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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with DP- AIBU?

136 replies

deliveroodoo · 15/08/2023 23:27

Name changed. Sorry it's long.

Today it's a big anniversary for me and my partner. I'm also 5 weeks pregnant (planned). I wanted to go out to a restaurant or celebrate somehow as it feels a big deal, although we agreed no presents. Yesterday, he suggested we don't go out as 'we have a lot going on' and that we stay in and have a meal together. I was a little disappointed but agreed. He said we could go away for a weekend in a month or two instead. He came home and cooked the meal- the starter was just shop bought and simple but he made a nice pasta main and put thought and effort in to it. It was lovely and it was a really nice evening. He then said he needed to drop his keys off with his parents as they would need them tomorrow. Ok, not ideal, but fair enough. They only live a street away, I assumed he'd be back in 5 minutes and we could enjoy the evening together (time together has been rare lately as he's often busy/out with friends- I don't remember the last time we had a date just us). After about 25 minutes I was wondering what was keeping him and dropped him a text. He said he was just chatting. Bearing in mind he sees his parents daily I thought this was a bit off considering it's our anniversary and asked him to come back. He comes in 15 minutes later (it's a 30 second walk to get home). I am pretty upset at this point and do tell him I'm really annoyed and don't think it's fair. He gets really angry back and says he doesn't understand what he's done wrong and I'm being dramatic/hormonal. He says he's sick of me and tells me to get an abortion because he doesn't want to be 'stuck with me' for the rest of his life. About 5 minutes later he says he didn't mean it but he said it and I'm utterly heartbroken. He said he's just sick of me being hormonal and always having a go and being unreasonable, but I really don't understand how I've been unreasonable here. I am now refusing to just 'get over it' and watch a film because of what he said and how he's treated me and he's sitting there going 'I hate my life'. AITA? Please be honest.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 15/08/2023 23:30

He’s horrible. Are you sure he was actually at his parents? I would be rethinking this relationship as he sounds awful.

SapphOhNo · 15/08/2023 23:31

I'd be rethinking having a baby with this man.

thaisweetchill · 15/08/2023 23:34

What a truly vile man. Run. Leave. Go.

PickAChew · 15/08/2023 23:34

Was it your choice to live so close to his parents?

He's an utter cock for saying that to you. I'm not sure you could forgive and forget thst.

thaisweetchill · 15/08/2023 23:34

7yo7yo · 15/08/2023 23:30

He’s horrible. Are you sure he was actually at his parents? I would be rethinking this relationship as he sounds awful.

My first thought too.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 15/08/2023 23:35
  1. LTB
  2. Consider your pregnancy - are you willing and able to be a single parent? If not, book an appointment with Marie’s Stopes/BPAS/other.
  3. Never ever date anyone who blames your hormones for their behaviour
WannaBeRecluse · 15/08/2023 23:38

So every time you have a need or are unhappy with something it's going to be blamed on hormones?

Sorry OP, what an awful thing to have said to you.

TheBeesKnee · 15/08/2023 23:39

SapphOhNo · 15/08/2023 23:31

I'd be rethinking having a baby with this man.

Me too. I'm afraid that abuse can start or escalate at key life milestones such as marriage, pregnancy and childbirth.

https://cyberparent.com/pregnancy/mental-emotional-abuse-pregnant-women/

You will be so vulnerable when you're in labour and giving birth, you really need your partner to be your support, not tearing you down!

I'm sorry OP but he's starting to show his true colours.

I'd recommend starting a journal and writing stuff like this down.

Mental-Emotional Abuse of Pregnant Women - CyberParent

Although pregnancy should be a time of peace and happiness, that is often not the case for many women. Verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse often escalates during pregnancy. According to psychotherapist Bob Carver, emotional abuse can take many f...

https://cyberparent.com/pregnancy/mental-emotional-abuse-pregnant-women

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 15/08/2023 23:42

That is a vile thing to say. I would be rethinking my position as PP's have said.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 15/08/2023 23:47

He cooked you a lovely meal and then popped to see his parents for half an hour. You do sound quite needy. However he doesn't sound as on board as you are, and given you are only a few days late and both frustrated with each other already, maybe you should consider not going ahead with the pregnancy.

AutumnCrow · 15/08/2023 23:47

I'd extract myself from it all, as pp have said. It's not too late.

Original poster
deliveroodoo · 15/08/2023 23:49

He was definitely there, yes. I don't think he was elsewhere. His car was here.

OP posts:
Elfandwellbeing · 15/08/2023 23:49

Yeah agree with others .. couldn’t get past that. It’s truly awful to be so spiteful to you, but to you and his future child … is that ok with you?

HobbiddoH · 15/08/2023 23:50

I’d definitely not be wanting to have a baby with someone like that - either as a couple or Co parenting. Sounds like nightmare situation for your future. You can do something about it now but can’t later down the line.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 15/08/2023 23:50

When you say it was a big anniversary, do you mean eg 10 years together or 8 weeks since you became "official"

zurala · 15/08/2023 23:52

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 15/08/2023 23:47

He cooked you a lovely meal and then popped to see his parents for half an hour. You do sound quite needy. However he doesn't sound as on board as you are, and given you are only a few days late and both frustrated with each other already, maybe you should consider not going ahead with the pregnancy.

There's always one 🙄

OP you are not "needy" for wanting to celebrate your anniversary.

But I would recommend getting out now, because there's not really any coming back from that comment. He sounds absolutely awful.

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 15/08/2023 23:53

I think it’s worth bearing in mind that this is just a snapshot here and one argument. It’s a bit premature to suggest that the OP ltb based on that

Be honest OP, do you always expect him to be there when you tell him to be?

He cooked you a nice meal and dropped the keys off at his parents and had a bit ofa chat. If you’re constantly having a go at him for things like that then maybe he’s reached breaking point.

If he’s regularly saying things like that then that’s one thing, but women regularly expect to be given a break on here because of being pregnant and hormonal, so it’s understandable that he might say you are being hormonal if you are.

Original poster
deliveroodoo · 15/08/2023 23:55

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 15/08/2023 23:50

When you say it was a big anniversary, do you mean eg 10 years together or 8 weeks since you became "official"

The former.

OP posts:
AnicecupofBordeaux · 15/08/2023 23:57

It sounds like a 'when someone shows you they are, believe them' moment.

whynotwhatknot · 15/08/2023 23:58

he sounds awful who says get rid f the baby over an argment

Fizzadora · 15/08/2023 23:58

You need to be aware that you will never be his priority. Ever.
Anyone and anything will come before you and you will be called unreasonable for objecting to that.

You really, really need to be aware of this and you need to decide right now if this is how you want your life to be.

Hummingbird89 · 15/08/2023 23:59

Wow, he sounds awful. Also, you have been pregnant for literally three weeks, and he’s “sick of you being hormonal”? He needs to grow up.

1FootInTheRave · 15/08/2023 23:59

He's horrid and no excuse.

But, I think you were way ott and tbh, I couldn't be with someone who text me because I'd been at my parents for 25 minutes.

Original poster
deliveroodoo · 16/08/2023 00:01

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 15/08/2023 23:53

I think it’s worth bearing in mind that this is just a snapshot here and one argument. It’s a bit premature to suggest that the OP ltb based on that

Be honest OP, do you always expect him to be there when you tell him to be?

He cooked you a nice meal and dropped the keys off at his parents and had a bit ofa chat. If you’re constantly having a go at him for things like that then maybe he’s reached breaking point.

If he’s regularly saying things like that then that’s one thing, but women regularly expect to be given a break on here because of being pregnant and hormonal, so it’s understandable that he might say you are being hormonal if you are.

I don't know. He says I've been awful for ages but I really don't think I have been at all. I have had less patience today with little jokes and wind ups because I feel rough but I really don't think I've been unreasonable. I have also apologised for feeling a bit flat and said it is just hormones. We've barely seen each other recently due to both being busy and he went away to see a friend at the weekend. We've been good recently but had very little time together and I am feeling a little vulnerable right now and did want to celebrate tonight. He sees his parents at least 2/3 times a week for a decent chat and I don't police where he is at all. He said he was talking about important things and that they knew it was our anniversary so clearly didn't see a problem with it either. I'm upset he was out for so long and wouldn't apologise, and yeah maybe I am overreacting due to being a hormonal cow right now, but it's the way he fully snapped at me afterwards and went on and on that has really hurt.

I'm now sleeping on the sofa and he did come in and give me a kiss on the forehead and say sorry and tell me to come to bed but it all feels far too little too late now. I am so so upset.

OP posts:
Kay286 · 16/08/2023 00:01

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 15/08/2023 23:53

I think it’s worth bearing in mind that this is just a snapshot here and one argument. It’s a bit premature to suggest that the OP ltb based on that

Be honest OP, do you always expect him to be there when you tell him to be?

He cooked you a nice meal and dropped the keys off at his parents and had a bit ofa chat. If you’re constantly having a go at him for things like that then maybe he’s reached breaking point.

If he’s regularly saying things like that then that’s one thing, but women regularly expect to be given a break on here because of being pregnant and hormonal, so it’s understandable that he might say you are being hormonal if you are.

Exactly this ! Whilst the comment was truly vile it’s a snapshot of one single moment.
I’ve been married 17 years and we are quite passionate and heated and have said some pretty mean stuff to cause hurt in the heat of an argument- I love my husband dearly !
im not saying get over the comment OP but if you’ve been together a while and this is a one-off cause he was end of his tether and it’s not a normaL everyday occurrence it needs to be taken in context.
agree he made a nice meal etc and if you were annoyed he popped his parents for 25 mins and do things like this often ?? More now as hormonal I can see reason for him getting irritated… I don’t really see he did anything wrong except the comment which is disgusting.