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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH didn't plan for DS's first day of school?

404 replies

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:33

DS starts school tomorrow.
DH works in IT for a large company with multiple offices across the country.
They put a new program in place over the weekend but discovered Monday it wasn't working properly.
DH is now claiming he might need to miss DS's first day to work to fix it.
I am annoyed, and he accused me of "minimising his job"

I pointed out that he has had months to book annual leave, there are more than just him and his team, and if my friends husband can make it back from army deployment for their child's first day, he can take the morning off work.
AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
otherwayup · 15/08/2023 11:53

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:39

Too much of a drip feed, DS is autistic, and we have to fight to get him his place in the specialist school.
It is a major milestone for him, we do not know how he will cope and being heavily pregnant I could use DHs help

Even more reason to not take dh!
Staff will be highly skilled at supporting your ds, believe me, a classroom full of extra adults at specialist school is massively unhelpful.

Sirzy · 15/08/2023 11:53

I think the fact he is autistic makes it all the more important to start as you mean to go on. Turning the first day into a big thing is more likely to make things harder all around

CattingAbout · 15/08/2023 11:53

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/08/2023 11:46

I know it would be nice, and ideal if he's there but I'm afraid I'm also in the YABU camp. Can you help DS prepare by practising what a school morning is like? Get him up, dressed, fed, practise the routine basically up to and including leaving the house and walking / driving to school. Get right to the gate and explain what will happen then. Lovely teachers will come out and meet him etc. Presumably the school have given you some info about the first day as far as how long you stay etc? SN teachers are v v experienced at this and will be far better able to manage any difficulties. If you are both there you may react differently and confuse your DS.

Agree with this - I have an autistic DC and (though obviously all autistic DC are different) you do risk him thinking you'll both be there to drop him off every day if you start out like that on day 1.
It being a specialist school, have the school given you any pointers as to how dropoffs will work?

PARunnerGirl · 15/08/2023 11:54

3luckystars · 15/08/2023 11:42

Fair enough you actually needed him there but if he has to work, he has to work.

Where in the name of God are you if school is starting tomorrow and it’s not even half way through August?

“Where in the name of God?” 😭😆 This reminded me of the Shocked English Couple on the couch in the old Catherine Tate sketches 😆

God’s country itself, m’dear. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿💙

LadyOfTheCanyon · 15/08/2023 11:55

My H works in IT and regularly has to work through the night/ be on standby/ cover shifts. You'd be the first person moaning if you didn't have Wi-Fi ( for example) because the IT person had dropped their kid to school I presume? It's not something ( even in a large company) that can be accurately allowed for.

Is there someone else who can help you if it's a case of physically wrangling your C rather than just being there because it's nice?

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 11:55

If you can't cope on the first day how will you cope when you have a baby and trying to get to the school with other child?

3luckystars · 15/08/2023 11:55

😂

SirenSays · 15/08/2023 11:55

I don't think yabu for feeling disappointed, even without the drip feed. It can be nice thing to do together, especially if he's had a while to book a bit of time off.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2023 11:59

Honestly the teachers will help you get him in if you are struggling , your husband can't just leave his job when he needs to be there to fix something, yanbu to be upset if you were expecting him to be there but don't keep on about it the only person you are upsetting is yourself.

MrsMarzetti · 15/08/2023 11:59

Life does not stop because your child is starting school. You are way way way overthinking this.

CynicalCake · 15/08/2023 12:01

This is a new routine for your son right? So best to start with the routine that will happen every day rather than x happening day 1, y happening day 2, z happening day 3. Continuous small changes, like dad being there one day as part of the school routine but not the next has a much bigger chance of increasing anxiety around school.

Yes, DC here are ASD

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2023 12:01

PARunnerGirl · 15/08/2023 11:54

“Where in the name of God?” 😭😆 This reminded me of the Shocked English Couple on the couch in the old Catherine Tate sketches 😆

God’s country itself, m’dear. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿💙

Show quote history

I mean there is life outside the home counties who woulda thought 😂

ManateeFair · 15/08/2023 12:01

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:39

Too much of a drip feed, DS is autistic, and we have to fight to get him his place in the specialist school.
It is a major milestone for him, we do not know how he will cope and being heavily pregnant I could use DHs help

Help with what? Do you mean physically carrying your DS into the building if he has a meltdown? Because otherwise I really can't see why both of you need to be there, regardless of whether you're pregnant and regardless of your son's autism.

Your DS is going to a specialist school where they will be very used to children having meltdowns and struggling with changes in routine. They will help you get him through the door if necessary, I'm sure.

If you mean you need your DH's emotional support, then you're being very OTT about this. I'm pretty sure many, many parents have a good old cry when they drop their child at school for the first time and of course it's a huge milestone, but you don't need your DH there.

Tiddlywinks63 · 15/08/2023 12:02

Crikey, I accept it’s a big milestone on your dc’s life but I had no idea that parents take a day’s leave for it 😳
I would imagine the less fuss and palaver the better, you’re going to be dropping off your DC(s) for years to come and I’m sure you’ll manage, most parents do!

Toddlerteaplease · 15/08/2023 12:02

3luckystars · 15/08/2023 11:42

Fair enough you actually needed him there but if he has to work, he has to work.

Where in the name of God are you if school is starting tomorrow and it’s not even half way through August?

Scotland start earlier. And when I was a kid, Leicester did too.

SallyWD · 15/08/2023 12:02

Honestly I had no idea people took annual leave for their child's first day at school! We didn't. I think you're being pretty harsh on him to be honest.

SoSad44 · 15/08/2023 12:03

YABU - he has to work!
nobody I know takes annual leave for it.

coreas · 15/08/2023 12:05

Where in the name of God are you if school is starting tomorrow and it’s not even half way through August?

I think it's safe to assume not the same country as you? I don't know why that's such a stretch for you?

I'm in Scotland and our schools went back today. DD is also in Scotland and hers go back next week.

StripyHorse · 15/08/2023 12:07

PensionPuzzle · 15/08/2023 11:36

I'm missing my DD's first day, I'm a teacher so no annual leave, what would you say to me about that? And all the other children who won't have both parents waving them off and making a big fuss about something which would be much better done low-key anyway?

I missed DD2's first day in reception because I was starting my PGCE. DH took her to school. I took her to school nursery for the first time without DH. She's 13 now and it doesn't seem to have left any lasting damage.

SuperSue77 · 15/08/2023 12:07

The drip feed convinced me and I’d want my husband there for moral (and physical given she is heavily pregnant) support too. I hope he can take the time to be there for you.

ManateeFair · 15/08/2023 12:07

Where in the name of God are you if school is starting tomorrow and it’s not even half way through August?

You know that England is not the only country in the UK, and the UK is not the only country in the world, don't you?

FYI in Scotland schools generally go back mid-August.

Peskytooth · 15/08/2023 12:07

Honestly, I’ve read your second post and it will be fine, if he has trouble going in, it’s not going to be limited to the first day and you can’t expect your husband to keep taking days off. The teacher and other staff will help you. I get that the autism is likely severe if he’s already been diagnosed.

PickledPurplePickle · 15/08/2023 12:08

I suspect even if he had booked leave, if there is a disaster at work, he will probably need to go in

Original poster
AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 12:08

YourNameGoesHere · 15/08/2023 11:40

Even with the drip feed I still don't think it's a huge deal. Honestly whilst lovely if he can do the drop off with you it's not the end of the world if he can't, sometimes things happen and taking annual leave for it sounds bonkers.

Help running after him as I struggle right now and he is a bolter

As for booking annual leave, that's only because Wednesday is normally field based with a 7 am start. Due to the commuting distance, it wouldn't be possible to start late.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 15/08/2023 12:09

My son starts a new school next week, in a new country and in a different language, I won’t even be in the same country as him, nevermind taking him to school. His Papa will be on the way to nursery, so he’ll walk himself there. It’s school, not his wedding day.

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