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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH didn't plan for DS's first day of school?

404 replies

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:33

DS starts school tomorrow.
DH works in IT for a large company with multiple offices across the country.
They put a new program in place over the weekend but discovered Monday it wasn't working properly.
DH is now claiming he might need to miss DS's first day to work to fix it.
I am annoyed, and he accused me of "minimising his job"

I pointed out that he has had months to book annual leave, there are more than just him and his team, and if my friends husband can make it back from army deployment for their child's first day, he can take the morning off work.
AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Musicaltheatremum · 17/08/2023 08:11

I'm glad his first day went ok and I hope the rest do too. I can understand you wanted support and were annoyed your DH hadn't taken annual leave although obviously sounds as though this has been cancelled. You've had a challenging time getting his diagnosis and support so understand why you were so concerned about it. Hope baby number 2 goes well and hope the IT glitch is sorted. If it's the NHS one I know on Monday/ Tuesday it was awful!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/08/2023 08:21

Surely better for your ds not to make such a big deal of it? I do realise it’s a very big deal for you, but probably less stress for him if it’s kept low key?

hoophoophooray · 17/08/2023 08:23

I booked a day off for my youngests first day, mostly because she was only in 9-12. Work emergency arose about 10am and she ended up being collected by a friend as I went in to help deal. She is now 10 and still fondly remembers the day that Aunty Lauren collected her and took her for hot chocolate at Costa...

I appreciate that ASD complicates this but genuine work emergencies are a thing

SunsetCurtain · 17/08/2023 08:28

I've missed the boat on this one but just in case anyone is reading - as a Nanny who has done dozens of First Day at School drop offs; children tend to find the whole thing a lot less stressful the less fuss and pomp is made. Both parents doing drop off often makes it twice as hard for the child to go in.

BashfulClam · 17/08/2023 08:31

3luckystars · 15/08/2023 11:42

Fair enough you actually needed him there but if he has to work, he has to work.

Where in the name of God are you if school is starting tomorrow and it’s not even half way through August?

School in Scotland goes back this week. We finish at the end of June.

JanieEyre · 17/08/2023 09:01

TrishM80 · 17/08/2023 03:30

Some amount of fucking drama queens on this thread who think the husband should have booked a day off for the kid's first day in school! 😂

Get a grip!

Even greater amount who haven't bothered to read OP's posts before posting.

HollieHobbie · 17/08/2023 09:12

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:39

Too much of a drip feed, DS is autistic, and we have to fight to get him his place in the specialist school.
It is a major milestone for him, we do not know how he will cope and being heavily pregnant I could use DHs help

Always a drip feed when it doesn't go quite the way the OP hopes. 🤣

Puffalicious · 17/08/2023 10:09

BlastedIce · 17/08/2023 06:14

It’s a tradition?

I agree it’s a performance!

Show quote history

Yes. See my previous post. In much of Scotland it is, possibly other places too? Ireland anyone? My friend in Derry is similar. I'll admit I kind of presumed it was elsewhere, as I think OP did when posting. Clearly it's not, which is fine, but people are a bit hysterical over the fact that some areas do things differently. I'm sure there are many traditions/ practises elsewhere I'd find unusual.

I'll reiterate that yesterday 3 members of staff- male & female- (I'm a secondary teacher) started an hour later so they could take their children to their first day at school. Lovely photos of littlies in blazers were then later shared in the staff-room. I also went in a touch later as DS3 has ASN & my HTeacher knows how tough transitions are and he's a good human being. These little things pay forward a hundred-fold as when he next needs a hand folk go out of their way to help. In fact, I was told to take the whole day off when DS3 started school 6 years ago- I remember that kindness.

There's no need to mock or be outraged everyone.

Original poster
AttackCherubim · 17/08/2023 10:31

@Musicaltheatremum it's not. But that sounds like it's possibly on a similar scale of issue to what's happened in his company - ie it's not just a case of rolling it back but individual fixes for all users.

I think initially he was blaming himself for causing the issue (it wasn't his fault and his boss stated as much) and therefore felt it was his to fix.

When it didn't look as serious as it turned out to be then the rest of his core team were more than capable of handing it.
It's only when the scale became more apparent that everyone was called in.

But to everyone else I wasn't annoyed he had to work in the end, I was annoyed he didn't book it in the first place.

Cancelled leave I can cope with, forgetting to even book it is another thing entirely.

OP posts:
Original poster
AttackCherubim · 17/08/2023 10:33

Oh and DS skipped out the door quite the thing to the taxi.

I think he's quickly connected the fact that uniform means school.

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 17/08/2023 10:46

AttackCherubim · 17/08/2023 10:33

Oh and DS skipped out the door quite the thing to the taxi.

I think he's quickly connected the fact that uniform means school.

Brilliant OP. I'm so glad for you both. 6 years in and my DS with ASD still loves school.

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy.

Coffeeismyfriend1 · 17/08/2023 11:08

PensionPuzzle · 15/08/2023 11:36

I'm missing my DD's first day, I'm a teacher so no annual leave, what would you say to me about that? And all the other children who won't have both parents waving them off and making a big fuss about something which would be much better done low-key anyway?

Same. DH does school drop offs as he is able to start work at 10am( nursing shifts). As I have to be at school (12 miles away) by 8.35 to register my own tutor group and drop off for DS is 8.40-8.50. When DS started school DH fixed his shifts so he could be there to do morning drop offs. From my experience it is unusual for both parents to be there.

Original poster
AttackCherubim · 17/08/2023 11:08

Thanks @Puffalicious.

Thankfully we d
Won't have to worry about hols/sick days for DS for his whole first year as I don't finish Mat leave till the end of next years summer hols 😁

OP posts:
Takeabreather23 · 17/08/2023 11:59

@3luckystars she in bonnie Scotland 😊

lunaalice · 17/08/2023 12:30

It's perfectly normal for both parents to attend. My school is full of both the parents attending EVERYTHING. It wasn't so much in Dd13 year but DD11 I felt the off one out and it annoyed me but I think it's usual?

Itsallsostressful · 17/08/2023 12:33

I think far too much is made of 1st day at school... jammies, balloons and all that. To me it makes it too much of a big deal.

Shona52 · 17/08/2023 13:37

AttackCherubim · 17/08/2023 10:33

Oh and DS skipped out the door quite the thing to the taxi.

I think he's quickly connected the fact that uniform means school.

That’s great to hear. A positive start for you all and hope it remains so.

UsingChangeofName · 17/08/2023 14:52

SunsetCurtain · 17/08/2023 08:28

I've missed the boat on this one but just in case anyone is reading - as a Nanny who has done dozens of First Day at School drop offs; children tend to find the whole thing a lot less stressful the less fuss and pomp is made. Both parents doing drop off often makes it twice as hard for the child to go in.

This , 100%

Your hubby won't ever remember that he had to work to sort out an issue however he will always remember he missed out on first day of school
Grin Grin Grin
Though I really wish I could do the rolling around laughing faces.
Seriously.
He won't.
Nor will the dc.

Grammarnut · 17/08/2023 15:47

AttackCherubim · 17/08/2023 10:31

@Musicaltheatremum it's not. But that sounds like it's possibly on a similar scale of issue to what's happened in his company - ie it's not just a case of rolling it back but individual fixes for all users.

I think initially he was blaming himself for causing the issue (it wasn't his fault and his boss stated as much) and therefore felt it was his to fix.

When it didn't look as serious as it turned out to be then the rest of his core team were more than capable of handing it.
It's only when the scale became more apparent that everyone was called in.

But to everyone else I wasn't annoyed he had to work in the end, I was annoyed he didn't book it in the first place.

Cancelled leave I can cope with, forgetting to even book it is another thing entirely.

I actually do not understand why DH has to be at the first day of school, even though your DS is autistic and you are pregnant. He does have to work and it's not that important. Most children won't remember it, or only vaguely recall what happened.

Notwiththebullshizz · 17/08/2023 18:57

It obviously means a great deal to you and your feelings are hurt because you dont feel it means as much to your partner. I'm sure your childs safety and transition on his 1st day is incredibly important to your partner too, however, especially with it being a specialist school, they will have teachers and support workers on hand to transition all children who are having a hard time with the new adjustments. I'm sure you're proud of what your child has overcame and achieved so far and no doubt, your partner too but I also agree it's perhaps not something I'd argue over, in the grand scheme of things and the likelihood that you've got far more on your plates to be stressed and arguing about with a SEN kid at home.

CKMc2b · 18/08/2023 01:14

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:39

Too much of a drip feed, DS is autistic, and we have to fight to get him his place in the specialist school.
It is a major milestone for him, we do not know how he will cope and being heavily pregnant I could use DHs help

This was vital information to your question. Obviously it's a special case due to these factors. Did you ask him to take a half day off?

larlypops · 18/08/2023 06:57

I went straight to work after, you’re not allowed in the classroom majority of the time because it overwhelms the children. Just get a picture, drop and go.

DaNcInGtEqUiLaCaT · 18/08/2023 22:14

The staff at school will help you, no need to worry at all.

NoTouch · 19/08/2023 13:31

AttackCherubim · 16/08/2023 21:18

I'm actually the suspected autistic one (in the queue of adult assessment)

Anyhoo, the first day was drama free. I was at the door with him. And he went straight in no bother.

Show quote history

I always feel it is the moments you make low key and let them flourish themselves, give them the chance to surprise you, that are the most memorable. You must have been so proud of him just going in.

Glad to hear it went ok, hope the rest of the week did too.

Tessa92 · 20/08/2023 09:13

My husband and I were both teachers so in the same situation x2. Also no chance of taking a day off for children’s birthdays/parties etc etc unless they fell in school holidays.