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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to apologise to my 4 yo dd?

140 replies

StEtienne93 · 15/08/2023 08:49

Just wanted to gauge other opinions on this. I have a 4 year old dd and we recently went on holiday with my sister. On one of the days dd was a bit of a handful. She's usually very good, but on this day she was whiny, stroppy and just bloody irritating all day. I ended up snapping at her quite harshly over something small (due to the build up all day) so went for a 5 min walk on my own to gather myself. When I came back, I sat down with dd and apologised for snapping. I explained that she'd been testing my patience all day and I hadn't just snapped over this small thing, it was a build up of everything. Dd said she was sorry to and we agreed that we'd both
try and have a better day the next.

Later on when dd had gone to bed, my sister said that I should never apologise to her under any circumstance. She said it makes me look like a weak parent and I'm undermining myself by doing so.

We're back from holiday now, and the rest of the holiday went smoothly, but I keep wondering if she's right? Maybe I shouldn't have apologised? I just feel that by apologising, I'm showing dd that everyone makes mistakes and that's OK, but you should own it and make amends. So do you think iwbu for apologising to my daughter?

OP posts:

laylababe5 · 17/08/2023 19:33

I would have done the same thing. Why it is almost expected for parents to treat their kids as sub-human is beyond me. If someone snapped at me I would expect them to apologise. You are modelling the behaviour you want to see in your child, and treating her like a human being. Well done you. This is parenting done right in my opinion. You are doing an awesome job! Whenever anyone gives me unwanted parenting advice I just change the subject.

MysteryBelle · 17/08/2023 20:20

Of course you should apologize to your child when you’re wrong. Your sister is lacking in integrity. It takes a strong person to apologize and admit when she is wrong (conversely it takes a strong person to hold her ground and not apologize when she is in the right).

Also, you are teaching your daughter that a person should admit and apologize when he or she is wrong. And that is wonderful parenting.

So many people are very defensive and refuse to admit they’re wrong about something, big things and little things. Those are the weak people.

Missingpop · 17/08/2023 20:45

i think your sisters approach is very dated. You’ve shown your daughter that sometimes grown up get things wrong too & that when they do they say sorry; it’s teaching her that it’s polite for her to say sorry when she’s in the wrong; I think it’s a really lovely way to bring your child up it’s mutual respect x

itsgettingweird · 17/08/2023 21:01

I don't agree you should never apologise to a child.

But snapping at a child who's been a whiney pita all day also isn't doing something wrong so apologising or not would work imo.

GabriellaFaith · 17/08/2023 21:31

I think you did exactly the right thing. She needs to understand why you snapped and that even though you had good reason, shouting (or other) is never right and so you have said sorry. She needs to learn you are human and that when she looses her temper too, to also apologise. Well done in my eyes.

Mamanyt · 17/08/2023 23:23

In my experience, those who feeI as your sister are far more IikeIy to have kids that "buck the traces," and do not trust their parents nearIy so much as kids whose parents admit a fauIt. I'm wiIIing to bet that if you continue to do as you do, and she continues to do as she does, AND were we to revisit this when the kids are in their Iate teens, we wouId see that you have a far better reIationship with your daughter.

pollymere · 17/08/2023 23:29

Ok... I teach kids of varying ages. I'm their favourite or second favourite teacher. One of the reasons they've given is that I admit screw-ups. I apologize if something is my fault. They can't stand the teachers who blame them for something that isn't their fault. If I've left an essay unmarked or a book at home, if I apologize, they learn that apologizing is the right thing to do. They can witness how apologies and acceptance works.

Of course I've apologized to my teen through the years and by doing so they know how to apologize back. Most recent was a scheduled text about getting hair dye all over the bathroom and not knowing how best to clean it off...

If you're not apologizing you teach them that adults don't say sorry.

oggie679 · 17/08/2023 23:35

I don't think so, I don't apologise to my kids often but when I have done something just like you described in your OP, I will apologise. I think it's important children can see when you should and for what kind of things, sets a good example.

Blondebrunette1 · 18/08/2023 00:29

Poorlilthing · 15/08/2023 13:13

If you question yourself about this, you will spend the vast majority of your parenting questioning yourself

Show quote history

@Poorlilthing why are you belittling someone for caring too much about doing right by their child?! Even if it seems trivial to you, what do you get from going out of your way to tell someone who is questioning themselves, that the way they are/think is an issue? It's not.

Blondebrunette1 · 18/08/2023 00:39

I think you did the right thing from what you described, maybe your sister felt the telling off was justified following your dd's behavior and felt a harsh telling wouldn't hurt?? That said, she's your DD though, it's up to you to decide what's right, you must always follow your own instincts. Xx

AmIEnough · 18/08/2023 05:57

Like others have said, I think you handled the situation admirably! Your daughter needs to know everyone has their limits but equally you’re teaching her to be respectful, to apologise and explain when necessary.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/08/2023 06:20

Your sister is wrong

You got pushed to your limit. Snapped.

Got cross with dd

Who sounds like she deserved it

But

Also good to say sorry you got cross and why which you did

Your dd will learn from this that everyone can say sorry

Doingmybest12 · 18/08/2023 06:35

It is right to apologise when you are in the wrong , but I'm not sure you were in the wrong this time. But we don't really know what you mean by 'harshly' or how your child felt about you going off for a few minutes and leaving her though . I would say you can't be unkind or cruel and apologise your way out of it and then do it again and apologise again.

Inwiththenew · 18/08/2023 14:35

Never apologising is narcissistic. Your approach is 100% right. Children feel valued when you apologise and if you’ve lost your temper it’s important to rectify the balance.

LovelyIssues · 22/08/2023 17:58

Definitely apologise!! You are teaching your daughter everyone makes mistakes and to own it.

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