To be upset that I was not told I was breast fed by my aunt?

[Evieanne]

So in my family’s religion and culture, breast feeding a baby who isn’t yours still forms kinship and re establishes part of who you cannot marry and who you’re allowed alone with from the opposite sex even within family and who can help marry you off.

In my case, as a baby I was Breast fed by my dad’s sister and I became my aunt’s milk daughter and I am the milk sibling to all of her aunt’s children - so my cousins from my aunty, through me being breast fed, became immediate family to me and are just like my biological siblings. so her male children can no longer marry me and can be alone with me and can be my guardian when I marry as they are considered my brothers.

So it is a huge thing in my family’s religion.

It took my parents a while to conceive, and they used a clinic to finally have me. There were concerns as to whether I was biologically both of my parent’s daughter, but they loved me anyway and said they didn’t want to know. My mum breast fed me a couple times just in case I wasn’t biologically hers and kept me bottle fed after that, so I know I am the mahram of her brothers and her dad. My aunt breast fed me when my parents took me to Pakistan as a baby to make sure there was no way I wasn’t blood family to my aunties and uncles on my dad’s side because my parents are related and there was no cheating, they were wanting to protect family ties. I don’t know why they just didn’t do a dna test.

But they kept this from me and I found out because my mum and my aunt had an argument about it and I was told by my mum I couldn’t be alone with any of cousins from my dad’s side unless female and I asked what about the cousins from this aunt who breast fed me, they’re my brothers ffs!!

😕

This is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read.

And it's misogynistic trope to not be allowed alone with men and to need a guardian.

hi op no wonder you are upset about your family situation. Are you living in the UK?
I am sorry your culture is being used to oppress you in such a way.
However it is very positive that you cannot marry your cousins as this is likely to lead to birth defects in children.

Is this the life you want to lead?

I am not from your cultural background but family secrets are always difficult the later you find out about them Hence the difficulty around DNA tests as an adult when people find out they have a half sibling - wouldn't have been a big deal if they'd been raised knowing it, but to find out as an adult is a huge shock.

I think from what you said it wasn't kept from you for any bad or malicious reason, and that everyone was acting in a way that they thought was the most loving/family oriented way to keep family ties. Do you feel it was in fact kept from you for a bad or malicious reason?

I'm usually tolerant of cultural malarkey, but in your shoes I'd be more concerned about the control all these males seem to have over you tbh. If you were white, which I'm assuming you're not, people would say you're in a cult. YABU to not tell all this tomfoolery to get tae.

Im not understanding how your parents used a clinic to conceive you but aren't sure if you are biologically related to them.

Culture does not override fact. Your aunt’s children are your cousins. There is no such thing as a milk sibling or a milk mother.

its not just the marriage part, it is also who you can be alone with. So if I want to go out with my male cousins from my dad’s side it would be a no unless it’s my brother, half brother or milk brother and they’re my milk brothers so I should be allowed to go out with them and they can take me places because there is no prohibition against it. That’s what upsets me, that I wasn’t told. It’s important to know because it’s a sacred bond in our families. I know it means nothing among white British people but it does for us and I feel like I have been lied to. Even the whole questioning my paternity, I have questioned it too because I look different to my siblings and have conditions my family do not have but they could have told me the truth that they weren’t sure if I was their biological child or not because of the way they conceived me

I'm not sure I understand the confusion either of your biological mum/dad. The breastfeeding by "aunts" is common in some cultures but how this can have any effect on which males you can or cannot be with is rubbish.

I'm sorry this has upset you

In my family’s religion we can marry cousins, we can’t be alone with them freely in the same way as your brother, so male cousins for women are on par with male strangers. So when your aunt has breast fed you, you’re seen as her child and her sons are like your brothers because you cannot marry them and the rules no longer apply.

Can I do a dna test with my 17 year old sister without parental permission or do I have to wait till she is 18?

I'm a bit confused about how you've only just found out that your aunt's sons are your milk brothers if it has an impact on your ability to spend time with them unchaperoned. Had you not met them until just now?

I don't know what is normal in your culture in terms of telling children/young adults which of their aunts might have breastfed them - what would be usual?

I'm also confused by and might be more concerned by this: There were concerns as to whether I was biologically both of my parent’s daughter, but they loved me anyway and said they didn’t want to know.
I'd want to know in case of possible hereditary conditions and the possibility of unwittingly dating someone I was related to.

Have you previously been allowed to be alone with your aunts sons? Has something changed ?

It seems that your mum is not totally bought in to the idea of these men being effectively your brothers. Is that the case?

But marrying your first cousin raises the risk of genetic defects in your children, so surely it's not a good idea (milk brother or not).

They implanted two embryos, one was theirs which was a lower quality but the best quality out of the ones they had while the other was the better quality embryo and meant I would only be related to one parent

But obviously only one stuck out of the two

You can go out with whoever you like. Wherever you like.

No need to be disrespectful. The rules don’t change just because we don’t like them

I've not heard of the milk mother / sibling thing in modern days, but you've explained it clearly and seem happy with the way it places you in your family, so if you're happy, that's fine. Not my place to judge.

I understand the upset if you've been effectively denied a closer relationship with your milk siblings because you've been unaware that they're not just normal cousins until now. Have they been in a Pakistan and you in the UK all this time, so it's just theoretical, or are you all together now?

I don't understand the query over whether your parents are biologically related or not. Do you mean they had IVF but done know if a donor egg or sperm or both was used? How is that possible?!

I understand the milk sibling stuff, but as a pp said, have you only just met your male first cousins? Otherwise it would have been obvious all along that they were your milk brothers, as you would have been able to be alone with them…?

So you are either both your parents child or just your mums? Why was this done and where? It sounds highly unusual. How are you sure your sister is your fathers child?

So they had IVF with their own and donor eggs or sperm at the same time?

I don't think being alone with your male cousins is the biggest issue. I'm not from your culture but tbh if my DM was saying she didn't want me to be alone with certain male relatives, I'd be taking that as a subtle warning, not fighting about it.
The real problem seems to be that you're unsure of your place in the family. Depending on which country you're in, a 17-yr-old can consent to a DNA test so your DSIS might be able to do that and give you more clarity about your birth. However, I think you should seek out counselling first to prepare you for every outcome and to let you work through how you feel about your conception, your wider family, the secrets, etc. It's a lot to process