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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to apologise to my 4 yo dd?

140 replies

StEtienne93 · 15/08/2023 08:49

Just wanted to gauge other opinions on this. I have a 4 year old dd and we recently went on holiday with my sister. On one of the days dd was a bit of a handful. She's usually very good, but on this day she was whiny, stroppy and just bloody irritating all day. I ended up snapping at her quite harshly over something small (due to the build up all day) so went for a 5 min walk on my own to gather myself. When I came back, I sat down with dd and apologised for snapping. I explained that she'd been testing my patience all day and I hadn't just snapped over this small thing, it was a build up of everything. Dd said she was sorry to and we agreed that we'd both
try and have a better day the next.

Later on when dd had gone to bed, my sister said that I should never apologise to her under any circumstance. She said it makes me look like a weak parent and I'm undermining myself by doing so.

We're back from holiday now, and the rest of the holiday went smoothly, but I keep wondering if she's right? Maybe I shouldn't have apologised? I just feel that by apologising, I'm showing dd that everyone makes mistakes and that's OK, but you should own it and make amends. So do you think iwbu for apologising to my daughter?

OP posts:
YallaYallaaa · 15/08/2023 08:52

It sounds like you dealt with it really well.

Your sister is batshit.

Lkahsvtv · 15/08/2023 08:54

Your approach is right in my opinion; you’re teaching your child that we all have breaking points and that it’s ok to apologise after. I think that’s the right example and what I’d want to teach my children.

FloweryName · 15/08/2023 08:55

Your approach is way better than your sisters. How are children supposed to learn ways of dealing with their own emotions and how to apologise when needed if they’re taught that adults don’t need to do it?

Poorlilthing · 15/08/2023 08:56

Op - come on now. Seriously?

Ostryga · 15/08/2023 08:56

Your sister sounds horrible!

I always apologise to Dd when I’ve snapped at her or shouted. Once we’ve calmed down I explain why I was upset and what the issue was.

My mother was like your sister and I cannot stand the woman. I only spend time with her when forced to now.

1967buglet · 15/08/2023 08:57

You are an awesome parent. You did just right. You are teaching your child empathy.

Original poster
StEtienne93 · 15/08/2023 09:00

Poorlilthing · 15/08/2023 08:56

Op - come on now. Seriously?

???

OP posts:
Poorlilthing · 15/08/2023 09:05

StEtienne93 · 15/08/2023 09:00

???

Show quote history

You are a grown assed woman

You have been a parent for 4 years

you apologised to your child. And because your sister says you should never apologise to a child - you doubt yourself

surely, surely you know that you this wasn’t wrong

Strangeish · 15/08/2023 09:06

I think as long as you didnt accept all the blame then it's completely the right thing to do

Theres a difference between "I'm sorry, you did nothing wrong" to "I'm sorry I shouted, I should have delt with it differently"

Honestly one of the biggest things we role model to our kids is emotional regulation. It's really good for them to have examples of what to do in those situations, and how you recover when it goes to far. You would want your kid to know how to backtrack when they realise they've lost it

When I was doing training around relationship therapy, the biggest thing was always about the focus on repair. The event tends to matter much less, than how people come together afterwards to apologise and figure out a way to move on

RudsyFarmer · 15/08/2023 09:06

I think in the circumstances you describe that sounds fine. Ignore your sister.

StressedToDeathhhh · 15/08/2023 09:08

Why would you even consider your sister might be right? If she said the sky was green would you doubt that too? She's clearly ridiculous and the way you dealt with it is totally normal

babbscrabbs · 15/08/2023 09:09

Obviously yanbu, what's more concerning is that you are doubting yourself

OnGoldenPond · 15/08/2023 09:10

Crikey no! Your DSIS sounds like she thinks parents are at war with their DC! It is very healthy for parents to apologise to their DC if they haven't been fair to them. It shows them that they deserve respect and that adults aren't perfect. The way you handled this was great and you sound to have a lovely respectful relationship with your DC.

I had a friend who came out with this nonsense when my DD was a toddler. Apparently her psychologist sister told her! I ignored her advice and both DC grew up to be lovely well adjusted adults! Smile

Original poster
StEtienne93 · 15/08/2023 09:12

Poorlilthing · 15/08/2023 09:05

You are a grown assed woman

You have been a parent for 4 years

you apologised to your child. And because your sister says you should never apologise to a child - you doubt yourself

surely, surely you know that you this wasn’t wrong

Show quote history

I think it's good to question yourself, especially when it comes to parenting.

The holiday was over a month ago now and i hadn't thought about it since. Then yesterday I apologised to dd again for something, but I could hear my sisters voice in the back of head telling me I shouldn't. I agree and i don't think I'm wrong to apologise, but thought I'd gauge opinion because it's obviously in the back of my mind.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 15/08/2023 09:49

In these circumstances, that is fine. As a PP said, as long as you aren't accepting all the blame for the situation - your daughter's behaviour was bad, and she knows that and apologised too, and you moved on the next day. That sounds like modelling healthy behaviour and learning to admit when you have messed up.
What would your sister say if you accidentally opened a door in DD face? Or slipped and dropped a glass of water on her (yep I have done both of those)? Are you meant to not apologise for that? Of course adults are meant to apologise.

Enko · 15/08/2023 09:52

If you don't model the behaviour you want from your child. How do you expect then yo learn?

watcherintherye · 15/08/2023 09:58

Later on when dd had gone to bed, my sister said that I should never apologise to her under any circumstance. She said it makes me look like a weak parent and I'm undermining myself by doing so.

Your sister’s talking rubbish, but at least she didn’t do it in front of your dd, so credit to her for that!

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/08/2023 10:00

Surely you already know what you did was right?

Bbq1 · 15/08/2023 10:02

StEtienne93 · 15/08/2023 09:00

???

Show quote history

People ask what appear to be really obvious questions all the time on Aibu. They ask if they abu and you think, do you really need to ask that? However, tbf maybe a few people really aren't confident enough to feel sure without asking others opinions. Some op's are probably just looking for validation.

caringcarer · 15/08/2023 10:15

FloweryName · 15/08/2023 08:55

Your approach is way better than your sisters. How are children supposed to learn ways of dealing with their own emotions and how to apologise when needed if they’re taught that adults don’t need to do it?

This. You taught your DD that we all have breaking points but it's right to apologise for shouting.

Poorlilthing · 15/08/2023 13:13

StEtienne93 · 15/08/2023 09:12

I think it's good to question yourself, especially when it comes to parenting.

The holiday was over a month ago now and i hadn't thought about it since. Then yesterday I apologised to dd again for something, but I could hear my sisters voice in the back of head telling me I shouldn't. I agree and i don't think I'm wrong to apologise, but thought I'd gauge opinion because it's obviously in the back of my mind.

Show quote history

If you question yourself about this, you will spend the vast majority of your parenting questioning yourself

Sandysandwich · 15/08/2023 13:23

Your sister is wrong.
You should apologise to anybody if the situation warrants it, in the rest of her life she is not going to be choosing who to apologise to based on whether they are an authority over her or not.
Its the sort of attitude that makes awful bosses and managers and people who think others need to be 'deserving' of your apology for reasons beside having been hurt by you.

Its good to teach her that its good when people admit their mistakes, take ownership of them and make amends.
Only arseholes don't apologise when they do something wrong.

10HailMarys · 15/08/2023 13:29

Sounds like you approached it really well to me. You apologised for shouting/snapping, but you didn’t back down on the fact that your daughter had behaved badly all day and explained why something that seemed small to her was the last straw for you. That seems very sensible and your daughter now has a better understanding of the whole situation (and probably really respects you for having a proper grown-up conversation with her about both her feelings and yours).

Shurleyknot · 15/08/2023 13:31

YOu did the correct thing. Your sister is a nutter.

Sameshitdifferentdayx · 15/08/2023 13:33

Take no notice of your sister and stop doubting yourself.

By the sounds of things you handled the situation very well.

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