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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to apologise to my 4 yo dd?

140 replies

StEtienne93 · 15/08/2023 08:49

Just wanted to gauge other opinions on this. I have a 4 year old dd and we recently went on holiday with my sister. On one of the days dd was a bit of a handful. She's usually very good, but on this day she was whiny, stroppy and just bloody irritating all day. I ended up snapping at her quite harshly over something small (due to the build up all day) so went for a 5 min walk on my own to gather myself. When I came back, I sat down with dd and apologised for snapping. I explained that she'd been testing my patience all day and I hadn't just snapped over this small thing, it was a build up of everything. Dd said she was sorry to and we agreed that we'd both
try and have a better day the next.

Later on when dd had gone to bed, my sister said that I should never apologise to her under any circumstance. She said it makes me look like a weak parent and I'm undermining myself by doing so.

We're back from holiday now, and the rest of the holiday went smoothly, but I keep wondering if she's right? Maybe I shouldn't have apologised? I just feel that by apologising, I'm showing dd that everyone makes mistakes and that's OK, but you should own it and make amends. So do you think iwbu for apologising to my daughter?

OP posts:
AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 16/08/2023 09:45

Adults aren't perfect or right all of the time, so it stands to reason that there will be times when they owe kids around them an apology.

LanaL · 16/08/2023 10:38

You absolutely did the right thing . I’m sorry but people like your sister get me angry - because your daughter is 4 she is not worthy of an apology? This is how you teach children how to be accountable for their actions !
I always apologise to my children when I snap and do you know what - now , when they are a bit grumpy or act out they think about me and come to me later and say “ sorry if I was a bit grumpy , it was because …” then they explain the feelings that led to their behaviour which then means they are recognising and dealing with those feelings !

Well done OP for being an excellent parent x

ManchesterLu · 16/08/2023 10:56

I wish my mum had done this when I was younger. Instead I just had to cope with her moods, snapping, always thinking it was my fault. I'm not sure she will understand completely at 4 that things got on top of you - however if you keep doing it whenever it happens as she grows, that will help her understand.

CrunchyButCaffeinated · 16/08/2023 11:41

Your sister sounds very 1950s! We know better now, so we do better. Kids need empathy and to be treated as people. I try to always apologise to my LOs if I act unreasonably. You sound a much better parent than her. Does she have kids?!

Monster80 · 16/08/2023 11:59

You did exactly the right thing, apologising to kids when we get something wrong makes us accountable and also underlines that children and adults make mistakes, with actions taken to correct those if we have hurt or upset someone. You were accountable - not weak.

Sceptre86 · 16/08/2023 12:01

@Elaina87 I was referring to the op having confidence in her parenting and telling people to butt out if necessary. Her sister parents dofferently to her which is fair enough but she shouldn't be telling op that her approach is wrong.

You can get off your high horse. I tend to deal with issues with my kids as they arise rather than letting them build and blow my fuse. So we speak about the issue before it even gets to a point where I'd be that angry or annoyed.

Genericusername3 · 16/08/2023 12:31

I wonder if your sister has kids of her own? If you’ve mentioned that at any point I’ve missed it sorry.

I grew up with parents who never once (to my memory) apologised to me. I then had issues myself in apologising to others. Since having my DS4 I have always apologised to him, as from my experience and more recent research it’s the repair of a situation that is the most important.

I apologise to him but if he has done something he shouldn’t I don’t back down on that point. I simply apologise for my own actions / reactions, such as if I do snap at him like in your scenario. I definitely feel our relationship is stronger for it, and that I’m modelling to him that it is actually okay to admit to our own mistakes and apologise for them.

I think you totally did the right thing so please don’t doubt your instincts.

They are not children for long, one day they will be grown adults who will remember how we treated them as children. And above all they are human beings, who yes do need to be guided, but also need to be treated with the same respect we would (hopefully) expect to treat any other human being, adult or not.

Herejusttocomment · 16/08/2023 12:38

If you make a mistake, by all means apologise to your children. Lead by example.
If you also learn the steps of a good apology, even better 👌

WaltzingWaters · 16/08/2023 12:46

It sounds like you did the right thing and are teaching your daughter to say sorry when necessary. As long as you still said it was due to her behaviour that day that you snapped so she can accept some blame too.
Your sis sounds extremely harsh. Don’t apologise for giving your children consequences to bad behaviour when needed, but apologising for snapping at them shows them that shouting isn’t acceptable.

BottomFishBananas · 16/08/2023 12:57

I apologise to my young daughters if I have made a mistake, and like you I explain why. They are learning to own their actions and be empathetic to others.

Miteraeuryale · 16/08/2023 13:40

how are we supposed to teach kids to apologise for f-ing up if we don’t model that behaviour ourselves? Your sister clearly doesn’t know what she’s talking about, and you were right to apologise.

toomuchleopardprintforanintrovert · 16/08/2023 13:40

When our children shout or snap at us we expect them to apologise. Which means we need to lead by example and apologise when we snap. You explained why you had snapped. She knew she was ultimately at fault but that your reaction warranted an explanation.

Sound like you dealt with it perfectly 👌

gabsdot45 · 16/08/2023 14:24

I always apologize to my kids when I act badly.
Its the best was to teach them to apologize when necessary.
It sounds like you acted very well.

Bikesandbees · 16/08/2023 15:09

My father never ever apologised to me to any of his outbursts or mistakes, and I’m still angry about that in adulthood.

I always apologise to my kids if I lose my temper, or even just speak too sharply. They deserve the same respect we would expect from them.

TheGoogleMum · 16/08/2023 15:12

No it would be unfair to not apologise if you felt you had done something wrong. That's the better lesson for DD. I have apologised to my DD

Lolacat1234 · 16/08/2023 15:28

Absolutely the right thing to do. I've had to apologise to my feisty 4 year old DD many times. We're only human at the end of the day, we have to model the behaviour we want to see in our children. It's not weak to admit you might not have got it right, it's actually very self aware and a strength in my opinion.

Waterweir · 16/08/2023 22:35

A former Headteacher told me about the value of an apology to an overwrought student. Being able to apologise is such a valuable tool.
Many countries and legal and educational systems are investing in restorative approaches to justice so that all parties, very much including children feel heard.

WishingOnAStar86 · 17/08/2023 08:48

Your sister sounds ridiculous. You apologise when you do something wrong, that's how kids learn to apologise, duh. As whiney as she was, you shouldn't have shouted or whatever it was that made you feel like it was wrong, so you did the right thing and apologised and explained why you reacted that way. You're teaching your dd the same when she does something wrong. She may have been whinging but your reaction was wrong and you owned it.

I hope she doesn't have children if that's what she's teaching them. What a horrible attitude and life lesson to teach. Silly.

WishingOnAStar86 · 17/08/2023 08:55

I also think it's worth showing her this thread. I haven't read all 5 pages but most of them and not one comment is in agreement with her.. lol

Doone21 · 17/08/2023 18:22

You are modelling good behaviour. Nothing wrong with teaching someone to apologise. Did it need an apology though, maybe your sister thought you were absolutely right to shout at her.
Another side of it would be you are also (by shouting) teaching her the consequences of her naughty behaviour, which is that you get cross and shouty and if she wants to avoid a repeat she should behave better. That's also a valid real world lesson in why you shouldn't go round winding people up. In real life outside the home she's going to face nasty things happening if she does that.

toxic44 · 17/08/2023 18:53

I think you are 100% correct. My mother never apologised, even when she was blatantly in the wrong. I had to apologise whether I was wrong or not. She passed many years ago and I still resent the injustice.

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 17/08/2023 18:59

I always apologise to my kids if I need to, I expect them to do the same to me or others so shouldn't hold back from doing it myself.
Your not weak but admitting you were wrong !, yours sisters crazy

CPRMummy · 17/08/2023 19:02

You were absolutely right to apologize. Children need to see parents realising they're wrong and doing the right thing by apologising to do it themselves. You'd expect your daughter to apologise if she did wrong, correct? Manners apply to everyone.

MaryShelley1818 · 17/08/2023 19:08

I think you handled it perfectly. I would always apologise when wrong to DS5 and DD2. It models good behaviour and an understanding that people make mistakes and forgive each other.

midlifemaid · 17/08/2023 19:09

You absolutely did the right thing. It’s so important to model emotions, big emotions, managing them, getting it wrong and making mistakes and responding helpfully to that. It’s how children learn.