To be upset that I was not told I was breast fed by my aunt?

[Evieanne]

So in my family’s religion and culture, breast feeding a baby who isn’t yours still forms kinship and re establishes part of who you cannot marry and who you’re allowed alone with from the opposite sex even within family and who can help marry you off.

In my case, as a baby I was Breast fed by my dad’s sister and I became my aunt’s milk daughter and I am the milk sibling to all of her aunt’s children - so my cousins from my aunty, through me being breast fed, became immediate family to me and are just like my biological siblings. so her male children can no longer marry me and can be alone with me and can be my guardian when I marry as they are considered my brothers.

So it is a huge thing in my family’s religion.

It took my parents a while to conceive, and they used a clinic to finally have me. There were concerns as to whether I was biologically both of my parent’s daughter, but they loved me anyway and said they didn’t want to know. My mum breast fed me a couple times just in case I wasn’t biologically hers and kept me bottle fed after that, so I know I am the mahram of her brothers and her dad. My aunt breast fed me when my parents took me to Pakistan as a baby to make sure there was no way I wasn’t blood family to my aunties and uncles on my dad’s side because my parents are related and there was no cheating, they were wanting to protect family ties. I don’t know why they just didn’t do a dna test.

But they kept this from me and I found out because my mum and my aunt had an argument about it and I was told by my mum I couldn’t be alone with any of cousins from my dad’s side unless female and I asked what about the cousins from this aunt who breast fed me, they’re my brothers ffs!!

Also this tbf.

Had being the operative word.

I am trying to move out with my best friend and I feel guilty for doing it behind their back but it’s everything I want, at the same time I feel like I’m making a huge mistake lying to them because they’d never approve of it if I told them.

I just got sick of all the lies and the secrets, that they never respected me enough to tell me anything important that could be affecting my health. With the aunt who breast fed me, what if she had anything that could have been passed to me, I wouldn’t know would I.

Some of the comments on this thread are borderline Islamaphobic and really clueless about cultures other than white British. Do a little reading, folks, or try interacting with people who aren't all just like you.

@MissWired
👏👏👏

This is honestly so different from my culture and experience that I don’t think I have the perspective to judge who is being unreasonable.

What kind of thing are you worried could have been passed to you? If she had an infection or similar then that would have been and gone by now.

It’s hard when they ask me if I want freedom and that I can do what I like, but I can’t without huge difficulty. It’s like a lot of people don’t understand it’s not as simple as getting keys off the landlord and leaving and then saying “okay love fine by us, just send pictures of the house” or telling them I’m going out they’re not gonna say “come back before dark” they’ll be like who with, where, you have been out there before, you need to come back quickly or take someone with you

@Evieanne

ASA beti

Mahram still stands and I am in no way alimah but it’s clear from what you have outlined that chachazaad bhai and mamoonzaad bhai are mahram. Is there an aalim you can speak too? Don’t be afraid to seek out information from mufti or aalim!

Since your sister is under 18, I don’t think she can’t yet give a DNA test but before you take this step, please speak to your ammi or abbu. I understand about genetics and concerns around disease (I’m a nurse, so I really do understand!), but you are thinking of lighting a stick of dynamite under your family right now! Please talk first to your parents.

Also, please understand that people outside of our religion and our cultural background don’t understand, so don’t get defensive when you read comments about misogyny etc. It’s not for you to educate, nor is it for you to defend or proselytise! However, this isn’t really the right place for your question as regards our culture, or how things in our culture work.

Insha’Allah you will resolve this uncertainty, but you must speak firstly to your parents and ask them your questions, especially to clear up the question of mahram!

Allah hafiz 💐

I think that you have the right to know the truth about your own identity and origins. I think it's unfair that your parents and aunt kept this from you for so long, and that they didn't give you a choice or a say in the matter. I think you deserve to have some clarity and closure about who you are and where you come from.

I think you should talk to your parents and aunt calmly and respectfully, and ask them to explain why they did what they did, and how they feel about it now. I think you should also ask them to do a DNA test, if possible, to confirm your biological relationship with them. I think this will help you to understand your situation better, and to make your own decisions about your future.

Some really offensive and ignorant comments on here

You and your sister could do an ancestry dna test (or 23&me), you just spit in a tube and post it.

No matter our race or religion, sometimes we have to put ourselves before our family. Physical violence should have no place in anyone’s life.

This is one advantage of being an atheist, you don’t have to go along with all of this malarkey.
If you are an adult op just see who you want too.

It is not Islamaphobic to call out misogynistic and out-dated practices. Is it racist to say FGM is barbaric?

Thank you for your support @Iop Bismillah-ir-Rahman-ir-Rahim when people are ready to learn and be educated, there will be people willing to show how beautiful and protective Islam is and not as portrayed by people who pretend to be Muslims then take actions in direct opposition of all we are taught 💐

I am both Pakistani and Muslim, and with all due respect, even my initial reaction is how bizarre it all sounds. I have never come across this type of discussion unless it was my grandmother's generation or a soap opera. Now, disregarding what I 'think', which is irrelevant, what are you upset about? That you can't have as relaxed a relationship with your cousins/milk brothers as you would like to? While you prepare yourself for the many emotions you are/will be facing, PLEASE do not forget the most important thing that sticks out in your story the most- that you are a clearly a very much loved and wanted member of your family (from what it sounds like), regardless of what facts come forward.

OP, will you or your sister be in danger if you do a DNA test without your parents permission? Or if it shows that one or both of your parents are not biologically related to you?

Will you or your friend be in danger if you move out without permission?

Are you safe?

I'm really worried that you've made a throw away reference to abuse when you were growing up. Are you OK?

I’m not sure why you need to say that it probably means nothing to white British people, it probably doesn’t mean much to a lot of British people of all colours. I’m not sure why race needs to be brought into it.

Religion and culture are not an excuse to allow abuse or sexist behaviors. Look at yourself.

This!! If anything it's more ignorant to say "oh this practice is fine because they're Muslim". What so mutilation, misogyny and incest are acceptable standards to keep for those people but not us?

The story about the two embryos is rubbish btw, the HFEA strictly prohibit this as the law states all children have the right to know who their parent is.

Any practice, such as that you describe, makes this impossible, so is not permitted under the regulations.

@AnaNimmity
In the UK maybe...

If the OP was conceived in the UK, she may not have been.