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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with DH's lack of self-awareness re: hobbies/interests?

353 replies

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 00:54

Sitting here stewing when I should be sleeping...

DH has really pissed me off tonight and I need to know if IABU. Will try to keep it simple! It's probably going to sound daft when I write it down but I just need to vent to someone.

A couple of years ago he took up a new hobby / interest that required a LOT of commitment. We're talking tons of training and lots of time away from home, ranging from a weekend at a time to several weeks on the trot, around the UK and abroad. When he's away, hes not always contactable for a couple of days.

It's all been very new to us, but it's been a big deal to him, I'm very proud of what he's achieved, I can see he gets a lot out of it and I have supported him absolutely unconditionally throughout (and will continue to do so). Although we don't have young children to manage, it has meant some disruption / change to my life, eg: him being away for days or even weeks at at time. I dont mind, but I do miss him and it is a big change. He even missed our 1st wedding anniversary (with my blessing)! (I can't say what it is but it's not a sport!)

He has now even given up his job to pursue a paid version of this hobby for a year - meaning quite a significant pay cut and more time away. Again, I have supported this without question.

Whilst this has been going on, I have had a really shit year at work (for reasons that aren't really relevant). DH has been v supportive and lovely, no problem there. But I have also found a hobby of my own (gardening) which has really helped me to manage some of the shitty times. It's had a really positive impact on my mental health and I absolutely love it.

This evening, I got an email offering me an allotment (half plot). I've had my name down for over 2 years, which DH knows. It's 10 mins walk from our front door.

I was so excited to get this email, and told DH as we were going to bed. His immediate reaction was 'you're not having an allotment'. No explanation, no further discussion, lights out.

I am so fucking furious. He's literally changed his (and my) entire life with my unconditional support, I'm going to be supporting us financially for the next 12 months whilst he pursues his dreams and interests, and yet he feels justified in just stamping on the stuff I'd like to do??

AIBU to be so bloody pissed off?

OP posts:
Begsthequestion · 16/08/2023 13:21

He thinks he can tell another grown up what she can and can't do.

What gave him that impression do you think?

You know he'd never say that to any man in his life.

Does he act sexist in other ways too?

Thelnebriati · 16/08/2023 13:24

None of this is what I'd expect from a good guy. I think you should mark all of this episode as the first big red flag, and decide on a boundary for the future.

midlifecrash · 16/08/2023 13:27

So the issue is really that “you’re not having…” When is it reasonable to start a sentence like that to another adult?

I mean it is SOMETIMES eg:

a snooker table in the bathroom
a sex party
a pet Komodo dragon
etc

but an allotment?

SavBlancTonight · 16/08/2023 13:27

I think this is a good update but you should be taking a good long hard look at where there might be other areas where he feels he gets 100% control and you perhaps just haven't noticed.

It could be small things like only eating/preparing certain foods or accommodating his preferences on things within the house or bigger things like feeling you have to get his approval for nights out with friends or certain purchases.

Because his attitude, and initial attempt to dismiss you as "over reacting" are huge red flags.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 16/08/2023 13:36

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 11:45

He did say he thought I would expect him to pitch in and spend loads of time there too, which he didn't want to do. Dunno why as the garden is basically my sole responsibility anyway so I never had any expectations on that score.

But he doesn’t pitch in with anything so why would he think that dynamic might change? As long as you accommodate him as you always have.

sandalsinthebin · 16/08/2023 13:36

Yuk! That response really would have put me right off him. He might have back-pedalled now but who the fuck does he think he is to say it in the first place?

MollyRover · 16/08/2023 13:38

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 11:45

He did say he thought I would expect him to pitch in and spend loads of time there too, which he didn't want to do. Dunno why as the garden is basically my sole responsibility anyway so I never had any expectations on that score.

My first thought was this, that he reacted because he would be expected to help when he doesn't want to. An allotment can be time consuming and if someone isn't interested in gardening it would be a big ask.

Delighted that you've sorted it out, OP, enjoy your allotment :)

Olive19741205 · 16/08/2023 13:44

I think he got off lightly. I would have told him in no uncertain terms to NEVER dare speak to me like that again, you weren't asking for his permission. He also needs a dose of reality about his 'hobby' and what you put up with.

Canisaysomething · 16/08/2023 13:48

What's the point of a marriage in your 50s if you don't have shared interests you can grow old together doing? Marriage is less about the kids and practicalities and more about companionship at that age surely. If you're off doing separate things, why bother.

SequentialAnalyst · 16/08/2023 14:01

It's only recently that I realised unconditional love is not appropriate to offer a partner. Thinking it was kept me in an unhappy marriage for a very long time.

Unconditional support is also probably not appropriate. I gave that too, thinking he would eventually make it good. No, he just became a cocklodger.

Yours sounds better than mine was, if that helps.

ManateeFair · 16/08/2023 14:05

FieryCrash · 16/08/2023 11:32

So we have talked. He said he doesn't know why he said that and he didn't mean anything by it. He did also say that he felt we'd not got our own garden sorted yet so an allotment was a lot (haha) but after a bit more talking he said he was excited for me and wanted me to do it. And that it was important that we both pursued our own interests equally.

I told him how disappointed and upset I was by his reaction; he was a bit 'you've massively overreacted' but also acknowledged that he shouldn't have said what he did and been dismissive and unsupportive.

This probably now seems like a silly something and nothing update, but it's been useful for me to see people's responses. DH is, genuinely, a really lovely man but can be a bit rigid and reactive at times. Equally, some of the remarks about me being a people pleaser or a martyr are probably closer to the truth than I'd like! My marriage is not over due to this (!!) but it's given me a bit of food for thought about our dynamic in some areas. And on tackling issues immediately rather than letting things fester...

I'm going to check out the plot at the weekend and will take it. I have friends who already have a plot there so looking forward to spending some more time with them too!

I'm glad you've had a conversation about it and all is well. I'm still puzzled that you didn't just have that conversation as soon as he said 'You're not having an allotment', but sounds like things are happily resolved now.

Enjoy your new allotment and garden to your heart's content!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/08/2023 14:26

ThinWomansBrain · 16/08/2023 01:05

take the allotment
get rid of the selfish self indulgent husband, let him support himself and his hobby.

This.

I find it quite interesting that no sooner than the two of you were legally married/financially entwined, he happens to discover this time-consuming (and presumably expensive) hobby, and now lo and behold, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to do it full-time and leave all the financial and household burdens to his convenient new wife. WHAT a coincidence!

Sorry to be so negative but he's really taking you for a ride. And he can't even fake enthusiasm and support of your lifestyle. How stuck are you; would it be very costly to back out of the marriage?

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 16/08/2023 14:31

AS a young woman, I would probably have put up with this, but I'm 50 too now, and I would just laugh as I ordered a new spade.

Once, after our 3rd child was born, I was very depressed and couldn't leave the house without panic attacks. I thought that having some chickens would force me outside and give me something to look forward to each day. My husband (who owns the farm) absolutely forbade it. I didn't buy chickens. I bought an incubator and some hatching eggs. Within 6 months, I had 24 chickens (silkies, seramas, pekins and a few others) as well as 12 geese, 8 ducks, 24 guinea fowl and 35 quails. Oh, and a peacock! He never tried to forbid me from doing anything after that.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/08/2023 14:37

Vgbeat · 16/08/2023 00:57

You don't need his permission. Get the allotment and enjoy it. Tell him it's nome of his business or else he can't continue to be a man child

Congratulations on getting an allotment. They are like hens teeth to get so you have done really well to get one.

Ignore what he is saying to you.

Accept the allotment and enjoy your gardening and growing whatever you'll be growing there.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/08/2023 14:39

Blueink · 16/08/2023 02:25

He’s lost the plot!

Did you mean to use the pun? 😄

Topseyt123 · 16/08/2023 14:52

I'd add to your recent conversation where he apologised (sort of, anyway). I'd tell him that if he ever spoke to me in any such way again then he'd regret it big time.

You need to put in good boundaries. If my DH ever tried to tell me that I couldn't have an allotment (or something else perfectly reasonable) that I'd been offered my response would be a very robust "OH YES I CAN!" back at him. Make sure yours is next time, because there will probably be a next time, with something else.

Don't accept this treatment. Pull him up on it every time.

I hope you find it is a nice allotment and that you spend many enjoyable hours there. 😃

LookItsMeAgain · 16/08/2023 14:53

I have read the rest of the thread but I think some of the other posters have actually pulled a little on a thread in your situation where you've married now after a long time so he's having the life of Reilly while you're footing the bills (most of the time). You're the one doing the home maintenance and upkeep while he's off gallivanting somewhere or other but his last words to you last night were no, you're not doing X because I said so??? Even with him rolling back on that, I think you really do need to have a conversation about how he treats you. You're not someone who will be spoken to like that. I too would be struggling to see why he would be negative about the allotment if you're the primary gardener in the house and he doesn't do any gardening at all, not even cutting the grass in your own back/front garden. Why would he be thinking that you would suddenly be roping him in to 'help' when you haven't done so before?
It all just seems so bizarre.

AndyMcFlurry · 16/08/2023 14:54

SavBlancTonight · 16/08/2023 13:27

I think this is a good update but you should be taking a good long hard look at where there might be other areas where he feels he gets 100% control and you perhaps just haven't noticed.

It could be small things like only eating/preparing certain foods or accommodating his preferences on things within the house or bigger things like feeling you have to get his approval for nights out with friends or certain purchases.

Because his attitude, and initial attempt to dismiss you as "over reacting" are huge red flags.

This.

And congratulations on the allotment, you might find it makes you happier than your husband. Especially if you can put up a shed.

Don’t ask me why I think this 😉

Aishah231 · 16/08/2023 15:03

Why do you have to do all the gardening OP? He clearly cares about it as the fact the garden needed work was one reason he gave for not wanting you to have the allotment. Make sure you don't end up feeling pressurised to maintain a perfect house and garden to 'justify' the time you spend at the allotment.

Summerrainagain1 · 16/08/2023 15:06

This post is a brilliant example of the wonders of communications.

DH said this. DH is such a selfish ass, I have supported him so much etc etc. Bloody fuming. Actually I asked him what he meant. We are all good.

Venturini · 16/08/2023 15:29

Does he usually talk to you like that?

Lampzade · 16/08/2023 15:35

coxesorangepippin · 16/08/2023 01:52

The issue with you having an allotment is that it will stop you enabling him in his endeavours

It's really that simple

Yep

Daphnis156 · 16/08/2023 15:48

Why can't we know this hobby?
It is honestly more easy to see your situation if we do, and you are not mysterious.
If he's away so much he won't notice the allotment.
He does sound immensely boring.

KittensandPerverts · 16/08/2023 15:55

Daphnis156 · 16/08/2023 15:48

Why can't we know this hobby?
It is honestly more easy to see your situation if we do, and you are not mysterious.
If he's away so much he won't notice the allotment.
He does sound immensely boring.

Really? I'm managing to follow this completely without knowing his hobby.

Fiddleyflop · 16/08/2023 15:55

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