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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with DP- AIBU?

136 replies

deliveroodoo · 15/08/2023 23:27

Name changed. Sorry it's long.

Today it's a big anniversary for me and my partner. I'm also 5 weeks pregnant (planned). I wanted to go out to a restaurant or celebrate somehow as it feels a big deal, although we agreed no presents. Yesterday, he suggested we don't go out as 'we have a lot going on' and that we stay in and have a meal together. I was a little disappointed but agreed. He said we could go away for a weekend in a month or two instead. He came home and cooked the meal- the starter was just shop bought and simple but he made a nice pasta main and put thought and effort in to it. It was lovely and it was a really nice evening. He then said he needed to drop his keys off with his parents as they would need them tomorrow. Ok, not ideal, but fair enough. They only live a street away, I assumed he'd be back in 5 minutes and we could enjoy the evening together (time together has been rare lately as he's often busy/out with friends- I don't remember the last time we had a date just us). After about 25 minutes I was wondering what was keeping him and dropped him a text. He said he was just chatting. Bearing in mind he sees his parents daily I thought this was a bit off considering it's our anniversary and asked him to come back. He comes in 15 minutes later (it's a 30 second walk to get home). I am pretty upset at this point and do tell him I'm really annoyed and don't think it's fair. He gets really angry back and says he doesn't understand what he's done wrong and I'm being dramatic/hormonal. He says he's sick of me and tells me to get an abortion because he doesn't want to be 'stuck with me' for the rest of his life. About 5 minutes later he says he didn't mean it but he said it and I'm utterly heartbroken. He said he's just sick of me being hormonal and always having a go and being unreasonable, but I really don't understand how I've been unreasonable here. I am now refusing to just 'get over it' and watch a film because of what he said and how he's treated me and he's sitting there going 'I hate my life'. AITA? Please be honest.

OP posts:
StressedToDeathhhh · 16/08/2023 08:02

If someone told me to abort our baby in an argument the relationship would be instantly dead, absolutely NO coming back from that. Hope you're okay and have support around you

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/08/2023 08:03

I hate that this happened to you - He has put you in an awful position.

Can you tell him to atay at his parents for a few daya so you can clear your head.

This ...
allows you to clear your head
takes some power back
Lets you get more useful info (if he is a remorseful upset begging ypu to forgive him its one thing, if he is angry and resentful and keeps up the "you are hormonal" nonesense its another)

FOJN · 16/08/2023 08:06

Deadringer · 16/08/2023 00:38

So you wanted to go out and celebrate but he wanted to stay home because you both have a lot on, but actually he has been out a lot with mates etc, but you compromised and stayed home, then he pissed off to his parents and is annoyed because you weren't happy about that. What a selfish arsehole, and what he said about you and the baby, that is unforgivable.

I agree and it was 50 minutes spent with parents he sees regularly.

I think I would be upset if I had made the compromises he asked for and even then he couldn't give me one whole evening. I wouldn't put up with the hormones crap either. If he didn't set out to create an issue then he must be spectacularly selfish or stupid. No one thinks that buggering off for the better part of an hour during a rare date night celebration is OK.

There are some things you don't say even in the heat of an argument.
Most of us will have experienced hurtful remarks made by a partner that may have been said in anger but they have stayed with us and from that we learn that there are some things you just can't take back so it's wise to be careful when expressing anger. He does not appear to be able to exercise any restraint.

Do you usually feel like he can prioritise you on special occasions or is this a pattern? I wonder if he's worried he will not be your priority when the baby arrives but that is no excuse for his behaviour. I think his lack of regard for you will only get worse.

sodthesodoff · 16/08/2023 08:08

Jesus. The replies on here

Yes he told you to get an abortion but he made you a pasta dinner so he's not all bad

It's not what you want to hear but I would be reevaluating everything. Abusive partners tend to ramp it up during and after pregnancy as they know you are trapped.

What he said was vile. I don't think I could come back from that.

But actually leading up to it was pretty shit too. And you're entitled to feel upset. Don't underestimate any of it. They're all micro aggressions that taken out of context will seem insignificant. But add them all together and it's pretty horrific.

How are you this morning?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 16/08/2023 08:09

He says he's sick of me and tells me to get an abortion because he doesn't want to be 'stuck with me'

Wow those words can never be unsaid!!

I'd be rethinking the whole relationship on that one sentence. He's allowed to be annoyed, he's allowed to want to different things on his anniversary, but that sentence right there is a clear indication that he has no thoughts or feelings for your thoughts or feelings at all.

Sounds like he thinks he's trapped you with the pregnancy and can now treat you in anyway he wants

getfreddynow · 16/08/2023 08:12

You’re not happy. He doesn’t sound happy. Communication is poor. Resentment is high.

Didimum · 16/08/2023 08:12

runningonberocca · 16/08/2023 07:55

What he said to you was awful and I’m not sure I could get past that. However - he cooked you a lovely meal and then popped around to his parents for less than an hour and you were texting him and “really annoyed” when he came back. That sounds very controlling and claustrophobic- maybe he just sees this getting worse when you have a child together.

They didn’t sit down to eat together until nearly 9pm and then he was at his parents from 9:15-10pm.

Newnamehiwhodis · 16/08/2023 08:15

No this is not at all good,
OP.
you even blame yourself for the earlier weeks. Do you see how quickly the narrative flips to examine you?
he’s keeping himself away from any examination by continually flipping it back on you, and you’ve grown so used to it, you’re doing it too.

this is unhealthy. I’m so sorry- but I don’t think this is going to get better.

MadeForThis · 16/08/2023 08:15

I do t think I could forgive or forget those words. I would assume they came from something he was already thinking. Or discussing with his parents.

Does he usually verbally attack you? Does he reach for the worst possible thing he could say? He sounds immature and nasty.

Poontangle · 16/08/2023 08:23

He was horrible to tell you to get an abortion.

But he wasn't wrong.

This man is never going to give you what you crave. He doesn't love you, he'll never marry you (anniversaries are for weddings, not first shags), and he's not worth another second of your precious time.

Naunet · 16/08/2023 08:30

Well you need to have a think about what you want in life because I predict in a years time, you’ll find yourself stuck at home with the baby, financial reliant on him but unmarried, so no safety net. He’ll be off every night with friends etc whilst you entertain his parents popping round and he’ll shout at you if you ever dare moan about him not pulling his weight. At least go into this with your eyes open.

JanieEyre · 16/08/2023 08:31

I have also apologised for feeling a bit flat and said it is just hormones.

You need to stop blaming things on your hormones, because that's what he's picked up on. All of us feel flat at times just because we feel flat, nothing to do with hormones. Presumably your partner does as well. Nothing excuses what he said, but has the "hormones" reason been popping up a lot over the last few weeks?

JenniferBarkley · 16/08/2023 08:32

What he said is unforgivable.

The anniversary thing on its own could just be a mismatch in expectations for the evening, but it's clearly part of a bigger picture.

This:

time together has been rare lately as he's often busy/out with friends- I don't remember the last time we had a date just us

doesn't particularly sound like a man who is going to change his life for a baby. Is he going to be up in the night, organising his days around childcare, covering half of the (many, many) sick days?

I would think very carefully about where you go from here.

Thelonelygiraffe · 16/08/2023 08:35

time together has been rare lately as he's often busy/out with friends- I don't remember the last time we had a date just us.

So he doesn't prioritise you. And last night, when he knew you wanted to spend time with him, he still didn't prioritise you. Then when you said you were upset, he went off on a vile rant and said unforgivable things to you.

I'm not surprised you're upset, and I'm not sure I could get past what he said.

idliketogetdownnow · 16/08/2023 08:37

What he said to you is absolutely abhorrent. He cooked you a bowl of pasta then fucked off for an hour on your big wedding anniversary, then told you to get an abortion when you complained?

At a minimum I would be asking him to go to his parents for a couple of nights while you consider your options.

This is not ok, OP. Things are going to get very hard with a newborn. You can't have him saying things like this to you. I know it's not as easy as LTB but you do need to come down on this like a tonne of bricks. I'm sorry he's such a prick.

Thelonelygiraffe · 16/08/2023 08:39

runningonberocca · 16/08/2023 07:55

What he said to you was awful and I’m not sure I could get past that. However - he cooked you a lovely meal and then popped around to his parents for less than an hour and you were texting him and “really annoyed” when he came back. That sounds very controlling and claustrophobic- maybe he just sees this getting worse when you have a child together.

They sat down to eat at 9pm and he went out at 9.15!!!

Not much of an evening.

And OP had gone to the shops to get things he had forgotten and had worked on a letter for him while he was cooking. They didn't have a massive romantic evening where he waited on her all night...

And raise your bar.

fancyfrogs · 16/08/2023 08:44

I think the events of the evening weren't great but could get over that. What I could never forgive or forget is the abortion comment. That's absolutely vile and no amount of apologising would fix that for me I'm afraid.

rainbowstardrops · 16/08/2023 09:31

Deadringer · 16/08/2023 00:38

So you wanted to go out and celebrate but he wanted to stay home because you both have a lot on, but actually he has been out a lot with mates etc, but you compromised and stayed home, then he pissed off to his parents and is annoyed because you weren't happy about that. What a selfish arsehole, and what he said about you and the baby, that is unforgivable.

I totally agree.
Forgetting him not wanting to go out when he knew you wanted to and then sodding off to his parents house on your anniversary, if my partner said he wanted me to get an abortion because he didn't want to be stuck with me forever, he'd have been told to fuck off back to mummy and daddy's house!
It's irrelevant if he says he didn't mean it - it can't ever be unheard. Awful man.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2023 09:32

sodthesodoff · 16/08/2023 08:08

Jesus. The replies on here

Yes he told you to get an abortion but he made you a pasta dinner so he's not all bad

It's not what you want to hear but I would be reevaluating everything. Abusive partners tend to ramp it up during and after pregnancy as they know you are trapped.

What he said was vile. I don't think I could come back from that.

But actually leading up to it was pretty shit too. And you're entitled to feel upset. Don't underestimate any of it. They're all micro aggressions that taken out of context will seem insignificant. But add them all together and it's pretty horrific.

How are you this morning?

Yes I agree speaking from my experience described below

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2023 09:37

@Deathbyfluffy yes but are your mates like the man described in ops op and in my post? The point I, and many other experienced pp are making, is that those guys who ARENT nice usually get MUCH WORSE in pregnant which comes as a shock as, as a woman, you would think 'this guy should be extra nice to me I'm carrying his child and he knows pregnancy is a tough time!' It's definitely a 'thing' - I've spoken to police, midwives and social workers about how common this is.
Great that you only have nice guys and dads in your social circle (as far as you're aware- many abuse or neglectful ones are very charming and can put on a good show) but there are lots of bad ones out there which op is sadly realizing now

JibbaJab · 16/08/2023 09:43

No, you're not unreasonable.

Dinner, okay, although you did want to go out. Going to parents, no.
Seeing no fault in that, no.
Saying that to you, absolutely not.

You don't just say things like that. Bear in mind also, that is his child too.

Minfilia · 16/08/2023 09:47

What he said obviously wasn’t okay. That level of vitriol is clearly unacceptable.

But on the flip side, you were annoyed at him because he didn’t want to go out. Then you were annoyed because he bought a pre-made starter instead of cooking from scratch. Then you were annoyed because he was out of the house for 25 minutes! Whilst admitting that it has annoyed you in the past that he spends time with his parents.

I’d honestly find that exhausting and incredibly controlling if I were in his shoes. And if a woman had posted that about her DH’s behaviour, the replies would be very different.

It sounds like some self reflection and work is needed from both of you.

LookingForPurpose · 16/08/2023 10:09

You have been pregnant for a matter of DAYS and he's telling you to have an abortion as he doesn't want to be with you?

This is a clear indicator of exactly how he is going to treat you for the rest of your relationship. I imagine in your mind you are already picturing a fully formed baby and how your lives will look in the future but he isn't, he wants you to get rid. Surely that tells you something about what sort of person he is? He didn't go softly softly and slowly ramp up the argument, he went nuclear and with the most hurtful option that he KNEW would get a reaction from you.

If you accept it, you are redrawing newer, but much poorer boundaries that will give him the go ahead to treat you increasingly worse, and he's already classed your pregnancy as disposable.

I know what I would be doing and it wouldn't be having a baby or staying in this relationship. It's already over.

Original poster
deliveroodoo · 16/08/2023 10:16

BibbleandSqwauk · 16/08/2023 07:21

Why is it not his fault he forgot shopping for a meal HE was cooking? Why did you go and why are you doing his life admin and cover letter? If he's too busy maybe he needs to be out less with his mates? Sorry OP but he really does not sound nice. How is he going to react when baby is here and you aren't his support person running errands for him anymore?

As in it was a genuine accident. He forgot cat food which we were out of rather than food for the meal itself. He wrote his own cover letter but I'm a very good writer (not coming across here in my emotional state!) and was editing/rewriting it for him. In fairness he does do his fair share and the relationship is very equal in terms of shared
workload.

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 16/08/2023 10:20

Minfilia · 16/08/2023 09:47

What he said obviously wasn’t okay. That level of vitriol is clearly unacceptable.

But on the flip side, you were annoyed at him because he didn’t want to go out. Then you were annoyed because he bought a pre-made starter instead of cooking from scratch. Then you were annoyed because he was out of the house for 25 minutes! Whilst admitting that it has annoyed you in the past that he spends time with his parents.

I’d honestly find that exhausting and incredibly controlling if I were in his shoes. And if a woman had posted that about her DH’s behaviour, the replies would be very different.

It sounds like some self reflection and work is needed from both of you.

Where does she say she was annoyed about the pre made starter?

She said factually. He did this. She actually went on to praise the pasta meal and said it was nice.

I'm amazed you think the op needs to work on herself.

She wanted to go out for a meal to celebrate their 10 year anniversary. He didn't. So she compromised.

He's been away all weekend. They've not had time together as he's always been out. I don't think she's unreasonable wanting an evening with her partner for their anniversary.

Whilst he cooked she sorted out work for him.

She's pregnant and has had to apologise for being 'flat' already. When her 'loving' partner blames her hormones and tells her to have an abortion

Then when she gets upset and doesn't accept his mealy apology he sits on his arse moaning about his life.

The only thing she needs to work on is her escape plan.

If this is how he is when she's in early pregnancy it doesn't look great for when the baby gets here.

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