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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to apologise to my 4 yo dd?

140 replies

StEtienne93 · 15/08/2023 08:49

Just wanted to gauge other opinions on this. I have a 4 year old dd and we recently went on holiday with my sister. On one of the days dd was a bit of a handful. She's usually very good, but on this day she was whiny, stroppy and just bloody irritating all day. I ended up snapping at her quite harshly over something small (due to the build up all day) so went for a 5 min walk on my own to gather myself. When I came back, I sat down with dd and apologised for snapping. I explained that she'd been testing my patience all day and I hadn't just snapped over this small thing, it was a build up of everything. Dd said she was sorry to and we agreed that we'd both
try and have a better day the next.

Later on when dd had gone to bed, my sister said that I should never apologise to her under any circumstance. She said it makes me look like a weak parent and I'm undermining myself by doing so.

We're back from holiday now, and the rest of the holiday went smoothly, but I keep wondering if she's right? Maybe I shouldn't have apologised? I just feel that by apologising, I'm showing dd that everyone makes mistakes and that's OK, but you should own it and make amends. So do you think iwbu for apologising to my daughter?

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 16/08/2023 07:30

It is great to model saying' sorry'. Or kids learn from us and need to understand we are not perfect. They also need to know that their behaviour can have an impact on how we are feeling and reacting to them. Someone once said to me that I should not let my children see me cry, but why not? We should not hide these feelings.
It was a great opportunity to apologise for your reaction but at the same time explain the reasons for it. Great parenting.

M103 · 16/08/2023 07:33

I think you did the right thing as well in those circumstances. I have a parent that never apologised. Our relationship is not great (admittedly, people that never admit mistakes or apologise tend to have other flaws as well, so it's not just the apologising that is the problem!).

Sceptre86 · 16/08/2023 07:36

My dh would apologise, I wouldn't. You have to have confidence in your own parenting and be able to tell others to butt out when their advice is not wanted or needed.

MrsRachelDanvers · 16/08/2023 07:36

How is apologising for bad behaviour a weakness? What you did is leading by example.

Spanielsarepainless · 16/08/2023 07:36

My father never apologises. Always blames someone else for his bad behaviour. As long as your daughter understands, good for you.

Feraldogmum · 16/08/2023 07:41

You've just given a four year old power over you ,given her permission to act up and taught her there's no real repercussions for badvbehaviour.
Good luck for the future.

Gh12345 · 16/08/2023 07:58

Yeah your sister will probably pay the price when her kids are older and don’t know how to apologise for anything.

if anyone reads any good parenting book/all the advice etc. it will say that the example has to be set by the parent, so you apologising was a good thing and also teaches them how to deal with emotions but understand their behaviour was wrong.

YukoandHiro · 16/08/2023 07:59

You are right.

Your sister has a weird borderline abusive mentality about children.

Gh12345 · 16/08/2023 07:59

Feraldogmum · 16/08/2023 07:41

You've just given a four year old power over you ,given her permission to act up and taught her there's no real repercussions for badvbehaviour.
Good luck for the future.

Why would anyone take this advice?

YukoandHiro · 16/08/2023 08:01

Feraldogmum · 16/08/2023 07:41

You've just given a four year old power over you ,given her permission to act up and taught her there's no real repercussions for badvbehaviour.
Good luck for the future.

Alternatively: this is exactly how we end up with narcissistic bullies in the workplace. Life isn't a power game.

Elaina87 · 16/08/2023 08:06

You did the right thing! Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. We are the first generation to apologise to our children when we are in the wrong and our children will be better for it and our relationships will be stronger.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2023 08:09

I walked on eggshells and apologised for my shadow as a child. This is different and you are modelling good behaviour. Your sister is 100% in the wrong. I had parents, who never apologised for anything. I once got a sorry if as an adult. That is about as far as I will ever get and it took a long time to be extricated whilst I was holding a boundary.

Elaina87 · 16/08/2023 08:10

Feraldogmum · 16/08/2023 07:41

You've just given a four year old power over you ,given her permission to act up and taught her there's no real repercussions for badvbehaviour.
Good luck for the future.

Absolute rubbish. Maybe speak to some child psychologists/read up on the most effective and right ways to treat children. We aren't in the Victorian times.

anotheranotheranotheranother · 16/08/2023 08:11

I don't think you were wrong to apologise but tbh I think the way you did it was pretty crap.

I explained that she'd been testing my patience all day and I hadn't just snapped over this small thing, it was a build up of everything. Dd said she was sorry to and we agreed that we'd both try and have a better day the next.

Instead of apologising for snapping at her you literally placed all of the blame on to her and said you only did it because of how she behaved, and she ended up apologising to you. That's not really an apology from you to her for the snapping.

It's a 'you made me do it' poor reasoning and if that happened between adults everyone would say so too. You don't apologise whilst laying blame.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2023 08:11

YukoandHiro · 16/08/2023 08:01

Alternatively: this is exactly how we end up with narcissistic bullies in the workplace. Life isn't a power game.

Show quote history

Yes, or people, who have zero confidence in themselves or their capacity. It’s taken to my 50s to understand what a formidable woman I am. I am very caring of others needs but lament what I could have done with that power in my 20s and 30s.

Elaina87 · 16/08/2023 08:12

Sceptre86 · 16/08/2023 07:36

My dh would apologise, I wouldn't. You have to have confidence in your own parenting and be able to tell others to butt out when their advice is not wanted or needed.

You can have confidence when you've behaved reasonably.... but you can also apologise when you haven't, it doesn't undermine you. It helps build a stronger relationship in the long run, which sadly your dh will probably have more than you will.

LlamaFace19 · 16/08/2023 08:12

Your approach is totally correct IMO. I also have a 4 year old DD who can be very testing, as all 4 year olds can be. I do sometimes snap/raise my voice but I always apologise afterwards. It is teaching your child empathy and how to admit your mistakes.

maddening · 16/08/2023 08:14

Yanbu, it is modelling the ability to admit mistakes, own your fault and apologise- based on other threads (the dropped baby one as an example) there are alot of people who could do with that!

Elaina87 · 16/08/2023 08:14

anotheranotheranotheranother · 16/08/2023 08:11

I don't think you were wrong to apologise but tbh I think the way you did it was pretty crap.

I explained that she'd been testing my patience all day and I hadn't just snapped over this small thing, it was a build up of everything. Dd said she was sorry to and we agreed that we'd both try and have a better day the next.

Instead of apologising for snapping at her you literally placed all of the blame on to her and said you only did it because of how she behaved, and she ended up apologising to you. That's not really an apology from you to her for the snapping.

It's a 'you made me do it' poor reasoning and if that happened between adults everyone would say so too. You don't apologise whilst laying blame.

You're right .. but she's on the right lines which needs to be encouraged. None of us are perfect and the child does still need to understand what it was they were doing wrong.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 16/08/2023 08:16

No YANBU. It's really important for adults to admit when they've behaved unreasonably to children.

Don't ever change your boundaries around what's acceptable and not, but stay in control of yourself when you deliver them. If you lapse, apologise.

JanieEyre · 16/08/2023 08:35

Your sister's an idiot. Children are not stupid, they can tell when an adult is in the right and when they aren't. If the adult doesn't apologise when they're in the wrong, children will just lose respect for them.

Snail92 · 16/08/2023 08:57

100% agree you did the right thing. How are children meant to learn to apologise if we don’t show them how to? It doesn’t show weakness at all, in fact the opposite!

willWillSmithsmith · 16/08/2023 09:16

Speaking as someone who was once a child I absolutely think you are correct and your sister is wrong. You must of course choose wisely what merits an apology as some parents go overboard apologising for every little scolding.

I would really have appreciated an apology from my parents when they were in the wrong about some of the scoldings I got even when I was five just for behaving like a child.

stichguru · 16/08/2023 09:22

Your sister is seriously wrong. If you did wrong you apologise. Apologising for mistakes when you make them is right and good, whoever the mistake affects - your kid, your partner, your superior, your friend. Plus if you model not apologising, your kids will have a hard time learning to apologise themselves. Your sister sounds unpleasant to be honest - I mean not apologising to your subordinates sounds like the first step to justifying abuse or mistreatment. You know the "this person DESERVES my wrath, because I am stronger, older, wiser, have a more honourable sex or coloured skin, etc"

willWillSmithsmith · 16/08/2023 09:25

Feraldogmum · 16/08/2023 07:41

You've just given a four year old power over you ,given her permission to act up and taught her there's no real repercussions for badvbehaviour.
Good luck for the future.

That’s nonsense. Yes if she apologised every time when it isn’t merited but an apology when you feel you were wrong or too heavy handed is the right thing to do. I would have very much appreciated an apology in those circumstances.