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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

353 replies

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 00:54

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

OP posts:
deydododatdodontdeydo · 16/08/2023 09:55

I would definitely divorce my husband and long term partner over one late night knee jerk comment.

Taketurn · 16/08/2023 10:02

This is typical men isn't it? Always expect you to bed over backwards for them but they don't give a shit about supporting you in the slightest. Sorry I may be projecting a bit but your situation really annoyed me OP.

Womencanlift · 16/08/2023 10:06

I would have just laughed and said well you are not going away this weekend and see what his response is

Sometimes only tit for tat works for idiots like this

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 16/08/2023 10:07

I just can't get past how feckin selfish he is. Have your allotment, enjoy it, and the fruits (and veggies ) of your labour. If it impacts on him at all, then them's the breaks You pays yer money and you makes your choice. Women have divorced for less.

Duckingella · 16/08/2023 10:23

He obviously thinks you need his permission;which you don't;you were telling him not asking him.

I wonder if he doesn't like the fact that allotment tenders have traditionally been predominantly male (although that's changing with fabulous women like you) and he doesn't want you hanging around other blokes who might treat you with respect and make you realise what a selfish Wally your DH is.

Duckingella · 16/08/2023 10:29

spitefulandbadgrammar · 16/08/2023 09:47

Maybe he does not like courgettes.

If I was the OP I'd be tempted to club the DH to death with the biggest courgette I could grow.

I'm joking of course

GimmeSleep · 16/08/2023 10:30

Fieldofbrokenpromises · 16/08/2023 07:46

Another mystery top secret hobby.

Only Fans? 🤔

Butchyrestingface · 16/08/2023 10:36

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

I think you were unreasonable to go along with all of this in the first place, especially "without question". He now appears to have no sense of the sacrifices and accommodations you've made for him to engage in his hobby/pin money endeavour.

Thankfully, you won't be having kids with him so that's once small mercy. Enjoy the allotment.

Thelonelygiraffe · 16/08/2023 10:43

Any update, op? Have you asked him why his response was so unreasonable?

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 16/08/2023 10:43

I understand- its more than the allotment. Its the fact that you have been supportive of him and have been quite happy with him going off and now you find something you want and he won't return that support. You are so NBU here and I'd be speaking with him to ask him why he's being so ridiculous and selfish

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 16/08/2023 10:44

His reaction was OTT but I suspect he thinks it will cut into the little time that you have together now.
Sit down with him and discuss the shape of your future together. Expectations from both of you. And how you are going to move forward.

Georgyporky · 16/08/2023 10:46

Is it the T.A. & he's used to ordering people about?

Mumsanetta · 16/08/2023 11:03

@FieryCrash the obvious question is “What did he say when you asked him why?” I mean, there could be a good reason why he doesn’t want you to have an allotment e.g people at the allotment keep disappearing and the police don’t know why, maybe he read in the paper that there are flesh eating bugs in the soil or maybe he is a controlling little man who prefers you at home and missing him when he’s away.

Itsaloadofbollocks · 16/08/2023 11:05

Take the allotment, you could always use it to hide his body if he becomes more twatish. 😉

screentimehelpplease · 16/08/2023 11:09

Without knowing what his response was when you asked him why you won't be having the allotment it's quite hard to comment. Surely whether you take the allotment or not has got nothing to do with him at all?

pontipinemum · 16/08/2023 11:14

I know it's too late now but I'd have woken him up to ask!

An allotment will be lovely I am lucky to have the space myself and during in lockdown I found it the best thing I have ever done for my MH. I haven't kept up to the same standard ( I now have a small child) but still grow some things

Glad you are still going to take it

JudgeRudy · 16/08/2023 11:19

His response 'you're not having an allotment!' is bizarre, as is the fact that you quietly fumed and discussed no more. On the face of it, it seems your OH is selfish and controlling, however there could be other factors...so just have a think about the following
You say you have poor MH. Are you chaotic? Do you start projects and drop them, have you erected purple and yellow windmills in your garden? Do you have ADHD? Are things getting out of hand? Have you been here before?
I ask because I had a partner who would close conversations like that. Not because he was controlling by nature but because he was taking control. Could this be his way of saying 'it's midnight. We're not discussing it now'?
You need to bring this up again but choose a moment when you both have time to relax and discuss properly. The discussion should be around why he cut you off so abruptly not about the allotment.

All things being equal it does sound very unfair....and frankly odd! Don't have children together.

Nagado · 16/08/2023 11:22

Take the allotment. Grab it with both hands and enjoy every last minute of it.

I’m assuming you’re both at work now. When he gets home, tell him that you’ve thought about it and he’s right. Tell him you’ve turned the allotment down and have decided that you’d like to invest all your spare time in your relationship, so you’d like him to do the same. And you know that he won’t have an issue with that, as he’s already assured you that he’ll give up his hobby if you have a problem with it. And when he squirms because he realised you’ve called his bluff, tell him to fuck right off telling you what you can and can’t do, unless he wants to take all of his stuff with him the next time he goes.

Sandra1984 · 16/08/2023 11:24

@FieryCrash I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

What are you getting from a guy that you need to financially support, who's never there and flat out refuses you to have hobbies that make you happy? I hope he's amazing in bed, a great cook and looks like brad Pitt otherwise....

hollyblueivy · 16/08/2023 11:28

Does he think you're not capable of maintaining an allotment?

Original poster
FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 11:32

So we have talked. He said he doesn't know why he said that and he didn't mean anything by it. He did also say that he felt we'd not got our own garden sorted yet so an allotment was a lot (haha) but after a bit more talking he said he was excited for me and wanted me to do it. And that it was important that we both pursued our own interests equally.

I told him how disappointed and upset I was by his reaction; he was a bit 'you've massively overreacted' but also acknowledged that he shouldn't have said what he did and been dismissive and unsupportive.

This probably now seems like a silly something and nothing update, but it's been useful for me to see people's responses. DH is, genuinely, a really lovely man but can be a bit rigid and reactive at times. Equally, some of the remarks about me being a people pleaser or a martyr are probably closer to the truth than I'd like! My marriage is not over due to this (!!) but it's given me a bit of food for thought about our dynamic in some areas. And on tackling issues immediately rather than letting things fester...

I'm going to check out the plot at the weekend and will take it. I have friends who already have a plot there so looking forward to spending some more time with them too!

OP posts:
KFAAYWFO · 16/08/2023 11:37

Thanks for the update OP, its good you were both able to discuss it.
The only think that jumps out at me is that he hasn't actually given you a reason and you have accepted the “i don't know” - he does know - but hasn't shard which is weird. Anyway, the main thing is your doing something for you! Well done!

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 16/08/2023 11:37

I’m excited for you OP!

I do think you should have immediately had that conversation and asked him why he felt that way but if it was just before bedtime then it’s understandable why you may not have wanted to.

I’m glad you talked it through and that he is supportive of the idea.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 16/08/2023 11:42

I'm glad you talked it over and you feel better.

He said he doesn't know why he said that and he didn't mean anything by it.
Yes he does know, and yes he did. He just can't say it out loud. Keep your eyes open OP. In the meantime enjoy your allotment.

Original poster
FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 11:42

spitefulandbadgrammar · 16/08/2023 09:47

Maybe he does not like courgettes.

This did make me laugh!

OP posts: