To be annoyed that DH didn't plan for DS's first day of school?

[AttackCherubim]

DS starts school tomorrow.
DH works in IT for a large company with multiple offices across the country.
They put a new program in place over the weekend but discovered Monday it wasn't working properly.
DH is now claiming he might need to miss DS's first day to work to fix it.
I am annoyed, and he accused me of "minimising his job"

I pointed out that he has had months to book annual leave, there are more than just him and his team, and if my friends husband can make it back from army deployment for their child's first day, he can take the morning off work.
AIBU to be annoyed?

I think YABU, even with the dripfeed. Actually, with many SEN children, routine is key. So unless DH is going to go with you every morning, it is best to start as you mean to go on. Also, the staff are highly trained and will expect challenges on day 1 and will be prepared to support you both.
I hope he has a lovely first day :)

Neither of us were there for DS2's first day of special school, I just put him on the school bus. To accompany him there at that time in the morning, I'd have had to book a fairly expensive taxi and we were on low income.

Yabu.

It's a work emergency. That's annoying but part of working life. People cope and so will you.

Making a big deal out of tomorrow is just putting pressure on yourself and your DS, when actually you both need it to be as calm and normal as possible. This is the start of your DS's new routine, so make it feel low stress.

Has your son seen the school already or had any settling in time? Does he have a way of understanding what will happen tomorrow (a social story, a flow chart, etc?)?

How do you normally cope with the challenges you might face tomorrow? You say he bolts - what do you normally do if he tries that in public? Do that. If he gets upset and wants to come home, just do what you'd normally do in that situation.

Where in the name of God are you if school is starting tomorrow and it’s not even half way through August?
Why do ppl comment like this? England isn't the only country in the world 🙄

He only needs to go in a wee bit later.

I mean its photo at the front door and then school run plus 15 minutes of hanging around the school hall at the most.

If he will have transport for day two I'd honestly just wait an extra day for him to start. Isn't it going to be much more confusing for him to do things one way on day one and then having to get transport from day 2?

Agreed!

That's completely different. I sympathise. However he couldn't know this problem would arise and he really will need to fix it.

YABU. Sounds like a bit of an emergency situation at work and he is being responsible by going in.

First days at school really aren’t a big deal.

Mind boggles. And even stranger the same seems to apply when starting secondary school! Thankfully by that point we had arrangement for me to take DS to the door and straight in before everyone else (he does the breakfast club in school to avoid crowds) so I could quickly get away from the madness.

locally at least first day at school seems to have been turned into an Instagram moment rather than a get the children settled quickly and easy moment.

You are literally minimising his job. I’d be so irritated by this if I was your husband - I’m sure he’d rather be there as well but sometimes the job that’s bringing money into the house is important. Your son won’t remember but he will know if there’s a horrible atmosphere in the house around his first day and mummy and daddy are arguing.

Poor kid, what an audience, how’s he going to feel if he’s a bit overwhelmed (like he will be with lots of family there) and gets upset?

And what about all the other children, having to make their way in past crowds of complete strangers? All those extra adult-size people could be quite intimidating to a 4/5yo.

And the teacher who has to settle the class after all this performance?

then surely you'll need him tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that....

As someone who works in IT, if there is a business-critical system failure that needs remedied, annual leave probably wouldn't have made a difference - I've been called in from AL / over weekends in the past if there's something that needs fixed, especially if it's for a client.

It's not ideal, but I do get paid quite a lot of money to do my job and it's my reality (it also doesn't happen very often, to be fair).

I think it's just unfortunate timing. I appreciate it's disappointing, but as PPs have said, if it's a specialist school, presumably there will be experienced staff there who will be anticipating any issues and will help you out?

My friends DS is autistic and ADHD.

She's a single mum, father is involved barely,

But she has that first day every single day, every single day he fights going to school. But she continues to do it every single day.

I'm missing my sons first day at secondary school this year because I'm on a 13 hour day shift, I feel shit about it. But DS will be fine

Nope, my sons school appreciates what a hassle half days or early finishes (say at the end of term) are for working parents, and doesn't do any ever.

I'm unfortunately not surprised to hear about issue with transport, it's usually the council messing around with the contracts at this time of year to save on budgets, but does settle down. You will be ok, I really do understand your worry but just get him in the door, leave then try to do something nice to take your mind off it. You've done amazingly to get him a place, I remember that process all too well and now that he's in the staff will be fantastic at settling the new kids.

"In the name of God" - is there any need for that? 😡

@3luckystars “… it’s still summer!”

Not here. That finished in 1976 and we haven’t seen it since. 😁

I feel like you've missed the most important information out of the OP and then only added it later once people didn't agree with you. Seems odd.

Does your child have no one to take him or are are you saying you’re annoyed that your husband won’t be there with you?

if it’s the latter I don’t remember my partner being there for either of my children’s first day and I don’t remember it even being ‘a thing’ 🤔

TBH, the parents who turn up and make a huge song and dance about the first day, are MUCH more likely to have the kids who scream and kick off.

You've got a much better chance of a smooth transition with the main caregiver doing a quick "Have a lovely day! See you later! Bye!" and leaving.

If you are the parent who is going to be doing the majority of school drop-offs OP, then starting as you mean to go on is a wise move.

Speaking here as a 15+ year Reception class teacher. :)

YABU.

I work in primary and having millions of parents, grandparents, extended family members milling around taking photos and trying to film DCs first day at school is a nightmare, makes it so much harder for EYFS staff to get the children in quickly and calmly, and makes it much more likely that DCs will get upset.

Much better for parents to just be matter-of-fact about it, hand over DC with a cheery goodbye and disappear so that staff can get on with the settling-in process.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for one parent to do drop-off while the other works. If you DH goes on to make a practice of missing assemblies, school events, Christmas plays, sports days and events your DC would like him to be there for, then you would be right to be upset with him.

Since I work in schools I missed both my DDs first days of school because I was welcoming my own classes at the time. I've also missed a lot of their school events I would like to have attended. But that's the deal. They're 18 and 16 now, they're not carrying any grudges about it!

When did both parents at the school gate on first day ever become a thing?
I guess for many people it's about the selfies and social media bs.

If he will have transport day 2 onwards I’d just start him day 2. Let school know. He’s autistic it will be confusing if you take day 1. You can’t safely get him there day 1.