To be upset that I was not told I was breast fed by my aunt?

[Evieanne]

So in my family’s religion and culture, breast feeding a baby who isn’t yours still forms kinship and re establishes part of who you cannot marry and who you’re allowed alone with from the opposite sex even within family and who can help marry you off.

In my case, as a baby I was Breast fed by my dad’s sister and I became my aunt’s milk daughter and I am the milk sibling to all of her aunt’s children - so my cousins from my aunty, through me being breast fed, became immediate family to me and are just like my biological siblings. so her male children can no longer marry me and can be alone with me and can be my guardian when I marry as they are considered my brothers.

So it is a huge thing in my family’s religion.

It took my parents a while to conceive, and they used a clinic to finally have me. There were concerns as to whether I was biologically both of my parent’s daughter, but they loved me anyway and said they didn’t want to know. My mum breast fed me a couple times just in case I wasn’t biologically hers and kept me bottle fed after that, so I know I am the mahram of her brothers and her dad. My aunt breast fed me when my parents took me to Pakistan as a baby to make sure there was no way I wasn’t blood family to my aunties and uncles on my dad’s side because my parents are related and there was no cheating, they were wanting to protect family ties. I don’t know why they just didn’t do a dna test.

But they kept this from me and I found out because my mum and my aunt had an argument about it and I was told by my mum I couldn’t be alone with any of cousins from my dad’s side unless female and I asked what about the cousins from this aunt who breast fed me, they’re my brothers ffs!!

Op, if your sister consents, she can do a DNA test aged 16 or over. But please think about all implications if you do not get the answer you want.
Consent is key, it is illegal to test someone else’s DNA without their consent.

How will it affect your standing in the family? How will it affect your parents? I may be wrong, but I assume they are still providing for you. How may it affect your marriage prospects?

This is all very far away from my own cultural upbringing, but I do understand the desire to know your origins, but please be aware of the risks,

If your family is this religious it suggests they might be planning to marry you off to one of your Dad’s brother’s cousins and are establishing a connection. Cousin marriage in Islamic countries happens to establish the family bond and girls who aren’t related can often be treated very badly. By making you milk daughter to your fooi, they have established a pretty important connection.

But I should point out I’m a Gujrati Hindu - in our culture it is assumed any childbearing woman in the family will raise / breastfeed you (even if it rarely happens) which is why we have rules prohibiting 1st-4th cousin marriage. But in some Hindu cultures (particularly those from Pakistan and Southern India) incestuous marriages are permitted and they also have these milk rules.

At age 17 your sister can consent ie you don’t have to tell the parents

https://www.alphabiolabs.co.uk/learning-centre/why-is-consent-needed/

Depending on which companies you use I think some age age 18

The UK also had this kind of behaviour until Hindu immigration educated ya’ll. so stop chatting rubbish.

Just buy a 23andme and kit for you and your sister. You don’t need parental consent.

re milk brothers, words fail me.

The rules do change just because we don't like them actually, it's called progress and you can be a part of it by doing what you want

Secrets and lies…. I can’t believe I’m reading this in 2023.

How old are you, OP? Do you like in the UK?

I'm struggling to follow your story. So you didn't know that your cousins were your milk brothers until recently, and that's upset you? Fair enough. They should have told you. Now that know, what will be different?

On the question of your parantage, with that story I'm amazed that they didn't get a DNA test. It sounds like your mum is the possible parent you are not related to, and for medical reasons it would be good to get a DNA test. But to put it (kindly) into perspectvie, why does it matter? This is a woman who has loved you and looked after you your entire life. Of course she is your mum, in all the ways that matter. Even if she hadn't breast fed you, you are still your brothers' sibling.

Also it seems that this stuff matters to you and your family, but assuming you live in the UK, there is no law to stop you spending time alone with anyone you want.

LIVE in the UK** that should read

When my mum said she didn’t want me to be around male cousins from Pakistan alone this was before she realised that I knew because like usual she keeps things from me and likes to act like nothing has happened. Once she realised I know, she couldn’t argue against me being alone with them.

They live in Pakistan Iast time we saw them we were all young children so it didn’t matter then but now we are all of marriageable age and have all reached puberty it matters. My cousin’s on my mum’s side aren’t Muslim and we grew up together so it is more lenient with them

And as for the way they conceived me, that’s the only information I know. I was told by a family member that they had infertility and wanted to increase chances of having a baby then they didn’t have issues afterwards. But when I asked they confirmed but were very cagey with information. And I used to comment that I wasn’t my mum’s baby and she said if I wanted to know my real mother I could ask, I just chalked it up as a joke between us because we joked about our younger siblings and every family does it but now looking back at all the abuse nothing makes sense.

I just want answers but there’s no way they’d do a test with me, it would have to be with my sister

I would be thanking my lucky stars that there were a least some of my cousins I would never have to consider marrying, especially as it sounds as though there are very strong genetic links in your family already through intermarriage. I know there are cultural reasons for this, but it really isn’t a good idea to limit the gene pool by cousins marrying over many generations.

Do you live in the uk op?

Don’t you want the same freedom as other girls in the uk?

I think it’s because I got hit by her a lot as a child and she used to tell me she didn’t love me when things got rough and I have eupd because of it all, corporal punishment was so normalised in my family and I think maybe she just couldn’t cope with me because what if there’s a chance she knows I’m not her biological child and she couldn’t cope with it?

I’m 21, I live in the UK. I think I’m going to do a dna test and if it comes out that I’m not related biologically I’m moving out. I don’t think I could deal with the overthinking and the guilt.

As a pp has said you can buy a test online and do it with your sister, if she’s willing. ( look for 23 and me online, a pp posted a link)
For your own mental health I think you may benefit from some counselling. The marrying cousins to keep money/land/assets in the family I understand but it’s a really bad idea. There are areas of Britain where people now have huge genetic health problems because of marrying within their family. This means any children you had could have lifelong, serious health problems.
Do the test with your sister, the. Seek out some counselling.

For goodness sake MNHQ, please monitor!

It is not easy having freedom, I tried and it didn’t work. But maybe I can try again?

Actually, you can change ‘the rules’, because they were probably made so long ago that they are ridiculous in the modern world, and were almost certainly made by men, so that they can control women.

Why do you think women should be controlled by men?

Time to break free, and make your own ‘rules’.

Sounds like your mum didn’t trust these so called milk brothers so she didn’t tell you so that you couldn’t be alone with them. Maybe there is more to it. Did you want to be alone with them? I don’t know what things are like in Pakistan but she possibly had good reason for not wanting her young daughter alone with male cousins she didn’t know in a foreign country.

I breastfed my niece - me and my sister had babies a few weeks apart and often babysat and fed each others babies. But I don’t think that makes that niece any different to my other nieces and nephew.

We,(white British) can marry cousins too

It's still a bad idea

Do the DNA test and probably get some counselling to sort out your feelings. There seems to be a lot of secrets in your family. That's never nice to discover.

Are you upset because you secretly might have liked to marry one of your male cousins, and now they're out of bounds?

So your family beat you, intermarry, and worry your male relatives could sexually assault you?

Seriously move out.

😅🤭