To be sick of comments about the bidet

[Bidetdrama]

Dp is from a country where they use a bidet. Washing your bits after a number 2 seems to be viewed like a holy ritual by some over there, including his family.

Every time they visit UK or we visit them, there's obligatory comments and questions about the bidet and lack of it in this country. I've lost count of how many times I've been asked how we Brits keep ourselves clean without one and the grimacing faces and adjectives of disgust that inevitably follow. They basically imply we're all filthy and they're superior with their squeaky clean backsides.

At a family party last weekend his cousin came from another city. She and I got chatting and she was desperate to understand the ins and outs of British toilet hygiene. I almost felt like I was having to justify the UK's standard bathroom plumbing set up. Other family members I hadn't met before were intrigued and started gathering round to listen and comment. It was just so cringe.

I used to live in DPs country and used a bidet then so I know it's a very clean feeling. I usually have my call of nature just before my morning shower nowadays so I can still stay very clean. However, this isn't the sort of detail I want to discuss at length with DPs family!

I've said to DP I'm sick of the topic, he also gets asked about how he stays clean in the UK too. They seem obsessed with it though.

AIBU to be sick of this topic. How can I shut it down?

I do think that 'shataf' is an amazingly perfect descriptive name for it, especially in Scotland

I never quite understood bidets. How does a water jet get everything off? Is a cloth involved?

Just say: "Most Brits shower at least once, often twice a day; we're very clean please don't worry about that. How often do you shower?"

I think they need to be told every time they bring it up, ‘We don’t discuss private things like that.’ ‘Bathroom habits are not something that is discussed in polite conversation.’ ‘It’s not appropriate to ask private questions like that.’

Shut it down. This is one of the rare instances where you may have to come out and say, it is simply not polite to keep bringing up questions of how I go to the bathroom.’

It sounds like the entire family have a fetish. I would not discuss anything private with these people. Bizarre.

My dad is of Indian descent and he's insisted on a bidet in every bathroom my parents ever had, even where it had to be wedged in and actually impeded access to the toilet! Drives my mum mad!
Plus they are super expensive now they are out of fashion.
Just tell your relatives you can't afford one. It will make them feel exclusive that they have!

I don’t get that using water is any cleaner. It’s just spraying a bit of shit around. You need soap and a flannel really. Like when you wash your hands under a tap, it’s the motion of rubbing them together and the soup combined that actually gets rid of the bacteria. A bit of water is not much better than paper surely?

We have a bum gun, as do all my relatives. They're not hard to install.

They should be directing their questions to DH not you.

Do they ever ask him?

😂😂😂

Wiping with toilet paper is perfectly adequate to achieve an appropriate level of cleanliness and hygiene. I wash my hands with hot water and soap because I use my hands for touching things including my face, other people, food and food I'm preparing for other people etc. It requires a higher standard of cleanliness. If I was in any doubt about my personal hygiene I would probably shower before any intimacy.

Ask them what they're doing with their buttholes that they believe they require surgical levels of cleanliness at all times? Perhaps impromptu rimming is a regular part of their culture?

I live in Asia and the bum gun is installed most places and some great toilets with water jet and drying facilities built in. I can now appreciate why people feel much cleaner than using paper alone but it’s def impolite to bring it up and I think fine to point that gently out. It’s also fine to use paper as others have pointed out, it’s adequate.

I use soap. It's stopped my recurrent UTIs by bottle washing (I read about it online, tried it and not had a UTI since so I'm not stopping!)

Basically soap your bum hole and rinse with a decent amount of water so the water runs back not forward

Call me odd but I just don't understand how on earth you effectively wash your poopy bumhole with a jug. I mean all you can do is sort of lean forward and pour it down your crack, yes? so it gets you bumhole wet, but I don't see how it gets it clean (insufficient pressure). And then how do you dry it? The toilet paper would disintegrate if you were sopping wet. Or is there a special bumhole towel? And is there one for each individual's bumhole? Does one (yuk) carry it around with one?

I mean a bidet makes sense (reasonably forceful jet of water in the right direction, like a shower when you 'swoosh' yourself), but the jug thing just sounds a bit messy and disgusting to me...

Excellent reply. Just wrinkle your nose and say it's very rude to ask!

Just say in the UK it isn't considered good manners to talk about such things, end of.

And this!! How do you rinse so the water runs back, rather than a load of poopy water flowing into your foof? I mean I'm trying to visualise this in a toilet situation (so not completely naked in a shower) and I just can't. You'd have to be doing what my DD calls 'table pose', surely? baffled

I think I'll carry on just being disgusting and wiping my bum clean with paper, washing it in the morning and any time I think anyone might be about to confront it face-to-face!

I wish I had room for a bidet in my bathroom. I love them.

They sound extremely boring.

I'd issue a decree to the group chat: 'consider the bog chat finito. We've covered it several times in as much detail possible. You need to up your convo game.

There may actually be some truth in this

We inherited a bidet.
I didn’t use it for about a year but now I wouldn’t be without it.
And yes I have flannels, soap and specific towels that are only used with the bidet.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush you sit on the toilet. Sink your bum down (imagine bringing your knees up a bit and dropping your tailbone) and pour water from the front
It then runs off at the back and not forward as your bum is the lowest point

Can't believe I just typed that out but oh well

You're obviously someone who's never had piles or IBS. Lucky you.

Fit a shattaf, they’re easy to plumb in and so much more hygienic.

No they aren't and it isn't. We're not allowed to comment on other cultures.

This is why I could never poo at work, I like a shower after 🤣

That sounds very awkward and what happens away from home? Do you have to carry around a bum flannel and soap and how do you dry it?! Special bum towel?!