

He did say he thought I would expect him to pitch in and spend loads of time there too, which he didn't want to do. Dunno why as the garden is basically my sole responsibility anyway so I never had any expectations on that score.

That's not a nice personality trait - my wife might ask too much of me so I will just shut her whole plan down. He's made sure you'll never ask him to help you out with the allotment no matter what. He's good at keeping your expectations minimal.

MrsMarzetti · 16/08/2023 12:01

It's very interesting that you have been together years but only married 2 years ago, was this just about the time he took up a new hobby and then announced he was taking a year off ? I don't think this is a coincidence.

Comtesse · 16/08/2023 12:05

even having a big long discussion about this is weird - I’m getting an allotment, the end - is probably sufficient. Does he think he’s your boas or something??

ShinyHappyTits · 16/08/2023 12:14

I've not RTFT but just wanted to say congratulations on your allotment! I have a half plot (and a toddler so it's a struggle) but you will find such a lovely community and it's just the best for mental health! The only issue is that you may find a half isn't enough... Your husbands attitude is completely bizarre, it sounds like it won't even impact him.

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 16/08/2023 12:18

When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.
What exactly is he doing since he can't answer you for days? Is he an astronaut? An undercover spy? Whatever it is, are you then fine with him not answering you the same day?

justasking111 · 16/08/2023 12:27

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 11:45

He did say he thought I would expect him to pitch in and spend loads of time there too, which he didn't want to do. Dunno why as the garden is basically my sole responsibility anyway so I never had any expectations on that score.

Tell him no worries there's a really lovely guy there in his fifties who has offered to do the double digging with you 😉

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 16/08/2023 12:29

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 11:45

He did say he thought I would expect him to pitch in and spend loads of time there too, which he didn't want to do. Dunno why as the garden is basically my sole responsibility anyway so I never had any expectations on that score.

And what if you expect him to “pitch in” / support you every once in a while?

it seems as if you’ve been massively supportive of his hobby. And you are pitching in with his - by accepting the massive pay cut and (presumably) at least partially compensating with your own income.

Blogswife · 16/08/2023 12:32

That would be like red rag to a bull for me 😆 I’d say” I’m telling you not asking “ and just go ahead and get one .
He really doesn’t have the right to dictate how you spend your time !

Beaverbridge · 16/08/2023 12:34

Get your allotment. He doesn't get to call the shots.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 16/08/2023 12:34

Brilliant update!!

billy1966 · 16/08/2023 12:42

MrsMarzetti · 16/08/2023 12:01

It's very interesting that you have been together years but only married 2 years ago, was this just about the time he took up a new hobby and then announced he was taking a year off ? I don't think this is a coincidence.

Yep.

Not contactable for days either.

All after they married.

Not a coincidence at all.

He's nicely set up isn't he.

His mask dropped with that no.

I suggest you take note.

He thinks you are a doormat for sure.

Couldn't even be arsed to be around for your anniversary?

Mind yourself OP.

Traceyislivid · 16/08/2023 12:51

I voted YABU if you actually are going to do what he tells you. You do not need his permission.

justasking111 · 16/08/2023 12:53

Well when he's finally in mobile phone range may I suggest that you don't answer until really late that night or the next morning explaining that there's no signal at the allotments and you went to the pub with fellow allotmentees to slake your thirst and listen to a local sea shanty group so had a very late night. BUT not to worry because the local gamekeeper Mellors took you home.

Janey331 · 16/08/2023 13:05

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 01:05

I'm 50 and have grown up kids. We've been together yonks, just only married in the last 2 years.

He's a good guy, but can just be knee-jerk sometimes. It's frustrating. I just don't see what the issue is with a bloody allotment.

Show quote history

Did you happen to ask him what his problem with it is? (Not that that should change your mind about getting it). What a totally selfish wazzock he is, you've got every right to be fuming, I'm bloody fuming for you!

Codlingmoths · 16/08/2023 13:06

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 11:45

He did say he thought I would expect him to pitch in and spend loads of time there too, which he didn't want to do. Dunno why as the garden is basically my sole responsibility anyway so I never had any expectations on that score.

Maybe you should have some expectations that your husband might, you know, pull his weight around house and home sometimes? Including supporting in things you want done? He doesn’t care enough about the garden to spend 10 seconds working in it himself, but it’s a good enough reason for him to grasp
at for saying no to you committing to any hobbies. He gets a lot of support from you. I’d spend the next few months both paying attention to if you get any support back, and ASKING FOR SOME. ‘I’d like you to do x next weekend.’ ‘Oh I’m only home that one weekend’ ‘yes you are away a lot. I’m starting to feel like I’m on my own here. It would be nice to be able to ask my husband to do something and not just get all the reasons why his hobby means he can’t. But if that’s the most important thing to you, then I guess that’s me told.’

horseyhorsey17 · 16/08/2023 13:09

Fuck that. Get the allotment.

horseyhorsey17 · 16/08/2023 13:12

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 16/08/2023 12:18

When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.
What exactly is he doing since he can't answer you for days? Is he an astronaut? An undercover spy? Whatever it is, are you then fine with him not answering you the same day?

I reckon mountaineering or something like that. I thought battle reenactments initially but not sure there's any money in that!

Isthiscorrect · 16/08/2023 13:17

I reckon he's in the TA's.

HumanBurrito · 16/08/2023 13:18

I'm guessing wildlife photography

WisherWood · 16/08/2023 13:19

I told him how disappointed and upset I was by his reaction; he was a bit 'you've massively overreacted' but also acknowledged that he shouldn't have said what he did and been dismissive and unsupportive.

Hmm. I wouldn't like that. I don't like the invalidation of your responses. Your reaction was quite reasonable. He was totally unreasonable and selfish. Stand your ground OP. Don't let yourself disappear and become his housekeeper and skivvy.

Brefugee · 16/08/2023 13:20

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 11:45

He did say he thought I would expect him to pitch in and spend loads of time there too, which he didn't want to do. Dunno why as the garden is basically my sole responsibility anyway so I never had any expectations on that score.

You need to firmly address this with: stop making up scenarios in your head and talk to me instead.

And warn him that if he ever does a "you can't" then goes to bed and turns out the light, you will bloody wake him up and have the discussion there and then.

He sounds like a bit of a self-centred type, shake him up a bit (as in: the garden is both of yours, he can spend some of his spare time helping sort it out, The allotment is yours and he doesn't ever even have to see it)

Mrstwiddle · 16/08/2023 13:21

It sounds like his default position is to be selfish.