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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to apologise to my 4 yo dd?

140 replies

StEtienne93 · 15/08/2023 08:49

Just wanted to gauge other opinions on this. I have a 4 year old dd and we recently went on holiday with my sister. On one of the days dd was a bit of a handful. She's usually very good, but on this day she was whiny, stroppy and just bloody irritating all day. I ended up snapping at her quite harshly over something small (due to the build up all day) so went for a 5 min walk on my own to gather myself. When I came back, I sat down with dd and apologised for snapping. I explained that she'd been testing my patience all day and I hadn't just snapped over this small thing, it was a build up of everything. Dd said she was sorry to and we agreed that we'd both
try and have a better day the next.

Later on when dd had gone to bed, my sister said that I should never apologise to her under any circumstance. She said it makes me look like a weak parent and I'm undermining myself by doing so.

We're back from holiday now, and the rest of the holiday went smoothly, but I keep wondering if she's right? Maybe I shouldn't have apologised? I just feel that by apologising, I'm showing dd that everyone makes mistakes and that's OK, but you should own it and make amends. So do you think iwbu for apologising to my daughter?

OP posts:
Startyabastard · 15/08/2023 22:47

Lkahsvtv · 15/08/2023 08:54

Your approach is right in my opinion; you’re teaching your child that we all have breaking points and that it’s ok to apologise after. I think that’s the right example and what I’d want to teach my children.

100% the best way. I come from.alot of abuse and would have felt alot better with things if my parents would have said that. You aren't indulging in behaviour.

TeenLifeMum · 15/08/2023 22:49

I’ve apologised to my dc for being short tempered. They need to learn accountability.

Gatehouse77 · 15/08/2023 22:49

I totally disagree with your sister.

By apologising you are modelling the behaviour you want her to have:

Admitting when you’ve got something wrong.
Accepting responsibility for own actions.
Showing how disagreements can be resolved.
That your love is not conditional on her behaviour. (I.e. unconditional.)
That it is acceptable to lose control but also to accept the consequences.
That your daughter deserves to be treated with the same respect you have.

What your sister is suggesting is dominance and ruling based on heirarchy.

Dirkyone23 · 15/08/2023 22:49

Thank you for your question op, I suppose. This time I have not read any of the other replies. As this is something I feel very strongly about.
What your sister said is exactly and to the detail my resentment with my mother. She never apologized. For me this felt like she thought she was never wrong. Even when I knew for sure she was, I threw evidence in het face, but still, no budge.
This made me make sure whenever I later on realize I might have been in the wrong, I always apologize to my daughter.
And I know for sure it gets you more love and respect. As I have a much older brother who did the opposite. He always, always, came up to my room to apologize. Not because he was always wrong, but because it hurt him that he made me sad. And that still works through our adult live. I apologize for not explaining myself enough, for hurting my loved one, not because I was right, or wrong.
So please, please, apologize and open up the conversation. Mothers sometimes too make mistakes. It makes them human, and aproachable. ❤️ do it. It makes you feel better too.

FunnysInLaJardin · 15/08/2023 22:49

YANBU

I have apologised to my DS's many times when I have been in the wrong or unfair

Its exactly what you should do as a parent

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 15/08/2023 23:18

I absolutely think that saying - sorry for shouting, mummy was a bit cross, is fine and probably a good thing. Sitting down for a full on unburdening of how you've had a difficult day (which is how it comes across) is unreasonable, and makes your child responsible for your feelings. It can also make you child feel insecure, as in you're not a strong safe space with firm cheery boundaries, you're emotional weak shaky ground. I don't think the long involved conversations about why you feel unhappy that day are necessary or your child's responsibility

Snapsnap1 · 15/08/2023 23:26

Your sister sounds like my Mum. My Mum never apologised for anything - when we were kids or even as adults. It's exhausting and I really do have a lot of resentment built up for all the times I had to say sorry just to keep the peace.

I apologise to my kid whenever I do something wrong - because that's just the right thing to do.

Jl2014 · 15/08/2023 23:27

You sister’s parenting style is toxic and totally sends the wrong message.

You did the right thing.

Talkingfrog · 15/08/2023 23:35

It will all depend on the circumstances as to what happened buy I think your approach is better than your sisters.

By explaining in terms appropriate to her age why you shouted and apologising to her she will learn that her actions have consequences, both in relation to how people feel and how people behave.

It will also show her that it is right to own up when you have done something wrong, and that talking about things in a calm way can resolve problems.
By talking as you did both you and your daughter resolved the issue, probably both felt better and could start afresh the next day, without feeling upset about what the other had said or done.
For me that shows you are a stronger person, not a weaker one.

Expecting to be right and not being prepared to admit you are wrong doesn't mean you a strong person, in my eyes it means you are an arrogant one.

BMrs · 15/08/2023 23:40

I always apologise to my children if I feel I acted poorly. It's good for them to learn that adults make mistakes too

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/08/2023 23:43

How many children does your sister have? What are they like?

Onceuponaheartache · 15/08/2023 23:45

Absolutely you didn't hear right thing.

You acknowledged that you behaved badly and explained the reasons why you snapped.

I do this with my dd too as another poster says, it is good for them to know as adults we make mistakes too.

Mirror the behaviour you expect from them.

Koalasparkles · 16/08/2023 00:25

Well done you for setting a good example for your daughter. Don't worry about what is the right thing to do "as a parent" - you're doing the right thing as a human being and your daughter is lucky to learn from that

Gagaandgag · 16/08/2023 01:25

Sounds like you did great. Im always apologising to my kids 😂

TooBigForMyBoots · 16/08/2023 03:05

Lkahsvtv · 15/08/2023 08:54

Your approach is right in my opinion; you’re teaching your child that we all have breaking points and that it’s ok to apologise after. I think that’s the right example and what I’d want to teach my children.

This.^^ I wish more parents behaved this way. Being human, taking responsibility and apologising is healthy and a valuable, if rare,Sad lesson to children.

autienotnaughti · 16/08/2023 04:14

Of course you should apologise if u are rude. How do u expect your child to learn otherwise? Teaching children that they are not deserving of a n apology Ie it's their fault is not a good relationship dynamic to teach.

Segway16 · 16/08/2023 06:11

I think I pressed the wrong button.

your sister is an idiot.

Goldencup · 16/08/2023 06:30

I actually read this in the mumsnet rule book. " you are not too old to apologise, you are too old not to apologise"

user1492757084 · 16/08/2023 07:01

You are right and your sister is wrong to not treat children how she would expect to be treated.
Modelling good behaviour is wise.

Imisssleep2 · 16/08/2023 07:04

100% if you felt you should apologise for an over reaction to that particular thing then you should apologise, it will build a better relationship with your daughter as she gets older, a mutual respect. Ignore your sister, you done it right in my opinion, you apologised and sat down and talked about it and she now understands and also apologized.

We are all allowed to have off days/moments and make mistakes.

panko · 16/08/2023 07:08

How is your kid going to learn to apologise if its never modeled to them?

wearesuceeding · 16/08/2023 07:09

My parents never apologised when we were young. My mum massively struggles even now and her apologies are never genuine.

I always apologise to my kids when it is needed (I over reacted, got angrier than I wanted etc)

I have read many studies where kids benefit from their parents apologising where appropriate

Hocuspocusnonsense · 16/08/2023 07:22

I always apologise to my children if I’m in the wrong. I always have done. I’ve also told them that parents are just people with feelings like them, we can feel happy, sad, angry etc and sometimes we make a bad choice and should say sorry. Being a parent doesn’t mean you’re ‘above’ getting things wrong.

larlypops · 16/08/2023 07:27

I always apologise and explain why if I’ve shouted, that’s a lack of control on my part and I would’ve done the same thing

IndigoLaFaye · 16/08/2023 07:28

My mum never directly apologises for anything, even when she is blatantly in the wrong. She’d rather throw a McDonalds or chocolate bar at the situation.

That coupled with being yelled at when I was young for apologising to her for something via a letter left on my mirror, rather than verbally, has left me struggling with apologies into my adult life.

Always keep the doors of communication open to your kids, including discussing the times when you get it wrong. Much healthier and much more likely to raise a child that will come to you with problems than one that is deceitful. Parent your way, and let your sister parent her way. I bet I know who has the better relationship with their teen/adult kids in the future

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