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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH didn't plan for DS's first day of school?

404 replies

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:33

DS starts school tomorrow.
DH works in IT for a large company with multiple offices across the country.
They put a new program in place over the weekend but discovered Monday it wasn't working properly.
DH is now claiming he might need to miss DS's first day to work to fix it.
I am annoyed, and he accused me of "minimising his job"

I pointed out that he has had months to book annual leave, there are more than just him and his team, and if my friends husband can make it back from army deployment for their child's first day, he can take the morning off work.
AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 15/08/2023 12:17

I meant a large class size *

UghStopSnoring · 15/08/2023 12:17

UghStopSnoring · 15/08/2023 12:16

D

Show quote history

Oops.

Did nobody have a job to go to? What a crazy thing to do. And what pressure for these kids to have the whole family wave them off on school grounds.

loulouljh · 15/08/2023 12:17

It may be best he is not there....may be a bigger deal if he is. I cannot even recall if my husband was there...was for one child but not the other I think. The staff are well trained to deal with first day nerves..

Happiestonthebeach · 15/08/2023 12:17

This wouldn't be on my radar as long as one of us could take dc.

Original poster
AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 12:18

But, I think you should have talked about all of this prior to this week if it was important to you.

We did talk. It's the new system not working that's caused the issues.

He's got two colleagues he could leave it to and rejoin them the next day. They are salaried and it's not a contract job with fines if it's late.

OP posts:
Twentypastfour · 15/08/2023 12:18

Help running after him as I struggle right now and he is a bolter
So I understand it’s more likely he’ll run away at the start of term than when he gets used to it, but is he really more likely to run on day 1 than day 2, 3, 4 etc?

I would say maybe 10% of families have both parents on the first day.

Isn’t it better for him to save his leave for when you’re about to give birth and can’t manage the school run (maybe) or when you have a small baby?

GangleLoper · 15/08/2023 12:19

Unless he’s the teacher what does it matter?

Original poster
AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 12:19

lunaalice · 15/08/2023 11:49

Lol they can't book a day off during conflict or training when they feel like it.

That just didn't happen.

IIRC he volunteered for an earlier tour that finished right when they need to to.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 15/08/2023 12:19

I still think your DH should come with you for support, mine comes with me sometimes especially to medical appointments as they're so mentally draining.
But other posters have mentioned putting other measures in place for when he can not attend with you.
We use this company for our sons SEN pushchair, they have a big range of single and double pushchairs for siblings and harnesses/reigns.

https://freedomforkids.co.uk/

Freedom For Kids – Dedicated to helping families with disabled children

https://freedomforkids.co.uk

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2023 12:19

3luckystars · 15/08/2023 12:10

I thought all first semesters started in September, even in Europe and the USA. Apologies. I must be a bit thick!!

What about colleges and universities? why did I think they all started in September?

I’m in Ireland and the last few years they have been edging more and more in to August, which I think is lousy, but the 15th of August, it’s still summer!

Schools finish mid June In Scotland going back in August isn't unusual. When mine were in school it would have been next week,but I think there has been a week added onto a later holiday.

Blossomingtree · 15/08/2023 12:19

I would be upset too. It's an important milestone, even more so for you and your situation. I really don't understand the mumsnet responses sometimes. There are key things you remember from your children's lives, starting school is one of them. Granted, you don't have to book the whole day off etc but I would assume both parents would want to be there for drop off and not miss it.

BlastedIce · 15/08/2023 12:20

Goshdarnitgoofy · 15/08/2023 12:10

I’ll go against the grain and say I agree with you.

Both me and my husband have booked the day off for my sons first day tomorrow. In fact, we have other families coming to wave him off too. Also - don’t kids finish at mid day on the first day? My son does so we are doing a family lunch to celebrate.

🤦‍♀️

Poor kid, what an audience, how’s he going to feel if he’s a bit overwhelmed (like he will be with lots of family there) and gets upset?

I think this is really not thinking of the child and thinking of the “instagram” story.

amusedbush · 15/08/2023 12:20

3luckystars · 15/08/2023 12:10

I thought all first semesters started in September, even in Europe and the USA. Apologies. I must be a bit thick!!

What about colleges and universities? why did I think they all started in September?

I’m in Ireland and the last few years they have been edging more and more in to August, which I think is lousy, but the 15th of August, it’s still summer!

I work in an FE college in Scotland and the students are in having their inductions this week, then classes start on Monday. I worked in universities for years before this, though - they all start in September.

Our schools always finish up in June and go back in mid-August. My parents would always get cheap holidays in June by flying from Newcastle instead of Edinburgh/Glasgow 😅Although I remember being most indignant that the decent kids' TV programmes didn't start until the English schools broke up in July 😂

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2023 12:20

Scottish universities start in September

neverbeenskiing · 15/08/2023 12:21

My DS (also ND) starts school in September. DH and I will both be at work on his first day. I work TTO so annual leave isn't an option, and DH has a big once a year event he can't get out of. My DM is taking DS. I refuse to feel guilty for working to provide for my DC and I don't want DH to either, I don't think it makes us bad parents.

Autumnsoon · 15/08/2023 12:21

I had 4 kids go to school
this really isn’t a thing at all
way OTT

somersaultinsand · 15/08/2023 12:21

Doesn't he have transport in place? That's normal in Scottish asn schools ime. Much as I wanted to see my autistic DD in on first day the recommendation was to start the normal routine from day 1. And it was harder for me than her! The escorts and drivers are usually experienced and fantastic at just getting on with it and calming them.

Traxz · 15/08/2023 12:23

CelestiaNoctis · 15/08/2023 12:14

My dad worked abroad a lot throughout my entire childhood. He missed my first day of school and I still remember it. I had a little corkboard in my room growing up and for a long time I had the letter he wrote me about my first day (as if that would make up for it). It hurts when your father prioritises their job over you when it can be avoided. Also you can say ok they're working and you need money etc etc but children don't understand that, they just remember you weren't there.

Its only a big deal if the adults make it so.

I really cannot remember my first day at school, i would have been 4? coming up to 5

Goldbar · 15/08/2023 12:23

I'm with you. Maybe you're being a little unreasonable on this occasion, but the impression I get is that your family and supporting you is not a priority for your DH compared to his work and this is just one instance of it.

My H took a morning off for our older DC when he started school... they had a play morning and the parents were allowed to stay for a bit before the kids went in.

It's the same sort of thing as prioritising non-urgent work meetings on holiday 😡. I'm currently royally pissed off at my H because he spent around 10 hours on work calls last week when we were on holiday and it has since turned out that the matter was entirely non-urgent and just something that he was interested in (and fancied giving his view on 😡). I think men often say work commitments are 'urgent' or they have to do this or that, whereas actually if they pushed back it would be fine. They get away with it because usually they manage to wriggle out of being the default parent. So while my H was basking in the glory of being appreciated for his input and saying "no no, no trouble at all to join", muggins here was wrangling two small, overexcited, overheated children on the beach and in the swimming-pool.

Cowlover89 · 15/08/2023 12:25

Yanbu

DuckyLuck · 15/08/2023 12:26

I'm an IT PM and completely understand the importance of your husband having to be there in those circumstances, just really unfortunate timing.

yogasaurus · 15/08/2023 12:26

DH wasn’t at DC’s first day of school, he didn’t have the day off, plus it was also better to make it low-fuss, we found

Chris002 · 15/08/2023 12:26

Sometimes priorities at work have to come first he is obviously important to his team - to get this software problem fixed.

Original poster
AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 12:26

somersaultinsand · 15/08/2023 12:21

Doesn't he have transport in place? That's normal in Scottish asn schools ime. Much as I wanted to see my autistic DD in on first day the recommendation was to start the normal routine from day 1. And it was harder for me than her! The escorts and drivers are usually experienced and fantastic at just getting on with it and calming them.

In theory he's getting transport but for issues that I'm not going into it won't actually be in place until day 2.

OP posts:
Scarlettpixie · 15/08/2023 12:26

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 12:08

Help running after him as I struggle right now and he is a bolter

As for booking annual leave, that's only because Wednesday is normally field based with a 7 am start. Due to the commuting distance, it wouldn't be possible to start late.

Show quote history

But what are you going to do the next day and the day after if your DS runs off? Your DH won’t be there then (presumably).

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