Argument with DP- AIBU?

[deliveroodoo]

Name changed. Sorry it's long.

Today it's a big anniversary for me and my partner. I'm also 5 weeks pregnant (planned). I wanted to go out to a restaurant or celebrate somehow as it feels a big deal, although we agreed no presents. Yesterday, he suggested we don't go out as 'we have a lot going on' and that we stay in and have a meal together. I was a little disappointed but agreed. He said we could go away for a weekend in a month or two instead. He came home and cooked the meal- the starter was just shop bought and simple but he made a nice pasta main and put thought and effort in to it. It was lovely and it was a really nice evening. He then said he needed to drop his keys off with his parents as they would need them tomorrow. Ok, not ideal, but fair enough. They only live a street away, I assumed he'd be back in 5 minutes and we could enjoy the evening together (time together has been rare lately as he's often busy/out with friends- I don't remember the last time we had a date just us). After about 25 minutes I was wondering what was keeping him and dropped him a text. He said he was just chatting. Bearing in mind he sees his parents daily I thought this was a bit off considering it's our anniversary and asked him to come back. He comes in 15 minutes later (it's a 30 second walk to get home). I am pretty upset at this point and do tell him I'm really annoyed and don't think it's fair. He gets really angry back and says he doesn't understand what he's done wrong and I'm being dramatic/hormonal. He says he's sick of me and tells me to get an abortion because he doesn't want to be 'stuck with me' for the rest of his life. About 5 minutes later he says he didn't mean it but he said it and I'm utterly heartbroken. He said he's just sick of me being hormonal and always having a go and being unreasonable, but I really don't understand how I've been unreasonable here. I am now refusing to just 'get over it' and watch a film because of what he said and how he's treated me and he's sitting there going 'I hate my life'. AITA? Please be honest.

This morning I feel awful. I tried to sleep on the sofa but couldn't as I was so upset. Eventually went to bed at 3 but I feel drained beyond belief. I don't feel I can talk to anyone IRL about this. To be honest I'm just incredibly confused and don't know what on earth to do. I don't want to leave him, I love him very much, but I can't just get over it. He apologised this morning but I just ignored it because it felt pretty meaningless after the magnitude of it all.

I can see faults on both sides, one hundred percent his crime was a million times worse, what he said was awful. But texting him to come home 25 mins after he left and then being really upset when he got home, as he was gone a total of 40 mins, I don’t think was ok.

I’d have been furious if my husband did that. He’s accused uou of behaving badly a lot, so I’d wonder if something in it and he’s exploded. What he said was unforgivable.but I’m not sure you covered yourself in glory either.

Really?

You'd sod off on your 10 year anniversary evening?

That was exactly my thought too. Especially after OP said he is out a lot

@deliveroodoo

I think you've had a name change fail. Just thought I'd let you know in case you want to delete x

His parents aren’t great either, why did he need to go over and stay so long when he sees them so often anyway. If I was his parents I would have been sending him home as it was your anniversary.

@deliveroodoo

I'm sorry you've woken up feeling awful.

Does anything of what people have said make sense to you?

I'm concerned as a lot of people are as abuse really tends to ramp up during pregnancy. Micro aggressions you might not have noticed or don't seem as important suddenly become bigger.

Why have you been apologising for being hormonal already?

Do you have family nearby? I know you said you can't talk to anyone. But I'm worried you don't have real life support.

When you planned this baby did he say that he'd be around more, or does he still expect to walk in and out of the house when it suits him? He's taking you and your marriage for granted, as said, he might be thinking giving you a baby would shut you up and allow him to neglect you. You are going to be very lonely.

I don’t think I’d be able to get over the abortion comment or the repeated statements that he hates his life. No matter how long you’ve been together or how annoying the other person is being, there are things that cannot be taken back once said. There’s not much he could have said that would be worse than telling you to abort your child and that he hates the life you live together.

If you don’t want to leave him, then I’d be very sure to have a Plan B set up so that if you need to leave, or when he leaves you, you’re prepared to be a single parent, you’ve got money tucked away and somewhere to go. His behaviour (including him always being out with his mates) suggests that you are not destined to have a long and happy life together and he’s already got one foot nudging towards the door.

Just in case this is the start of escalating abuse, I’d also be inclined to start documenting every incident in case you need to show the police at any point in the future.

@Kay286

No and I’ve already said I agree the comment is vile … but they’ve been together 10 years people say hurtful thing when they are pissed off and reach a certain point.

Do people really do this in healthy relationships? Say things designed to be incredibly hurtful, even in the heat of the moment? I can understand an 'oh piss off' or 'you're driving me mad', but saying things purposefully to hurt the other person deeply? I'm not sure that happens in otherwise healthy relationships tbh.

@Deathbyfluffy

Abuse starting or increasing during pregnancy is a well known issue.

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/being-pregnant/domestic-abuse-and-after-pregnancy

@runningonberocca

However - he cooked you a lovely meal and then popped around to his parents for less than an hour and you were texting him and “really annoyed” when he came back. That sounds very controlling and claustrophobic

You think it's 'controlling and claustrophobic' to be annoyed someone suddenly left a planned 'lovely' meal after 15 minutes, to go somewhere else unplanned, only returning after nearly an hour?

by the time we sat down together it was almost 9. He went out about 9.15 and didn't come back to 10.05. He likes to be in bed by 10.30/11.

Either you missed that bit or your expectations of how a loving partner behaves are on the floor!

@Janieforever

But texting him to come home 25 mins after he left and then being really upset when he got home, as he was gone a total of 40 mins, I don’t think was ok.

Despite the fact he left their ten year anniversary meal after 15 minutes and said he just needed to drop keys off?

I would be sitting at the table wondering what on earth was going on and send a text too.

And I'm not in the least bit clingy.

Yes, to be honest, yes,🤷🏻‍♀️

What kind of man tells his pregnant wife to get an abortion because of a disagreement/argument?! How vile and abusive.

This will only get worse as your pregnancy progresses. If you are feeling tired, stressed, hormonal (yes, they make you feel all sorts of weird at times!), worried about anything going on in the pregnancy, I’m not sure you can count on this man to support you. He sounds awful.

@monsteramunch yes I would say so .. and im
not saying every week or even regular occurrence (and I haven’t said something similar to the op partners comments ) but at my most stressed I’ve said something hurtful about intensional during a heated row as he’s my rock and it’s an outlet.

We have a perfectly happy healthy relationship together 17 years. In fact I feel been able to argue vent and get it out then make up super quick is healthy we both admit sometimes we needed that.

however I take it back in the extra info the op has provided he’s just an arsehole.

He wouldn't go out to eat on your anniversary like you wanted to

He went to see his PARENTS on your anniversary for 40 minutes which would have been much longer if you hadn't text him

He was unbelievably cruel to you and the baby when you called him out on the above.......UNBELIEVABLY cruel

Then you had to sleep on the sofa

I could not get past any of this

You need to talk to someone about it , a counsellor or someone, because how do you get past this?

Also ....why does he see his parents so often?

People don't throw horrible words out like "get an abortion" when they're in a argument. That's not normal. He's talking about his own unborn child there. Is this normal behaviour for him to be so nasty?

I personally couldn’t move on from my partner saying I should abort our child in an argument or any other context. However, if he’s not coping with your “emotions” now then this isn’t going to go away when you’re heavily pregnant, giving birth, postpartum and sleep deprived in the weeks and months after. I wouldn’t want to be “at fault” for simply expressing basic needs in a relationship with someone who resents me for having a child they didn’t want and trapping them in a life they say they hate. If they are his true feelings that have bubbled to the surface then I don’t really see where you would go from there. What he’s said in anger or not is unacceptable and I’m sorry for you, I agree you can’t just kiss and make up over it but equally I don’t know how you get back from it.

Happy anniversary op. I will wish you the best possible gift of never having another one with this man. I think this sounds like who he is, and if you stay you will be more and more covering up your needs and wants as he doesn’t accept that you might have any. He was particularly vicious because he knew he was being unreasonable on his our anniversary and feeling even slightly in the wrong made him lash out. I don’t think this kind of thing can change.

He sounds revolting.

So many things wrong with this.

Why the fuck do you live 30 seconds by foot from his parents house?

What he said was unforgivable IMO. What a shitty horrible man.

He is dismissing your valid feelings by blaming your 'hormones' and making himself the victim.

If he tried to kiss me on the forehead after that display (while I was trying to sleep no less) I would be tempted to slap him away.

I'd be considering my options if I was you OP. It doesn't sound good for the future.

There is so much wrong with this.

You minimising his behaviour.
You, pregnant, trying to sleep on a sofa after he said those unforgivable things to you. Him sleeping peacefully upstairs with zero fucks given.
Him thinking its all okay because he said a sorry he didnt mean in a non petulant manner?

Abuse starts and ramps up in pregnancy.

I would geniunely ask him to pack and leave and weigh up your options including the pregnancy.
I am pregnant for the second time we have a good marriage but it takes its toll and if your relationship is like this now... wait until the baby lands.
because he will nowlt magically start showing up and being kind and doing hard yards. It will be this or worse while you are vulnerable and on 3 hours sleep with a demanding newborn

I know its hard to hear but none of this is okay or normal. And its a really REALLY bad sign for your future.

I know it’s incredibly hard to talk to people IRL sometimes but I think that’s really what you should do OP. I wouldn’t mind betting that once you do reveal a few things more will come out that you’ve been trying to ignore or justify to yourself. it’s always good to have the perspective of your loved ones too, you’ll probably find things become a lot clearer for you.

You're only 5 weeks pregnant. This is going to get so much harder. He's really been a twat and it's not acceptable. Maybe he is indeed reconsidering the relationship and so should you.

His actions are worse than his words. He's never at home, and didn't want to celebrate your anniversary and pregnancy with you. Presumably he went to his parents to discuss the pregnancy with them? Maybe he's still in shock/denial about the pregnancy.
You need to sit down together and discuss what you both want out of your relationship moving forward and what your expectations are for each other: to stay or split, keep the baby or not. You don't both currently appear to be on the same page. Better to clarify now than when the baby has arrived and he takes no parental responsibility and still acts like a single man.