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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH didn't plan for DS's first day of school?

404 replies

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:33

DS starts school tomorrow.
DH works in IT for a large company with multiple offices across the country.
They put a new program in place over the weekend but discovered Monday it wasn't working properly.
DH is now claiming he might need to miss DS's first day to work to fix it.
I am annoyed, and he accused me of "minimising his job"

I pointed out that he has had months to book annual leave, there are more than just him and his team, and if my friends husband can make it back from army deployment for their child's first day, he can take the morning off work.
AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Julimia · 16/08/2023 21:10

Think you need to get this into perspective. Its not a ceremony is it? Its just the next step and only needs one person not pressure for child. Relax, your DH is not shirking his duties....HE'S WORKING.

MeridaBrave · 16/08/2023 21:10

3luckystars · 15/08/2023 11:42

Fair enough you actually needed him there but if he has to work, he has to work.

Where in the name of God are you if school is starting tomorrow and it’s not even half way through August?

It’s not a big deal even with the special needs.

I think Scottish schools start mid August.

Shona52 · 16/08/2023 21:11

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:39

Too much of a drip feed, DS is autistic, and we have to fight to get him his place in the specialist school.
It is a major milestone for him, we do not know how he will cope and being heavily pregnant I could use DHs help

I thought that had to be an additional support need for you to post this OP. I really understand your worries (it took me almost 1/2 an hour just to get our DS in the taxi to take him to school on his first day, he’s ASD too) and this was with one of his teachers as an escort for him. But we found things to help along the way and if he’s in a special school unit they will have a lot of advice and support to help you. If you’re taking him to school yourself have you arranged for a teacher to meet you at the school. I think it will be that side you will need the help. Try not to worry too much easier said then done but it will make it easier if your calm about it. I wish you luck for tomorrow x

Original poster
AttackCherubim · 16/08/2023 21:18

pollymere · 16/08/2023 19:28

He probably organised to go into work slightly later. Annual leave isn't really needed here. If your son has ASD, it's possible your DH does too, so maybe doesn't get why it's so important to you or DS. I was going to make suggestions but actually I would suggest not making it into too big a thing so your DS doesn't get overloaded. Starting a new school is socially exhausting so you don't want him using up his social energy before he gets there.

I'm actually the suspected autistic one (in the queue of adult assessment)

Anyhoo, the first day was drama free. I was at the door with him. And he went straight in no bother.

OP posts:
Rooroo42 · 16/08/2023 21:19

Just take some pics it’s really not a big deal, you will wait in the playground for a few minutes then they will wonder in, it’s a total non event and would be a total waste of a days annual leave.

Original poster
AttackCherubim · 16/08/2023 21:20

mandlerparr · 16/08/2023 19:36

I don't see why he can't take an hour or two to do drop off and pick up with you and then work the rest of the time? At mine they come out and get him as a team, although he still balks if I don't also walk him in, there are at least 2-4 other people there to stop him from eloping. The first day I did walk him in alone though, but they walked out with us at pick up.

I explained further up. He works in the field - his start time plus length of commute meant a later start time or popping back for 1/2 an hour wasn't possible

OP posts:
JRM17 · 16/08/2023 21:28

FFS yes you are most definitely being unreasonable. No wonder the world is turning into a planet full of snowflakes. Your husbands whole company who rely on a computer system that he can fix must all sit and twiddle their thumbs so he can stand in a yard full of children for 10mins to watch them walk in. Im a civil servant and can only imagine the bark of laughter I would have gotten if I'd have asked for my DS's first day of school off. For context my DS is 6 and will be going in to yr2 in Sep and I have so far taken him to school once in 3yrs.

JanieEyre · 16/08/2023 21:33

JRM17 · 16/08/2023 21:28

FFS yes you are most definitely being unreasonable. No wonder the world is turning into a planet full of snowflakes. Your husbands whole company who rely on a computer system that he can fix must all sit and twiddle their thumbs so he can stand in a yard full of children for 10mins to watch them walk in. Im a civil servant and can only imagine the bark of laughter I would have gotten if I'd have asked for my DS's first day of school off. For context my DS is 6 and will be going in to yr2 in Sep and I have so far taken him to school once in 3yrs.

It's fascinating to see how people who resort to the lazy "snowflake" theme are also too lazy to read the OP's posts.

I suggest you do so, @JRM17, and consider asking MN to withdraw your post.

Grammarnut · 16/08/2023 21:36

Why would your DH take a day off work for your DS's first day at school? Seems a bit OTT for a perfectly normal event IMO. No great fuss. Ask DS all about his day when he comes home. That's about it. No drama. No annual leave. Ffs, why is every minor event now a celebration with fireworks?

Grammarnut · 16/08/2023 21:39

Why would your DH take a day off work for your DS's first day at school? Seems a bit OTT for a perfectly normal event IMO. No great fuss. Ask DS all about his day when he comes home. That's about it. No drama. No annual leave. Ffs, why is every minor event now a celebration with fireworks?
As your DS is autistic I suspect the less fuss and lack of routine the better. And many of us have been heavily pregnant and in a position where that matters - I walked out of a production of Crime and Punishment when I was seven months gone because the theatre was bloody freezing and the play utterly boring, but I did not make a song and dance about it, nor about my children's first day at school.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/08/2023 21:41

Excellent news Op.

Manthide · 16/08/2023 21:53

I think you are being unreasonable. It's best the first day is like all the following days so if mum will be picking and taking him she should be there. Having dad there too might make him more anxious. I have 4dc and to be honest I can't remember any of their first days! Schools are very used to dealing with these and will have strategies in place.

Underestimated4 · 16/08/2023 21:54

Drop of it’s a 5 minute thing, I do think you’re over reacting, it’s his first date I appreciate that but I can’t even tell you if my husband was at our oldest first day 🙈

Puffalicious · 16/08/2023 22:06

UghStopSnoring · 15/08/2023 12:13

Gosh. Your extended family has taken leave for this? Sounds quite a performance.

Show quote history

OP, I wonder if this is cultural? Here in Central belt Scotland I'd say that most people try for both parents to be there if humanly possible. My parents/ sisters/ best friend came to see my DC off in the morning or to collect at lunchtime and came back for tea & cake as a bit of a celebration. People also buy cards/ small gifts (eg a book/ pencils etc). It's tradition in some circles (mine too) that grandparents/ godparents buy the first blazer or school shoes or bag. I even bought my nephew some nice stationery for starting secondary.

Does nowhere else treat first school days like this? Maybe Ireland? I'm of Irish descent, so wonder if it comes from that?

I'm a teacher and colleagues here request & get to take their own DC to their first day- it's only a few hours once in their life. We had 3 staff today do this, it's a nice thing.

ohdamnitjanet · 16/08/2023 22:08

@otherwayup

Exactly this!

Isthisasgoodasitis · 16/08/2023 22:17

Having a child with special needs becomes an additional mum function a way of life that you accept not scream from the rooftops particularly with autism

autistic children can be physical in an uncomfortable situation especially one that overloads them chasing him around or containing flailing arms and legs would be hard enough without being heavily pregnant

Isthisasgoodasitis · 16/08/2023 22:23

Your DH is being an idiot he should know that it could be a challenging day for you both and should have made sure he was free to step up…

clearly there’s few mums of autistic children responding here but I hear you, at 3 my dd broke my nose getting a dental check up 3 months later she broke two fingers on a hospital orderly having stitches for a deep cut neither were deliberately inflicted she got overwhelmed and lost control of her emotions, she’s sensory sensitive so touching is a huge trigger your son deserves his dads support and as you are carrying his next child he should be nurturing you he’s epically failed in his role as father and husband

i hope ds first day goes well good luck

MamskiBell · 16/08/2023 22:25

Mummy08m · 15/08/2023 11:36

Genuine q because my dd isn't school age yet - why does your dh have to be there for the first day? Do they need to meet both parents or something?

No, generally not. It's just a really special day/moment in your child's and your life. And if OP is anything like me she'll need the emotional support after sending DC into a war zone....sorry, I nean reception class 😅

HarrietJet · 16/08/2023 22:27

Emotional support? Are you serious?

Weemumofone · 16/08/2023 22:40

Some Scottish schools have started back this week. Holidays start late June / early July

Kazzybingbong · 16/08/2023 22:49

3luckystars · 15/08/2023 11:42

Fair enough you actually needed him there but if he has to work, he has to work.

Where in the name of God are you if school is starting tomorrow and it’s not even half way through August?

I’m guessing Scotland. Did you think OP was just making it up? 😂

BakewellGin1 · 16/08/2023 22:52

DS1 I took to first day at pre school and then reception alone. His Grandma collected him. DH works away a lot.
I didn't put in annual leave just started 45 min later. DS1 didn't settle for a while but the theory was only one person would take him to school any other day so treat it the same.

DS2 starts reception in a few weeks.
I will take him along with grandma who will collect as they have changed the entrance and exit so will show her where she needs to be. DH again will get a standard photo.

Plus I always think the extra amount of parents makes it more chaotic then it needs to be. The teachers/TA are experienced in handling children who don't settle, are upset etc

TinySaltLick · 16/08/2023 22:56

If he has a core role in a big technology project and the thing has failed - I can see the need to be there to fix it, depending on what it is these things can be time critical. Would he have ended up cancelling the day off anyway if there was a big outage?

Certain technology roles you are effectively on call for these things

Rachie1973 · 16/08/2023 22:58

AttackCherubim · 15/08/2023 11:33

DS starts school tomorrow.
DH works in IT for a large company with multiple offices across the country.
They put a new program in place over the weekend but discovered Monday it wasn't working properly.
DH is now claiming he might need to miss DS's first day to work to fix it.
I am annoyed, and he accused me of "minimising his job"

I pointed out that he has had months to book annual leave, there are more than just him and his team, and if my friends husband can make it back from army deployment for their child's first day, he can take the morning off work.
AIBU to be annoyed?

Is this a thing?

im working on my granddaughters first day (she lives with me)

Americano75 · 16/08/2023 22:59

JRM17 · 16/08/2023 21:28

FFS yes you are most definitely being unreasonable. No wonder the world is turning into a planet full of snowflakes. Your husbands whole company who rely on a computer system that he can fix must all sit and twiddle their thumbs so he can stand in a yard full of children for 10mins to watch them walk in. Im a civil servant and can only imagine the bark of laughter I would have gotten if I'd have asked for my DS's first day of school off. For context my DS is 6 and will be going in to yr2 in Sep and I have so far taken him to school once in 3yrs.

There's absolutely no need for that. How bloody nasty.