Argument with DP- AIBU?

[deliveroodoo]

Name changed. Sorry it's long.

Today it's a big anniversary for me and my partner. I'm also 5 weeks pregnant (planned). I wanted to go out to a restaurant or celebrate somehow as it feels a big deal, although we agreed no presents. Yesterday, he suggested we don't go out as 'we have a lot going on' and that we stay in and have a meal together. I was a little disappointed but agreed. He said we could go away for a weekend in a month or two instead. He came home and cooked the meal- the starter was just shop bought and simple but he made a nice pasta main and put thought and effort in to it. It was lovely and it was a really nice evening. He then said he needed to drop his keys off with his parents as they would need them tomorrow. Ok, not ideal, but fair enough. They only live a street away, I assumed he'd be back in 5 minutes and we could enjoy the evening together (time together has been rare lately as he's often busy/out with friends- I don't remember the last time we had a date just us). After about 25 minutes I was wondering what was keeping him and dropped him a text. He said he was just chatting. Bearing in mind he sees his parents daily I thought this was a bit off considering it's our anniversary and asked him to come back. He comes in 15 minutes later (it's a 30 second walk to get home). I am pretty upset at this point and do tell him I'm really annoyed and don't think it's fair. He gets really angry back and says he doesn't understand what he's done wrong and I'm being dramatic/hormonal. He says he's sick of me and tells me to get an abortion because he doesn't want to be 'stuck with me' for the rest of his life. About 5 minutes later he says he didn't mean it but he said it and I'm utterly heartbroken. He said he's just sick of me being hormonal and always having a go and being unreasonable, but I really don't understand how I've been unreasonable here. I am now refusing to just 'get over it' and watch a film because of what he said and how he's treated me and he's sitting there going 'I hate my life'. AITA? Please be honest.

Agreed

Not the total point of the thread but another thread recently where a poster was complaining about her mother, his MIL, being at their house every time he came home. All the comments were along the lines of get rid of the husband, your mother is your mother. No one called her a Mummy's girl etc which is standard for men if they dare see heir parents two or three times a week.
I cannot believe how many women and posters would suggest ending a much wanted pregnancy because the OP had a row with their husband. Couples row and a five week pregnancy probably doesn't seem as real to a man as it does to a woman.
All of the comments suggesting you LTB seem over the top.Ditto advice to terminate the pregnancy.
OP you don't have to stay with your husband if you don't want to but after 10 years you must know if this remark was unusual or typical. Then you can act accordingly.

You sacrificed your evening out having dinner at a nice restaurant on your anniversary because he asked it of you. Cooking you a nice dinner in compensation of that is the very least he could do. So, no extra points awarded to him for that!

You are pregnant for the first time. Congratulations by the way💐💖🎉. And it is a significant anniversary too.

Of course you both should spend that time together and celebrate and make the most of it.

He absolutely didn’t. YANBU to be disappointed or upset by this.

He trivialised it and tried to blame your hormones for your very reasonable feelings. Gaslighting.

YANBU. You deserve better than this. You deserve to be loved. You are not inconsequential. He needs to appreciate you more. I hope he realises that. I hope even more that you know this to be true. You deserve better.

No, you are not the asshole. You are not being unreasonable or hormonal. You are being human. You have every right to feel upset and hurt by your partner's behaviour and words. He was the one who was insensitive and disrespectful to you on a special day.

You wanted to celebrate your anniversary and your pregnancy with him, but he didn't seem to care much. He cancelled your plans to go out, he left you alone for 40 minutes to chat with his parents, he ignored you while texting another woman, he threw an ovulation stick in the bin, and he told you to get an abortion. That's not how you treat someone you love and respect.

He should have made an effort to make you feel special and appreciated, not neglected and unwanted. He should have been supportive and excited about your pregnancy, not resentful and angry. He should have apologised and tried to make it up to you, not blamed you and made you feel guilty.

You deserve better than this. You deserve someone who treats you with love and respect, and who makes you feel happy and secure. You deserve someone who is committed to you and your baby, not someone who wants to get rid of them.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel. Don't let him gaslight you or manipulate you. Don't let him make excuses or justify his actions. Don't let him make you doubt yourself or your worth. You are not the problem here. He is.

He may have said sorry and kissed you on the forehead, but that is not enough. He needs to show you that he is truly sorry and that he cares about you and your relationship.

This is too toxic a relationship to bring a child into.

This ^

And mainly just don’t have a baby with this man.

If he is like this now it won’t get better and you have no concept of the pain and difficulty having a baby with one of these men will cause you, and how much it can drag down all aspects of yourself and your life.

(Hope you don’t own a property together but, if you do, that it’s jointly owned and you can get your share by selling. If you live in his house or earn a lot less than him then 🚩🚩)

Also read (discreetly) Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does Ge Do That? Before you decide if you should leave or not. You can download on Apple Books/kindle.

I know you can’t learn from the mistakes of others, but I wish that wasn’t the case - the things he has said to you in this one argument are 🚩🚩 and I would be amazed if it’s the first time. You can never get an abuser out of your life completely if you share a child (and even if you split up, your child will still have to survive through their “love”). It’s no fun.

He could have dropped the keys off in the morning.

He's a twat.

Imagine saying abort the baby how disgusting.

He's an asshole for calling you hormonal.

If he lacks patience and understanding for hormones now this will make pregnancy and child rearing painful with him.

When people say things like that in the heat of the moment. I am inclined to believe them.

Maybe he does regret telling you to abort. Even so, it's abhorrent to even say it.

But I would certainly believe the wider context of what he said.

He doesn't want to be tied to you for the rest of his life.

He has huge doubts about the relationship and what he wants for the future.

I wouldn't waste my time with him.

He is nasty and if he isn't sure this is what he wants he will turn even more nasty with resentment.

I would chose to end it myself.

He can kiss and say sorry but he isn't dealing with the fact he doesn't want the baby and isn't sure he wants you.

You and the baby don't deserve that.

Make the decision for him!

What's the deal with his parents OP?

It's a bit pathetic to be a grown man living that close, seeing them multiple times a week, leaving his own anniversary dinner to chat to Mum & Dad. it's weird.

It is an enmeshed relationship?