To be upset that I was not told I was breast fed by my aunt?

[Evieanne]

So in my family’s religion and culture, breast feeding a baby who isn’t yours still forms kinship and re establishes part of who you cannot marry and who you’re allowed alone with from the opposite sex even within family and who can help marry you off.

In my case, as a baby I was Breast fed by my dad’s sister and I became my aunt’s milk daughter and I am the milk sibling to all of her aunt’s children - so my cousins from my aunty, through me being breast fed, became immediate family to me and are just like my biological siblings. so her male children can no longer marry me and can be alone with me and can be my guardian when I marry as they are considered my brothers.

So it is a huge thing in my family’s religion.

It took my parents a while to conceive, and they used a clinic to finally have me. There were concerns as to whether I was biologically both of my parent’s daughter, but they loved me anyway and said they didn’t want to know. My mum breast fed me a couple times just in case I wasn’t biologically hers and kept me bottle fed after that, so I know I am the mahram of her brothers and her dad. My aunt breast fed me when my parents took me to Pakistan as a baby to make sure there was no way I wasn’t blood family to my aunties and uncles on my dad’s side because my parents are related and there was no cheating, they were wanting to protect family ties. I don’t know why they just didn’t do a dna test.

But they kept this from me and I found out because my mum and my aunt had an argument about it and I was told by my mum I couldn’t be alone with any of cousins from my dad’s side unless female and I asked what about the cousins from this aunt who breast fed me, they’re my brothers ffs!!

Thank you. But I won't be posting on this thread anymore. Probably not on the forum at all in fact. The sheer viciousness shown by some posters! And ignorance! Such as the poster who said women get nothing in divorce under Sharia law. Then the law isn't being applied properly! The Quran and God are all anyone needs. Actually, all 3 Holy Books are what anyone needs. Perhaps we (my family and extended family - I have 45 cousins just from one side and 11 on the other!!) don't encounter these problems because we're moderate, the communities we mix in are moderate (although where I live now, the majority of my friends are not Muslim due to there not being many Muslims and we have great fun and laughs) and we have always been moderate. The only times we have been involved in politics as such, is when injustice is done. And yes. The elders all wrote against that fatwa written about Salman Rushdie because it was just wrong! But me explaining about that fatwa and saying he was looking for fame, because he was by his own admission, is victim blaming! For goodness sake!

My white, Christian husband has told me over and over that no good will ever come from me trying to explain about moderate, peaceful Islam, as practiced by billions of people, because all that Westerners care about are their own preconceived ideas of lslam and nothing will change their minds! But I still feel that if one person can be brought to see that we aren't all crazed extremists baying for infidel blood, then perhaps it's worth it 🌹

We were brought up equally. Boys weren't allowed to go out and about willy nilly but had to ask if it was okay, just as girls did.

And that would be equal if it finished there, but it doesn't.

Boys grow up to be able to go where they want without asking permission / approval from a partner as an adult.

Girls grow up to be required to ask for permission / approval from a partner (as an adult) to go where they want.

The expectation is that females should ask their male partner for that permission, but the same is not true in reverse.

It is not therefore equal.

The elders all wrote against that fatwa written about Salman Rushdie because it was just wrong! But me explaining about that fatwa and saying he was looking for fame, because he was by his own admission, is victim blaming! For goodness sake!

He was no more "looking for fame" than anyone who publishes a book. He was not looking to be threatened or attacked. But you are talking like he had it coming, like he did something wrong.

Why would I read this Lapidus when I have the words of Allah from the Quran.

@MakeMineAdoubleChocolate

all very well and good.

But yesterday I was chatting to a Muslim woman I met in the park, wearing an abaya. She was there with her two little boys, and had brought them out specifically because her doctor has told them they need to spend time in the sun because they are deficient in vitamin d. I asked her if she was ok, no, turns out she is also deficient in vitamin d although she takes supplements. “It’s ok though “ she said, “ my husband has said I don’t need to cover my hands when I come to the park”. I wonder if her husband is deficient in vitamin d, I wonder if he realises how a deficiency in vitamin d will affect his children and his wife’s health now and in the future. I wonder how many other Muslim women who are expected, or choose, to cover up, and who also expect their very young daughters to dress modestly with a hijab, long sleeves and covered legs, realise how this can damage their health.

Bit much to say as there is a book about Mary all women should be sanctity. The only reason the 14 year old pregnant mary was accepted by Islam and Christianity is by saying she was a virgin (ignoring her 28 or 30 year old betrothed or cheating). Had she not been a virgin she would be a whore just like all the white girls in Rotherham and all the other cities, think there have been 5 Pakistani men grooming gangs now. It absolutely is a fundamental belief of Islam that girls who are not Muslim are fair game.

Also saying Rushdie brought it on hims3lf by writing a book is yet more coercive control. Keep in line or we will kill you! Wtf!

That's sad, I hope she manages to leave her husband some day.

@JoanOfAllTrades Whether you belive it or not it is Sharia Law which is the Islamic law, in the event of divorce, the wife is entitled to maintenance for a limited period of approximately three months, i.e. the iddat period, that's in case she is carrying a child or husband changes his mind, she is forbidden to marry in those 3 months, after that she is owed nothing. The man can remarry at any time, in the case she gets married after 3 months all children are removed from her, even if they are younger than 7, she can keep them under 7 if she doesn't remmary, thats the law from God, its irrelevant if some ppl don't follow it. The only two Islamic countries that uphold sharia is Saudi and Iran, but many muslim countries implement some of the laws that suit the male society.

A muslim Man can divorce his wife, all he has to say is Talaq three times, do you think Women have the same power to divorce? they have to apply for divorce through the sharia courts. Many muslims are now having access to Islamic studies compared to their previous generations who relied soley on what the Imam at their local mosque told them. No one has said Muslim ppl are evil or bad, there's good and bad in every society, but one can critique the book without being accused of hate.

As for the battles the Prophet and his sahaba partcipated in, it wasn't self defence as you claim it. Are you denying that Islam was spread throught the sword? This is what inspired ISIS, they wanted to recreate the Prophet's khalifa. He captured cities, they either submit to Islam or choose death, took their women as slaves.

One of the Prophet's wife was a slave girl aged 17 Safiyya, killed her husband and father, then "married" her. Similar to what happened to many Yazidi Women. Age for marriage in Sharia law is when a girl menstruates, which can be as young as 8. Yes, it's not palatable to many modern muslims, who try and put a modern spin on what doesn't align with modern day, but no shcolar will tell you the Prophet was wrong to marry Aisha aged 6/9.

Do men need guardians? In marriage do men need to bring their Wali to give them away? Women do, even a male child can be a Wali for a Woman, it shows you how she isn't equal even to her own 10 yr old male child. Isn't one man enough to be a witness compared to two women, one man's word is enough, is that equality? In inheritance a male child can block the men in the family to inherit, yet if a girl is the only child or the man leaves just daughters, the uncles get to inherit.

Surely as a Muslim woman you have to have a Muslim husband?

That’s all you go from OP’s post?

You have “ close Pakistani/black/etc friends” is never a good enough reason. Never. You do know you don’t actually know the culture just because you’ve friends from it, right?

Very helpful to the OP.

I would be bother. It’s not worth it .

Do you have anything helpful to say?

Do you need help?

I mean yo the OP obviously. 🙄

I’m full of guilt for doing something so normal. I have a good outcome for the house and got the tenancy through, I was approved for it but god I’m feeling like I’m betraying my family! I feel like I shouldn’t be doing this, I feel like I’m abandoning them

Good luck with everything. I know we tend to blame religion for a lot but culture complicates religion too.

Your family are abusive, or at least your mother is. You don't owe then anything.

No, you don’t need to feel guilty. You are an adult and you do not have to continue living with your parents. You have left to avoid physical and psychological abuse. If anyone in your wider family tries to tell you that what you’re doing in wrong, tell them you have no intention in staying somewhere you were being beaten. If they try to minimise the issue, shrug and say it’s not there decision because they aren’t the person who had to live it.

Once the dust settles you might even find relationships with your family improve. And you may be able to offer a safe acceptable place for your younger siblings to spend some time if they need an escape from your parents sometimes.

Good luck @Evieanne

You're an adult moving out, millions of people do this every year all over the world. It is a big deal but completely normal.

You are NOT abandoning your family

I think what’s complicating it is I also have a learning difficulty so my mum helps me iron my work clothes and takes me to and from work, I feel guilty because I think what if they think I have thrown this all back in their faces and they think I don’t appreciate any of it. And they don’t expect us to pay rent either because they don’t believe in it as they want us to save up for our own mortgaged home.

Your mum also beat you with wires, no amount of ironing will make up for that.

If your parents want you to save up for a mortgage, then they must believe you to be capable of earning enough money to pay for that. I think you are probably capable of far more than you realize. I suspect that your mother knows this too, but for some reason it suits her to keep you at home and reliant on her.

I appreciate that you have a learning difficulty, but you are also able to express yourself clearly and organize your thoughts in order to post on here. That means something.

If it helps you to feel more confident, you could learn to do your own ironing (YouTube is your friend here, there is a video for nearly everything!), and make a plan for getting to work, It might mean asking someone to help you find out the numbers and times of buses, and the prices of the fares, but once you know exactly what you need to do and when, it will seem easier. Once you have been managing for a couple of weeks alone, you will look back and wonder what you were so worried about.

Some parents do prefer to keep their children dependent on them for a very long time, but that doesn't mean they are right, or that the children shouldn't assert their independence. I have a child about your age, and while I will miss him when he moves out, I will also be proud of having helped him to start his own independent adult life.