Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset that I was not told I was breast fed by my aunt?

451 replies

Evieanne · 15/08/2023 11:31

So in my family’s religion and culture, breast feeding a baby who isn’t yours still forms kinship and re establishes part of who you cannot marry and who you’re allowed alone with from the opposite sex even within family and who can help marry you off.

In my case, as a baby I was Breast fed by my dad’s sister and I became my aunt’s milk daughter and I am the milk sibling to all of her aunt’s children - so my cousins from my aunty, through me being breast fed, became immediate family to me and are just like my biological siblings. so her male children can no longer marry me and can be alone with me and can be my guardian when I marry as they are considered my brothers.

So it is a huge thing in my family’s religion.

It took my parents a while to conceive, and they used a clinic to finally have me. There were concerns as to whether I was biologically both of my parent’s daughter, but they loved me anyway and said they didn’t want to know. My mum breast fed me a couple times just in case I wasn’t biologically hers and kept me bottle fed after that, so I know I am the mahram of her brothers and her dad. My aunt breast fed me when my parents took me to Pakistan as a baby to make sure there was no way I wasn’t blood family to my aunties and uncles on my dad’s side because my parents are related and there was no cheating, they were wanting to protect family ties. I don’t know why they just didn’t do a dna test.

But they kept this from me and I found out because my mum and my aunt had an argument about it and I was told by my mum I couldn’t be alone with any of cousins from my dad’s side unless female and I asked what about the cousins from this aunt who breast fed me, they’re my brothers ffs!!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
GenieGenealogy · 15/08/2023 12:40

As a donor to breastmilk banks in two separate parts of the UK, I'm now wondering how many milk children I have dotted about the place.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 15/08/2023 12:41

Fairyliz · 15/08/2023 12:31

This is one advantage of being an atheist, you don’t have to go along with all of this malarkey.
If you are an adult op just see who you want too.

Agreed!

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 15/08/2023 12:42

I'm finding this unsettling on so many levels😖

Evieanne · 15/08/2023 12:44

hygieneversustheplanet · 15/08/2023 12:29

I think that you have the right to know the truth about your own identity and origins. I think it's unfair that your parents and aunt kept this from you for so long, and that they didn't give you a choice or a say in the matter. I think you deserve to have some clarity and closure about who you are and where you come from.

I think you should talk to your parents and aunt calmly and respectfully, and ask them to explain why they did what they did, and how they feel about it now. I think you should also ask them to do a DNA test, if possible, to confirm your biological relationship with them. I think this will help you to understand your situation better, and to make your own decisions about your future.

@hygieneversustheplanet @JoanOfAllTrades I just want to know the truth, I think that’s what it is. I want there to be no doubt, I need them to be honest with me and tell me the full story. I need to know for my own sake, my own identity, my own peace of mind. I care a lot about lineage and knowing where I’m from and who all my family are. But they’re not giving me that chance. I’m trying but they’re shutting away, they could tell me but there’s not much communication just asking if I would change my mind about them. I don’t know if this is my personality disorder making me feel more emotional about it, but I can’t deal with uncertainty. I have never been able to it makes me anxious.

@JoanOfAllTrades will I be able to get in touch with them randomly or do I speak to the imam? My dad is part of the committee at the mosque will he find out about this?

OP posts:
crushercreel · 15/08/2023 12:46

That's abuse, pure and simple. You really should probably focus on leaving.

Evieanne · 15/08/2023 12:46

And tbh I don’t think I am okay, I have tried therapy but I can’t heal from anything that’s happened. I’m constantly feeling trapped and suffocated all the damn time and it’s like I feel helpless and powerless because they know something I don’t about me and they’re not caring about me enough to tell me or maybe they want to protect me and don’t want things to change but it’s shit, it really is

OP posts:
AlexandriasWindmill · 15/08/2023 12:47

I just want to flag again, a point a PP made in case you missed it. You're assuming you know your DSIS' heritage and parentage. But you don't and your family seems to be built on lots of secrets.
I'm sorry your DM was abusive. Is there anyone outside the family who could offer you RL support?

madeinmanc · 15/08/2023 12:47

Sorry, what is it they know that they won't tell you? It's all got a bit complicated and I can't follow properly.

Evieanne · 15/08/2023 12:49

I don’t think me or my friend would be in danger if we do move out but there would be a lot of upset and hurt feelings both ways. I just wish there was an easy solution to this, but they’re not giving me much choice. I was referred to a housing association and my friend was applying for houses we have viewings but I’m just focused on the fears around hurting my family

OP posts:
AlexandriasWindmill · 15/08/2023 12:49

It's unlikely your parents do know. They won't have had a DNA test.

GenieGenealogy · 15/08/2023 12:50

Also agree that an Ancestry DNA test is not necessarily the right solution. In families/communities where endogamy is common, the larger than expected quantities of shared DNA skews matches.

Whattodo112222 · 15/08/2023 12:50

Never in my life have I heard of milk children... mind blown

Custardslices · 15/08/2023 12:52

I don't know where to start with this thread. Mind boggles

I'd be suspicious if you were conceived by a clinic sounds like your aunt has more to do with this than just being a milk bank back then.

I'd keep digging expose the truth if you can handle it and turn your back on the lot of them.

Evieanne · 15/08/2023 12:52

madeinmanc · 15/08/2023 12:47

Sorry, what is it they know that they won't tell you? It's all got a bit complicated and I can't follow properly.

They won’t tell me anything about if they will do a dna test with me, won’t tell me if they know which embryo stuck, whose egg or sperm wasn’t used because all I know is that the embryo was only biologically one of theirs, where they did it because different countries have different laws around donors etc. it’s all a mess

OP posts:
AnaNimmity · 15/08/2023 12:53

Were you conceived in the UK OP?

Evieanne · 15/08/2023 12:53

AlexandriasWindmill · 15/08/2023 12:49

It's unlikely your parents do know. They won't have had a DNA test.

That is all I’m wanting to hear from them, I’m wanting them to offer to do one with me so I know.

OP posts:
Evieanne · 15/08/2023 12:53

AnaNimmity · 15/08/2023 12:53

Were you conceived in the UK OP?

All I know is I was born in the UK

OP posts:
Loulou599 · 15/08/2023 12:54

Could it be possible that you are actually your aunt and uncles child?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 15/08/2023 12:54

If you ain't breastfed you and in your culture that makes them milk brothers then your mother can't really say you can't be out with them can she? You're abiding the culture and she can't rescind that I assume? So tell her to stop being silly.

As far as biology I'd demand a DNA test. Although I don't see how they would t know if you're theirs!

AnaNimmity · 15/08/2023 12:54

Cross post OP.

Have to agree with a PP about the Middle Ages, what kind of process allows a child to be conceived with no idea of who their parents are?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 15/08/2023 12:57

If your parents won't do DNA then yes do one with your sister if you're sure she's also both of theirs.

madeinmanc · 15/08/2023 12:57

@Evieanne Thanks for clarifying. I've got a headache today and I'm not thinking straight.

My gut feeling is that if they are being evasive and avoiding matters then there is probably something to hide.

All in all, though, if your parents love you nothing has to change. Lots of people have different scenarios with parentage, donors and adoption etc.

There doesn't have to be a big drama but it's best if the truth comes out, IMO, and you're all just honest with each other if possible.

madeinmanc · 15/08/2023 12:58

When you asked your Mum what about the cousins from your Aunt's side, who are milk brothers, what did she reply?

JoanOfAllTrades · 15/08/2023 12:58

SlashBeef · 15/08/2023 12:36

This!! If anything it's more ignorant to say "oh this practice is fine because they're Muslim". What so mutilation, misogyny and incest are acceptable standards to keep for those people but not us?

I’m not sure who “those” people are? Perhaps you mean the late Queen Elizabeth? Or Queen Victoria? Or Queen Victoria’s children? Or King Edward, or any number of upper class or Royal people who always intermarried to keep their wealth in their family. Many people marry cousins, not just Muslims and marrying a cousin is not considered incest under British law!

FGM is widespread amongst some communities and in Africa, is practiced by Christians as well as Muslims. However, education is undertaken in the communities that have been identified as the main offenders and thankfully, changes, whilst slow, are coming.

Misogyny and Islam - yes, some groups, such as the Taliban, misuse our religion to subjugate females but the Quran states clearly that women are to be protected and revered, as after all, Heaven is found under the feet of your mother! Hijab was a concept for both men and women and it was meant as a protection for women from men as the Hadith teaches that men are untrustworthy. And don’t forget, veiling has been used for centuries in many different cultures and religions! As has covering one’s body!

Did you know, that Islam had a system of social security and child benefit before any other country? And anyone, of any religion was entitled to apply for such? And did you also know that Islam mandated women’s rights from the start? Fathers had to leave a portion for their daughters as well as their sons! The dowry the husband paid was given to the wife, in case of divorce. And women could instigate divorce. And vote. And work. And yes, divorce was allowed from the beginning as well. Oh, and before I get all the cries of Ayesha being 9 when she married the Prophet SWT, sexual relations didn’t take place when she was that age and they were married because she was orphaned, so to protect her, the Prophet SWT, married her. Unlike King John who married the 11 year old Isabella some 500 years later, with the blessing of the Pope!

Evieanne · 15/08/2023 13:00

Custardslices · 15/08/2023 12:52

I don't know where to start with this thread. Mind boggles

I'd be suspicious if you were conceived by a clinic sounds like your aunt has more to do with this than just being a milk bank back then.

I'd keep digging expose the truth if you can handle it and turn your back on the lot of them.

In what way could she have had more to do with it? She’s my dad’s sister

OP posts: