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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with DP- AIBU?

136 replies

deliveroodoo · 15/08/2023 23:27

Name changed. Sorry it's long.

Today it's a big anniversary for me and my partner. I'm also 5 weeks pregnant (planned). I wanted to go out to a restaurant or celebrate somehow as it feels a big deal, although we agreed no presents. Yesterday, he suggested we don't go out as 'we have a lot going on' and that we stay in and have a meal together. I was a little disappointed but agreed. He said we could go away for a weekend in a month or two instead. He came home and cooked the meal- the starter was just shop bought and simple but he made a nice pasta main and put thought and effort in to it. It was lovely and it was a really nice evening. He then said he needed to drop his keys off with his parents as they would need them tomorrow. Ok, not ideal, but fair enough. They only live a street away, I assumed he'd be back in 5 minutes and we could enjoy the evening together (time together has been rare lately as he's often busy/out with friends- I don't remember the last time we had a date just us). After about 25 minutes I was wondering what was keeping him and dropped him a text. He said he was just chatting. Bearing in mind he sees his parents daily I thought this was a bit off considering it's our anniversary and asked him to come back. He comes in 15 minutes later (it's a 30 second walk to get home). I am pretty upset at this point and do tell him I'm really annoyed and don't think it's fair. He gets really angry back and says he doesn't understand what he's done wrong and I'm being dramatic/hormonal. He says he's sick of me and tells me to get an abortion because he doesn't want to be 'stuck with me' for the rest of his life. About 5 minutes later he says he didn't mean it but he said it and I'm utterly heartbroken. He said he's just sick of me being hormonal and always having a go and being unreasonable, but I really don't understand how I've been unreasonable here. I am now refusing to just 'get over it' and watch a film because of what he said and how he's treated me and he's sitting there going 'I hate my life'. AITA? Please be honest.

OP posts:
Ladylalaboo1 · 16/08/2023 00:58

The fact he's already blaming you and stating the reason are your hormones are ridiculous you are 5 weeks pregnant so potentially at most have only known for 2- maybe 3 weeks, how can you have even been that hormonal for that time? And I hate to break it to him but it's going to get a hell of a lot worse, which is normal fyi and he as a decent partner and human being should appreciate the sacrifice you and your body are going through right now and just get on with it. To shout you should get an abortion is just awful. Makes you feel so vulnerable and like you aren't important

toomuchlaundry · 16/08/2023 00:58

@Deathbyfluffy its very well known that men can become abusive/ramp up their behaviour during and after pregnancy. I remember being given a leaflet on DV when I had my first appointment with the midwife. Didn’t understand why she was talking about DV when all I wanted to talk about was my pregnancy

ihadamarveloustime · 16/08/2023 01:11

He says he's sick of me and tells me to get an abortion because he doesn't want to be 'stuck with me' for the rest of his life.

I gasped out loud when I got to that sentence.

He's horrible. He's not a good person. Good people don't say things like that, no matter what the reason.

I'm sorry, OP.

CherryMaDeara · 16/08/2023 01:28

I think this will be your life with him, you at home with the baby whilst he is always out.

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 01:38

You either accept a life with someone who's inconsiderate and stupid or you leave and move on and find someone (in the future) that is considerate and not stupid.
In my experience this man will never change. He will be the cause of all your stress, loneliness, lines and wrinkles. But you will not change him.

MeinKraft · 16/08/2023 02:02

CherryMaDeara · 16/08/2023 01:28

I think this will be your life with him, you at home with the baby whilst he is always out.

Yes, it will. Every bedtime, every school run will be up to you OP while he swans around doing whatever he likes.

Codlingmoths · 16/08/2023 02:55

Holy ducking cow. He thinks you should get over that? I can tell you now that you will never ever ever forget he said that. I think you need to make it really clear right now he can choose. One of you needs to leave for now and he can decide if he wants to be in this relationship or not. He can leave since his parents are so close- tell him every night he doesn’t you will tell a mutual friend what he said to you, that you should have an abortion. He will know what everybody in the whole world would think of that.

Codlingmoths · 16/08/2023 02:58

Your thread title is inaccurate. It should read ‘it’s a milestone anniversary for us, I’m 5 weeks pregnant with a planned baby and my dp out of nowhere was spectacularly abusively fucking horrible to me’
except it’s probably not out of nowhere. There’s a good chance you just brush a lot under the rug for the sake of peace.

Weatherwax13 · 16/08/2023 04:47

I'll echo @ihadamarveloustime I gasped out loud too. That's a vile thing to say. A row is one thing. But that's a different league.
Just be really careful OP. What PPs have said about pregnancy being a very vulnerable time for a woman is absolutely true.

Poppyblush · 16/08/2023 06:12

I’d be rethinking my life with him. It’s not going to last.

AuroraForever · 16/08/2023 06:37

As horrible as it is, he’s trying to tell you he doesn’t want a baby with you and probably doesn’t want to be with you any more. He may apologise and say sorry but he can’t take back what he said so that’s just going to hang over you both now. If he wasn’t thinking it he wouldn’t have said it.

Motnight · 16/08/2023 06:46

I don't think that I could forgive that, Op. You are at your most vulnerable at the moment, and he has told you what he really wants.

SMM2020 · 16/08/2023 06:56

If he thinks your're hormonal now, f*ck knows what he's going to say and do when the baby gets here because I tell you...sleepless nights, postpartum recovery and leaking milk everywhere makes you one emotional wreck.

That aside, I can see why you were upset and disappointed but maybe the delivery was abrupt which got his back up? However, what he said was absolutely deplorable and he needs to reflect on why he said what he said. I'd be pretty devastated if my partner said anything like that to me whilst I was pregnant. I was so poorly with my first as well I couldn't function and had the shortest fuse. My OH would drive out every night to grab anything I needed because I couldn't stomach anything most days and never complained about it because he understood that growing a baby was physically and emotionally demanding.

Your DP needs to adjust his expectations of pregnancy and parenthood because he's in for a rough ride otherwise!

user1492757084 · 16/08/2023 06:57

You will be better off apart.

Mumof2teens79 · 16/08/2023 07:13

His comments were disgusting and I suspect that he is a bit unhappy for some reason/stressed but I also think you are over reacting about the visit to his parents.
I doubt it's a 30sec walk in reality, but perfectly reasonable to get into a conversation that lasts 30 minutes

Mumof2teens79 · 16/08/2023 07:16

Also, 5 weeks pregnant meaning LMP 5 weeks ago, known for 1week, conceived 2-3 weeks ago

What anniversary is it to be a "big one"? You said DP so guessing it's not a wedding anniversary. Perhaps he feels he is not ready for this.

BibbleandSqwauk · 16/08/2023 07:21

Why is it not his fault he forgot shopping for a meal HE was cooking? Why did you go and why are you doing his life admin and cover letter? If he's too busy maybe he needs to be out less with his mates? Sorry OP but he really does not sound nice. How is he going to react when baby is here and you aren't his support person running errands for him anymore?

Bluetrews25 · 16/08/2023 07:30

Sorry, can't remember your exact words, but you said you had not enjoyed his jokes and jibes (or something) today.....were they at your expense, poking 'fun' at you, OP? And today you could not tolerate it? If so, please know that this is NOT normal! Partners don't poke fun AT each other and play jokes on each other. Because it sounds as if these are not really jokes, and he is telling you the truth about how he really thinks and feels.

Aprilx · 16/08/2023 07:35

Well the comment about the abortion was awful, but up until that point I do think you were being very unreasonable. I think you are making more of this “anniversary” than it is worth (to me it actually shows ten wasted years of two people not willing to commit) and it was only 25 minutes. You also seem happy to excuse your poor behaviour as being due to hormones, but you have a problem when he does likewise.

Didimum · 16/08/2023 07:44

I don’t actually think you overreacted. I think it was the last straw in you feeling deprioritised. Probably beginning with lack of time spent with you overall and then cancelling your meal out. Unless you are hard up financially, cancelling the meal likely made you feel as though he didn’t care. Not everyone likes going to fancy restaurants, which is fine, but you should care to make your partner happy on your anniversary - especially when he already agreed to it.

If I had felt a sustained lack of interest and prioritisation from my partner, then yes, I can imagine snapping that on our anniversary celebration evening, he disappeared to his parents for 40 minutes.

It’s a crappy thing he said to you. I would try together to move past it (maybe, I don’t know the rest of the relationship), but it will be difficult to unhear what he said.

Didimum · 16/08/2023 07:46

Aprilx · 16/08/2023 07:35

Well the comment about the abortion was awful, but up until that point I do think you were being very unreasonable. I think you are making more of this “anniversary” than it is worth (to me it actually shows ten wasted years of two people not willing to commit) and it was only 25 minutes. You also seem happy to excuse your poor behaviour as being due to hormones, but you have a problem when he does likewise.

Why are you belittling their anniversary? And why put in in quotes as though it’s something to mock? Do you know what age they got together - this could be 17-27yrs old. Regardless, even if it’s 30-40, what exactly empowers you to judge ‘wasted time’ in two people’s lives?

Hibiscrubbed · 16/08/2023 07:54

Deadringer · 16/08/2023 00:38

So you wanted to go out and celebrate but he wanted to stay home because you both have a lot on, but actually he has been out a lot with mates etc, but you compromised and stayed home, then he pissed off to his parents and is annoyed because you weren't happy about that. What a selfish arsehole, and what he said about you and the baby, that is unforgivable.

Yep. This is about it. He’s a prick.

What he said to you is appalling. As is L aying into you for being hormonal at five week’s pregnant.

His behaviour also shows he’s an immature child, not equipped to support a woman through the biggest change her body will ever endure.

How often does he disappear off in boys’ weekends?

runningonberocca · 16/08/2023 07:55

What he said to you was awful and I’m not sure I could get past that. However - he cooked you a lovely meal and then popped around to his parents for less than an hour and you were texting him and “really annoyed” when he came back. That sounds very controlling and claustrophobic- maybe he just sees this getting worse when you have a child together.

BibbleandSqwauk · 16/08/2023 07:59

@runningonberocca but why did he have to pop round, late into the evening (they ate at 9) and stay for more than 5 mins to drop the keys when he sees them as often as he does? It was a particular night that the OP had already compromised quite a lot on. And no offense to the OP but a "pasta dish" is hardly the most labour intensive of dinners or effortful (I'm going out on a limb that he didn't actually make the pasta from scratch). He shop bought a starter, and made a dinner for his partner. Would a woman be getting praised to the skies for this?

CurlewKate · 16/08/2023 08:02

I suppose the whole Anniversary thing is remotely forgivable. Telling you to get an abortion is not. Not even remotely. He can go to his parents-he can't do the "I've got nowhere to go" thing.

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