Argument with DP- AIBU?

[deliveroodoo]

Name changed. Sorry it's long.

Today it's a big anniversary for me and my partner. I'm also 5 weeks pregnant (planned). I wanted to go out to a restaurant or celebrate somehow as it feels a big deal, although we agreed no presents. Yesterday, he suggested we don't go out as 'we have a lot going on' and that we stay in and have a meal together. I was a little disappointed but agreed. He said we could go away for a weekend in a month or two instead. He came home and cooked the meal- the starter was just shop bought and simple but he made a nice pasta main and put thought and effort in to it. It was lovely and it was a really nice evening. He then said he needed to drop his keys off with his parents as they would need them tomorrow. Ok, not ideal, but fair enough. They only live a street away, I assumed he'd be back in 5 minutes and we could enjoy the evening together (time together has been rare lately as he's often busy/out with friends- I don't remember the last time we had a date just us). After about 25 minutes I was wondering what was keeping him and dropped him a text. He said he was just chatting. Bearing in mind he sees his parents daily I thought this was a bit off considering it's our anniversary and asked him to come back. He comes in 15 minutes later (it's a 30 second walk to get home). I am pretty upset at this point and do tell him I'm really annoyed and don't think it's fair. He gets really angry back and says he doesn't understand what he's done wrong and I'm being dramatic/hormonal. He says he's sick of me and tells me to get an abortion because he doesn't want to be 'stuck with me' for the rest of his life. About 5 minutes later he says he didn't mean it but he said it and I'm utterly heartbroken. He said he's just sick of me being hormonal and always having a go and being unreasonable, but I really don't understand how I've been unreasonable here. I am now refusing to just 'get over it' and watch a film because of what he said and how he's treated me and he's sitting there going 'I hate my life'. AITA? Please be honest.

because I'd been at my parents for 25 minutes

... on their wedding anniversary when they were supposed to be celebrating together. OP had already compromised by not going out for a meal, and he repays her by fucking off!

I agree with the others. This was an obscene thing for him to come out with, let alone misogynistic and gaslighty. I'm not sure I could forgive.

Did anyone suggest aborting your (planned) child during those passionate and heated arguments?

The list of what he’s ’done’ wouldn’t especially bother me, but I am not sentimental.

however, what he said was truly awful and the sort of thing it’s very difficult to take back.

This. Better to be in a stronger place relationship wise before adding a baby to the mix.

To clarify I don't usually care that he goes to see his parents, although it does grate when he's there for hours during limitted time together but usually I say nothing. He got home at 6.30ish, I had to pop to the shop for stuff he'd forgotten (fair enough, not his fault), I sat and worked on a cover letter for him whilst he cooked, and by the time we sat down together it was almost 9. He went out about 9.15 and didn't come back to 10.05. He likes to be in bed by 10.30/11. Maybe I am being needy, but I did need to feel loved and like a priority today and I didn't.

No, he's obviously not your priority. He sounds like a liability all around. Man-baby.

Sorry, you're obviously not HIS priority I meant.

And that's the problem.

You are needy as you don't feel loved and prioritised.

I would never text dh if he were at his mums in this scenario, because I feel secure. Same in reverse.

No and I’ve already said I agree the comment is vile … but they’ve been together 10 years people say hurtful thing when they are pissed off and reach a certain point. She was getting annoyed he popped down the road for 25 minutes and getting annoyed at that ?
think they are both unreasonable. Him more so of course but I think it’s a bit much to say leave him right away !

Now you have given a little more context OP then I can see why we’re pissed !
Originally it sounded like he popped out at 5:30 and were texting him 25 mins later demanding to know when he was coming back which did sound a little OTT.
The extra info gives a much better picture - he sounds shit sorry

@deliveroodoo what a terrible thing for him to say. I’d struggle to get over that comment to be honest. You’ve been together a long time so you would know if this is out of character for him or not. Does he usually say awful things for a reaction/in the heat of the moment? Not that it excuses what he’s said at all but I’m just trying to get a picture of what he’s usually like

Evil.

I don't think you were needy at all, it was a special occasion and the plan was have a nice meal and film together. I would be annoyed too!

As for his comment, that is disgusting! Not sure I could get over that. Has he said things like this to you before?

Many men become (more) unpleasant as soon as a woman is pregnant.

It's a truly horrible thing to say.

What is the rest of your relationship like?

My ex said something similar to me about 9 weeks into my pregnancy. (That was his idea and planned) - he also 'took it back.' In the mean time he proposed, suggested we buy a house together and put an offer... then walked out on me at week 34 and had the audacity to remind me of that conversation as evidence of me 'never listening to him' and why I didn't have a leg to stand on that I found him walking out shocking.

I'm not saying this to scare you, but just to be transparent that you should only go ahead with the pregnancy if you want it even if you're a single mum potentially.

Yup! My ex did

You're not unreasonable to be a bit disappointed at your lack lutre night in but in fairness it doesn't sound like you did anything for him. I can't remember the last time anyone cooked for me, let alone a starter. I guess you both made assumptions and were on different wavelengths.
I think you're a bit ott to be moaning at him when it seems he didn't really want to 'do' anything but made a bit of an effort for you. It wasn't enough though so I can see him being pissed off, ......however.....what he said was vile. It would take some getting passed. He might be sorry he said it (coz it's caused a fuss) but did he still mean it? Those aren't words you can easily forget.

Have you always been his last priority? Sounds like the anniversary meant something to you but not much to him.

I cooked a very elaborate 3 course meal for him and his parents last week. We agreed no presents, though usually I do get him something. He wanted to cook tonight as he quite enjoys it.

So you wanted to go out and celebrate but he wanted to stay home because you both have a lot on, but actually he has been out a lot with mates etc, but you compromised and stayed home, then he pissed off to his parents and is annoyed because you weren't happy about that. What a selfish arsehole, and what he said about you and the baby, that is unforgivable.

That’s a very good summary @Deadringer and says it all.

over years I had a lot of heated discussions with my DH even with swearing but I couldn’t even imagine a comment like this about our unborn child.

One person isn’t really a large enough sample to draw that conclusion - all of my friends who became dads are fantastic partners.

His statement would be a deal-breaker for me. I would do exactly what he suggested, and also move on. No way would i trust him, nor want to have a child with him after what he said.

That was a really, really horrible thing for him to say. It sounds like you have to tread on eggshells around him.

You say vile.

I say unforgivable.

Hence LTB.

Let’s face it, this isn’t going to be a lasting relationship with behaviours the OP has described. She can either leave now or five years in the future after a lot more heartache.