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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to apologise to my 4 yo dd?

140 replies

StEtienne93 · 15/08/2023 08:49

Just wanted to gauge other opinions on this. I have a 4 year old dd and we recently went on holiday with my sister. On one of the days dd was a bit of a handful. She's usually very good, but on this day she was whiny, stroppy and just bloody irritating all day. I ended up snapping at her quite harshly over something small (due to the build up all day) so went for a 5 min walk on my own to gather myself. When I came back, I sat down with dd and apologised for snapping. I explained that she'd been testing my patience all day and I hadn't just snapped over this small thing, it was a build up of everything. Dd said she was sorry to and we agreed that we'd both
try and have a better day the next.

Later on when dd had gone to bed, my sister said that I should never apologise to her under any circumstance. She said it makes me look like a weak parent and I'm undermining myself by doing so.

We're back from holiday now, and the rest of the holiday went smoothly, but I keep wondering if she's right? Maybe I shouldn't have apologised? I just feel that by apologising, I'm showing dd that everyone makes mistakes and that's OK, but you should own it and make amends. So do you think iwbu for apologising to my daughter?

OP posts:
OlympicProcrastinator · 15/08/2023 13:38

I’m at the other side of this now as I have two grown up children who I apologised to under circumstances similar to you. I can confirm they have learnt to reflect on their behaviour and apologise where necessary. They are emotionally intelligent and wonderful adults.

They never thought I was weak, because I wasn’t. I only apologised when it was needed and I still set firm boundaries. Unless it’s an amazing coincidence it worked well as a parenting tool.

airey · 15/08/2023 13:46

Apologising when needed is an ESSENTIAL part of good parenting.

Read Philippa Perry's book 'The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read' - it explores this stuff brilliantly

Crikey your sister needs to work on her parenting, she's Victorian about it!!

SophieinParis · 15/08/2023 14:03

When my children were that age I remember saying to a friend after a particularly tiring day, “I think I’ve said sorry to my daughter about 8 times today for being irritable!”
Thwyre older now, and very nice children who themselves always apologise, without prompting, if they’ve been rude etc

Poorlilthing · 15/08/2023 15:07

I wouldn’t want your sister ever in sole care of my children as I suspect that this kind of view is indicative of a type of approach to children that I wouldn’t want my children to be subjected to

Lisapop1 · 15/08/2023 21:44

I think you dealt with it perfectly!

bowlingalleyblues · 15/08/2023 21:48

My parents were the ‘never apologise, never explain camp’ and we had a good relationship, I saw them as fairly invincible and respected them. I always apologise, my kids say they like it (now they are old enough to articulate it) and they tend to apologise when they got it wrong too. Who knows?!

Notamum12345577 · 15/08/2023 21:51

StEtienne93 · 15/08/2023 08:49

Just wanted to gauge other opinions on this. I have a 4 year old dd and we recently went on holiday with my sister. On one of the days dd was a bit of a handful. She's usually very good, but on this day she was whiny, stroppy and just bloody irritating all day. I ended up snapping at her quite harshly over something small (due to the build up all day) so went for a 5 min walk on my own to gather myself. When I came back, I sat down with dd and apologised for snapping. I explained that she'd been testing my patience all day and I hadn't just snapped over this small thing, it was a build up of everything. Dd said she was sorry to and we agreed that we'd both
try and have a better day the next.

Later on when dd had gone to bed, my sister said that I should never apologise to her under any circumstance. She said it makes me look like a weak parent and I'm undermining myself by doing so.

We're back from holiday now, and the rest of the holiday went smoothly, but I keep wondering if she's right? Maybe I shouldn't have apologised? I just feel that by apologising, I'm showing dd that everyone makes mistakes and that's OK, but you should own it and make amends. So do you think iwbu for apologising to my daughter?

I don’t fully agree with what your sister said, I do think it is right to apologise if you if done something wrong. But I wouldn’t apologise for snapping if the child was misbehaving. Just my opinion though.

concertgoer · 15/08/2023 21:53

If your immediate behaviour was unreasonable, especially in your own eyes, apologising is the right thing to do!

you didn’t beg for forgiveness, you admitted fault, explained your reasons, presumably pointing out the child’s (& possibly others) faults throughout the day and reflected on the impact of others behaviours on them and yourself.

very sensible! & I hope I’m such a way your 4 year old understands - or will appreciate with reflection that she should be aware of her behaviour.

children aren’t babies or dogs, they’re little people we are supporting into being functioning adults! (Hopefully great ones!) …. Showing emotion and empathy rather than dictatorships is a great way to parent in my opinion. Well done OP !

Caswallonthefox · 15/08/2023 21:57

I grew up with a mother who never apologised when she was wrong, as a result I always have with my ds. I will never understand why people don't, its not difficult to say and mean it. It's not like you are going to lose a limb if you do.
I also believe being able to apologise is a strength because you recognise you made a mistake.

GG1986 · 15/08/2023 22:01

Yup you did the right thing.

llamadrama16 · 15/08/2023 22:05

I always apologise to my kids in those circumstances. If they're having a hard time and I'm letting myself get wound up, it's my responsibility to sort myself out. I make it clear (when I do occasionally snap at them) it's never okay for the people who love you to lash out, no matter how they're behaving.

I spent so much of my childhood walking on eggshells to placate my mothers moods and it set me up for a lot of trouble when I started dating.

You sound like a great Mum who is raising her daughter to expect respect from the people she loves and who love her.

isitshe · 15/08/2023 22:14

It's such an old fashioned idea that you shouldn't apologise to children.
Children are people.

bakewellbride · 15/08/2023 22:15

You dealt with it great, I apologise to my 5 year old loads! It's me modelling putting things right and showing him I don't find it ok or acceptable when I snap or shout at him and that I want to make amends.

Cucucucu · 15/08/2023 22:18

Your sister is wrong and you are 100% right .

floradora · 15/08/2023 22:21

I have been known over the years to apologise to my DD (now nearly 15) for snapping or losing my temper. I have a teen who also frequently apologises to me and acknowledges when she has been emotional of too quick to over-react. She knows I am human, and she knows when she herself has overstepped the mark. Behaviour is communication, and parents model both to their children. YANBU

YouJustDoYou · 15/08/2023 22:29

Teaching children that it's okay to admit when we're wrong, and apologise graciously for it, is a precious skill for them to learn.

Packageholiday · 15/08/2023 22:31

Op read, how to talk so children will listen

ArabeIIaKarenScott · 15/08/2023 22:32

YallaYallaaa · 15/08/2023 08:52

It sounds like you dealt with it really well.

Your sister is batshit.

100%

Serendipitoushedgehog · 15/08/2023 22:34

Later on when dd had gone to bed, my sister said that I should never apologise to her under any circumstance. She said it makes me look like a weak parent and I'm undermining myself by doing so

I think that’s a big difference between how a lot of us were parented and a lot of us are trying to parent. My parents never apologised for anything, ever when we were kids although they have a couple of times more recently. Whereas I would model this to my child if I really thought I had been in the wrong.

CClaire · 15/08/2023 22:35

Assuming this is even genuine, it’s your sis whose parenting ideals should be questioned - not you! Of course we should apologise if we snap at our kids for no justifiable reason.

CClaire · 15/08/2023 22:35

My son is 5 and he’s always apologising to me for his rash behaviour 🤣

Amethys · 15/08/2023 22:36

You did well and your sister is an idiot.

tt9 · 15/08/2023 22:37

if you don't apologise to her, how will she learn how to apologise? and also that you are not above the standards you set for good etiquette

and she is also a human being and deserves respect

I think you absolutely did the right thing!

DeliaOwens · 15/08/2023 22:39

Yes, apologizing to your child when you've been curt over a small incident is a good practice. It teaches them about empathy, communication, and owning up to mistakes, fostering a healthy parent-child relationship built on understanding and respect.

rcat74 · 15/08/2023 22:41

It’s so important that we apologise to our children when we are in the wrong.

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