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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH didn't plan for DS's first day of school?

404 replies

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:33

DS starts school tomorrow.
DH works in IT for a large company with multiple offices across the country.
They put a new program in place over the weekend but discovered Monday it wasn't working properly.
DH is now claiming he might need to miss DS's first day to work to fix it.
I am annoyed, and he accused me of "minimising his job"

I pointed out that he has had months to book annual leave, there are more than just him and his team, and if my friends husband can make it back from army deployment for their child's first day, he can take the morning off work.
AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 15/08/2023 15:57

Because booking a whole day off for a 20mns at most event I'd a waste of day off especially when you are in the critical stage of a project.

Can't you appreciate that?

coreas · 15/08/2023 15:58

autienotnaughti · 15/08/2023 15:46

Those saying you are unreasonable do not have an asd child whose a runner. He has left you in the lurch. He is a dick

What about day 2/3/4...

Does the child suddenly stop being a runner?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 15/08/2023 15:59

TBF, if you both had agreed he would be there for the first day and he didn't book in the annual leave/make arrangements, then HIBU.

However, if there is an IT problem and he's in IT, then I can see why he needs to be there to fix it. Is he in a senior role?

Dixiechickonhols · 15/08/2023 16:01

coreas · 15/08/2023 15:58

What about day 2/3/4...

Does the child suddenly stop being a runner?

Show quote history

Op’s clarified he’s on school transport from day 2. So there’s a driver and passenger assistance escort in a taxi or minibus. They will pick him up at his house, escort him into vehicle, strap him in.
So it’s not Op on her own.

Original poster
AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 16:01

EeyoreNeedsABalloon · 15/08/2023 13:29

Where do you live, OP? Your local LA sounds a heck of a lot better than ours!
Im envious that you got an ASD diagnosis, EHCP and confirm specialist place in time for reception.
We waited 18 months for a diagnosis, it’s been another year fighting the LA for a specialist place, and even longer now that we are waiting for a tribunal hearing date.
Our child hasnt even had his own first day at school yet because we are still fighting for a suitable place.

They don't start school till 5 here.

It took 2.5 years to get a diagnosis. And we had to appeal for the place.
EHCPs aren't a thing in Scotland.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 15/08/2023 16:03

I can understand you being upset if he’s lied he’s booked annual leave and hasn’t. If he can’t take the leave booked because of a crisis then that’s different. I’d speak to him and see what has gone on. He may have thought he could work around without leave eg start later and work later like you would with dentist.

Original poster
AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 16:04

Why the assumption from so many posters that I don't work?
I do. And I planned ahead to have the week off to deal with the early finishes in the first week and manage my case load.

Anything else can be handled by my colleagues.

OP posts:
autienotnaughti · 15/08/2023 16:04

@Sirzy he will get annual leave the same as all other adults. He didn't book it off. How the first day goes at the new school Will massively impact on how the child feels about that school long term. Two people means one to drive, one to help the child regulate. It means if his bag gets chucked there's one to pick up, one to manage the child. It's literally 50% easier. It means if he does struggle and tries to run dad could grab him rather than pregnant mum trying to chase and get him into school.

And the suggestion of go day two instead 🙄 if I told my son the day before something new about a change like that he would massively struggle which would make the whole experience even harder. The child will already have to adjust to transport on day two why make his life harder?

As I said people don't get it.

Sirzy · 15/08/2023 16:06

autienotnaughti · 15/08/2023 16:04

@Sirzy he will get annual leave the same as all other adults. He didn't book it off. How the first day goes at the new school Will massively impact on how the child feels about that school long term. Two people means one to drive, one to help the child regulate. It means if his bag gets chucked there's one to pick up, one to manage the child. It's literally 50% easier. It means if he does struggle and tries to run dad could grab him rather than pregnant mum trying to chase and get him into school.

And the suggestion of go day two instead 🙄 if I told my son the day before something new about a change like that he would massively struggle which would make the whole experience even harder. The child will already have to adjust to transport on day two why make his life harder?

As I said people don't get it.

just because people don’t agree with you doesn’t mean they don’t get it!

NoTouch · 15/08/2023 16:09

LlynTegid · 15/08/2023 14:35

I'm not sure which is more unreasonable, the not booking a day off leave or introducing what seems like a significant IT change in August.

Depending on who you talk to in our organisation we shouldn't do significant IT changes (or even training, UAT, integration testing) -

Jan - post peak period and holidays
Feb-Mar - as a special peak date for one of our major brands
Apr - Easter holidays
Jul-Aug - Scotland holidays
Aug-Sep - England holidays
Oct-Dec as peak time for our industry

That is not even taking into account Diwali, Holi, Thanksgiving, and other local holidays. Not considering financial month end/half year and yearend change freezes, monthly security patching windows etc etc

It is just part of IT that project managers need to manage risk and organise resources, or staff need to manage leave around project milestones or we would get nothing done!

Littlefish · 15/08/2023 16:09

Goshdarnitgoofy · 15/08/2023 12:10

I’ll go against the grain and say I agree with you.

Both me and my husband have booked the day off for my sons first day tomorrow. In fact, we have other families coming to wave him off too. Also - don’t kids finish at mid day on the first day? My son does so we are doing a family lunch to celebrate.

All of the schools I've worked in specifically request that no more than 2 people come on to the school site on the first day of term due to lack of space etc.

Those schools that, since covid, still allow parents into the classroom or cloakroom, only allow one person to go with the child, and no pushchairs.

gingercat02 · 15/08/2023 16:17

PARunnerGirl · 15/08/2023 11:54

“Where in the name of God?” 😭😆 This reminded me of the Shocked English Couple on the couch in the old Catherine Tate sketches 😆

God’s country itself, m’dear. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿💙

Show quote history

It always amuses me that there is nowhere else in the whole wide world apart from England where people may use the Internet!

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2023 16:27

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 15:53

My issue isn't that he will have to work, it's that he didn't book the AL in the first place.

Show quote history

Oh that really wasn't clear to me I read it that he had an emergency and had to work , well if you had asked and he agreed then that's really rubbish that he didn't even bother in the first place.

Goshdarnitgoofy · 15/08/2023 16:48

Littlefish · 15/08/2023 16:09

All of the schools I've worked in specifically request that no more than 2 people come on to the school site on the first day of term due to lack of space etc.

Those schools that, since covid, still allow parents into the classroom or cloakroom, only allow one person to go with the child, and no pushchairs.

Show quote history

thats not my school rules but I have never said my family was coming into the school with me.

Pinkywoo · 15/08/2023 17:02

3luckystars · 15/08/2023 11:42

Fair enough you actually needed him there but if he has to work, he has to work.

Where in the name of God are you if school is starting tomorrow and it’s not even half way through August?

Scotland? They went back this week.

Wallywobbles · 15/08/2023 17:14

To all those saying no big deal. It was the only thing ever ExH went to for our kids. So even arseholes can think this is a big deal.

ThankYouVeryMuchGerry · 15/08/2023 17:18

Are you in Scotland?

It seems to be much more of a thing up there than it is down here. My parents both took the day off to take me and then my sister to school and all of my family and their friends did so too. There are pics of us both leaving the house, and on the walk up to school, and at the gate etc etc.

My cousins now do the same, both parents do the first drop off. It's not so much of a thing in England (at least where I live).

That said, if your DC is likely to be emotional about it, I can see why you'd want DH there to support you.

GrandTheftWalrus · 15/08/2023 17:29

Dd is going back tomorrow as well.

P1 had us, her sister and my parents. Just outside of gates etc though as it was 2021 as we weren't allowed in.

The reason my parents came was to see their 1st grandchild on 1st day of school as last time they had that experience was in 1989. I doubt they'll come for dd2 starting in 3 years.

Cardboardcup · 15/08/2023 17:33

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 16:01

They don't start school till 5 here.

It took 2.5 years to get a diagnosis. And we had to appeal for the place.
EHCPs aren't a thing in Scotland.

Show quote history

It’s not that unusual. My son was diagnosed at just before 3, his statement now EHCP was sorted way before he turned 4 and started at a special school at 4/5. There were at 15 other reception age children that started on the same day.

Vettrianofan · 15/08/2023 17:35

CMOTDibbler · 15/08/2023 11:36

Honestly, I couldn't get too worked up about it. First day at school really is made to be more than it actually is imo.

This.

DH wasn't able to be there for DC1's first day if I remember rightly, but was for DC2's first day of school (just how his shifts worked out that particular week). He wasn't there for DC3 first day or DC4's because he works office hours now.

Our school take photos of each child at balloon arches for those parents who can't be there like teachers who have to work, nurses, doctors etc.

It really isn't a big deal.

Vettrianofan · 15/08/2023 17:39

gingercat02 · 15/08/2023 16:17

It always amuses me that there is nowhere else in the whole wide world apart from England where people may use the Internet!

Show quote history

I know! Get educated people! It's like cartoons years ago didn't cater for Scottish kids off for summer holidays. We had to wait til English kids broke up for summer.

It is not all about you Engerland!

DinnaeFashYersel · 15/08/2023 18:38

Vettrianofan · 15/08/2023 17:39

I know! Get educated people! It's like cartoons years ago didn't cater for Scottish kids off for summer holidays. We had to wait til English kids broke up for summer.

It is not all about you Engerland!

Show quote history

OMG I had forgotten all about the injustice that was. Used to give me the rage every year. Not just cartoons. No children's programmes at all. No Why Don't You or Huckleberry Finn or Littlest Hobo for us Scottish weans.

pinkyredrose · 15/08/2023 19:01

CelestiaNoctis · 15/08/2023 12:14

My dad worked abroad a lot throughout my entire childhood. He missed my first day of school and I still remember it. I had a little corkboard in my room growing up and for a long time I had the letter he wrote me about my first day (as if that would make up for it). It hurts when your father prioritises their job over you when it can be avoided. Also you can say ok they're working and you need money etc etc but children don't understand that, they just remember you weren't there.

Seriously? He was working, he wasn't prioritising it, it just had to be done.

freetheunicorn1 · 15/08/2023 19:04

I am still bitter about that @Vettrianofan 😝

EasterIssland · 15/08/2023 20:14

LlynTegid · 15/08/2023 14:35

I'm not sure which is more unreasonable, the not booking a day off leave or introducing what seems like a significant IT change in August.

weve released 2 major products this month and we’re currently about to release number 3 which is a must to save a fine to my company. If you’ve the people to deal with priorities I don’t see any problems of it being august or March. Sometimes things have to be done independently of the month