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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH didn't plan for DS's first day of school?

404 replies

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:33

DS starts school tomorrow.
DH works in IT for a large company with multiple offices across the country.
They put a new program in place over the weekend but discovered Monday it wasn't working properly.
DH is now claiming he might need to miss DS's first day to work to fix it.
I am annoyed, and he accused me of "minimising his job"

I pointed out that he has had months to book annual leave, there are more than just him and his team, and if my friends husband can make it back from army deployment for their child's first day, he can take the morning off work.
AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
coreas · 15/08/2023 11:42

I do think it's different with the drip as it's a massive change and new routine for the DS so having help there would make it easier for OP.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2023 11:42

I’m a teacher so missed my DC’s first day. You literally walk up to the door and they walk in-having both of you there might make it more of a ‘thing’ that it needs to be.

Seeline · 15/08/2023 11:42

Honestly the fewer parents the better.
Don't make a big fuss and the kids will be far less stressed and nervous and hopefully go off quite happy.
It's really not a big deal

TomatoSandwiches · 15/08/2023 11:43

We have to use a special needs pushchair for our DS ( ASD ) with a secure harness because he will if allowed to be unrestrained get out and bolt.
If he had a meltdown walking I wouldn't be able to pick him up alone anymore.

So op is not being unreasonable to need a bit of help, not at all.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/08/2023 11:43

Oh god that’s a huge drip feed!

If you actually need his help that’s another thing. But presumably he won’t be there every day?

So again, wouldn’t it be better for your DS to have his routine start from the first day, and to know that it’s not the routine for dad to be there?

BigMamaFratelli · 15/08/2023 11:43

Yeah YABU. Sorry. Genuine question - why do you want him to be there? For you or for your ds?

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 11:43

We both took our child to school on the first day then both went to work, sure its nice to be there but I would not be upset about it if not

Shantotto · 15/08/2023 11:45

3luckystars · 15/08/2023 11:42

Fair enough you actually needed him there but if he has to work, he has to work.

Where in the name of God are you if school is starting tomorrow and it’s not even half way through August?

Scotland!

LubaLuca · 15/08/2023 11:46

My husband wasn't there for any of these 'milestones', he had to work and he knew I was more than capable of and very happy to do these things without him. I reported back to him if there was anything he'd need to know.

It didn't mean he wasn't interested, just that sometimes you have to prioritise work over doubling up on parent presence.

HarrietJet · 15/08/2023 11:46

TomatoSandwiches · 15/08/2023 11:43

We have to use a special needs pushchair for our DS ( ASD ) with a secure harness because he will if allowed to be unrestrained get out and bolt.
If he had a meltdown walking I wouldn't be able to pick him up alone anymore.

So op is not being unreasonable to need a bit of help, not at all.

But he'll be going every day, not just the first day 🤷🏻‍♀️

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/08/2023 11:46

I know it would be nice, and ideal if he's there but I'm afraid I'm also in the YABU camp. Can you help DS prepare by practising what a school morning is like? Get him up, dressed, fed, practise the routine basically up to and including leaving the house and walking / driving to school. Get right to the gate and explain what will happen then. Lovely teachers will come out and meet him etc. Presumably the school have given you some info about the first day as far as how long you stay etc? SN teachers are v v experienced at this and will be far better able to manage any difficulties. If you are both there you may react differently and confuse your DS.

LolaSmiles · 15/08/2023 11:46

Even with the drip feed I think you're being a little unreasonable.

There's a danger that adults making a big deal of the first day of school sends the message to the children that this is a big deal, which only increases the likelihood of any stress or anxiety behaviours.

There's staff on hand at school and your DH could probably do some flexi to start later that morning if it looks like you need some help.

Expecting people to take a half day annual leave or full day leave because it's the first day of school is excessive in my opinion.

kayd90 · 15/08/2023 11:46

My dh didn't take the day off for our dds first day at school. He saw her in the morning before work obviously. But honestly I didn't expect him to take the day off.

CattingAbout · 15/08/2023 11:46

if my friends husband can make it back from army deployment for their child's first day, he can take the morning off work

YABU for throwing this into the argument OP - I'm not military but my may of DCs classmates' parents are, this seems like the exception rather than the norm.

Ohthatsabitshit · 15/08/2023 11:47

i don’t think it’s necessary or even desirable for him to drop off/pick up if he isn’t normally there. Take a snack for pick up and have the most loved food and a bath before bed. Day 3 and 4 tend to be more problematic.

Hoppinggreen · 15/08/2023 11:47

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:39

Too much of a drip feed, DS is autistic, and we have to fight to get him his place in the specialist school.
It is a major milestone for him, we do not know how he will cope and being heavily pregnant I could use DHs help

You should have started with that, a lot of people will just read the OP and tell you you are being unreasonable (and probably far worse).

TomatoSandwiches · 15/08/2023 11:48

HarrietJet · 15/08/2023 11:46

But he'll be going every day, not just the first day 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Would you not want some support for the first day yourself?
It's easier to cope even mentally if you have a bit of support the first time you do something, the next day she will have an expectation of how it will go and can make a plan based on that.
She's not asking for much as a heavily pregnant mum.

IveHadItUpToHere · 15/08/2023 11:49

I understand why you're stressed and upset about it. Despite the PPs, most parents are there for DCs' first days and yy it's usually both parents. It's a rite of passage and there are DCs who get upset/tantrum, etc. I can completely see why you want him to help with that when you're heavily pregnant. But, I think you should have talked about all of this prior to this week if it was important to you. He doesn't need a full day off to be there to support you and DS.
Is there a backstory of you and DS feeling unsupported by him?

Amethys · 15/08/2023 11:49

Er, what?

It never occurred to either DH or I that he should come to school on DC’s first day. He was at work.

YABU!

lunaalice · 15/08/2023 11:49

Lol they can't book a day off during conflict or training when they feel like it.

That just didn't happen.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/08/2023 11:50

The less people there the better, dont make a big deal of it and I am sure it will help your ds.

Mariposista · 15/08/2023 11:50

Spendonsend · 15/08/2023 11:41

This isnt a big deal. Its cute for the parent to see but its better to save annual leave for things important to your child.

This.
I think my grandparents took me on my first day (a fact that I love now that they’re both gone).

otherwayup · 15/08/2023 11:51

I worked in F2/reception for years.

It's an absolute nightmare for staff when multiple people turn up for a child's first day and even worse for the children!

Say it's a class of 25? That's 50 adults plus siblings and worst case scenario grandparents too 🤦🏻‍♀️
It makes it so unnecessarily stressful for everyone.
Please don't turn the day into an occasion op, you're really not doing your dc any favours. Just drop them off swiftly, bright and breezy, job done.

CallistaFlockfart · 15/08/2023 11:51

TVstolemyevenings · 15/08/2023 11:38

Trust me you will want him to save his annual leave for school holidays/sick days etc.

Do you work? Because if your household is relying on his income then he is absolutely right to prioritise that.

Also I’ve put four kids though school and there has only ever been one person present on their first day and one year it was a grandparent. Tbh the less fuss the better for the child as otherwise they can really struggle with feeling overwhelmed by it all

So YABU and a bit PFB so give your DH a break.

^^ this.
You don't need both parents there on your DC first day. Take a photo in uniform just before you leave home.

WeightoftheWorld · 15/08/2023 11:52

I'm not going to be around for my DD's first day of school. I'm on site at work doing interviews for my junior all morning so will have left the house before she leaves for school. DH works part time so is off that day anyway and will always be doing drop offs and pick ups that day. Can't see why I would be needed on top and anyway I can't be there because of my work commitments. Not a big deal.