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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL taking my daughter to lake waterpark

380 replies

YorkshireLucy · 15/08/2023 06:50

So, my DH has taken my children (16 and 13) to visit her for a few days.

I had a message from my 16 year old panicking because grandma has booked a day at a lake doing watersports.

My DD has just had her ears pierced (seconds and tragus so 3 altogether). She was told not to go swimming in the first few weeks and to be careful for a couple of months after that. It is less than two weeks since she had them done. She should especially avoid open water.

Now, grandma has told her she WILL go and she WILL enjoy herself because she's paid over £90 for this.

I'm fuming. She never mentioned this and never asked them to pack swimwear. She's told them to put an old T-shirt and pants on under a wetsuit? They only have nice new clothes with them that will get ruined!

For context my MIL has form for this. She's quite controlling and a bit of a bully. Constantly makes my children feel like crap. She's passive aggressive with me which is why I personally refuse to see her now. But hubby insisted on this trip.

I get she's paid for a fun activity but has completely disregarded my daughters feelings and worries about this. What if her ears get caught on a helmet or worse get infected?

As for my husband, I'll be speaking to him before they go. Can't believe he's not stuck up for her or said anything (well I can, but that's another story). He knows she shouldn't be getting her piercings wet through swimming/activities like this.

AIBU to not want to let them go?

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 15/08/2023 10:36

PinkTonic · 15/08/2023 10:32

Seems a pity she’s prioritising getting multiple piercings over fun activities at that age.

I'm in my mid thirties and would personally never have found the activity she's being told she has to do fun. It's not for me.

Just because something sounds fun to some people doesn't make it so for everyone.

She's prioritising care for the piercing that's already happened and been paid for over an activity someone else has decided will be fun and paid for without her prior knowledge.

That's a perfectly mature, reasonable and sensible priority to opt for.

freetheunicorn1 · 15/08/2023 10:36

Please ignore everyone saying the piercings will be fine, there is absolutely an infection risk!

PurpleButterflyWings · 15/08/2023 10:37

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 15/08/2023 10:11

Well in reality they do, what about school, doctors appointment etc. I get this is a different situation but children can’t just think they can control every situation and not have to do something they don’t want to

Show quote history

It's pretty obvious I mean stuff like the OP is talking about. 🙄 Obviously kids have to go to school, like ADULTS have to go to work.

I was saying no child should be forced to do anything - or GO to anything they don't want to, at ANY age. Not just bloody 16. like what's happening with the OP's daughter ... I never mentioned they shouldn't go to school!

I'm just baffled by the 'they should not be forced to go anywhere at that age' thing that several people have said. As I said, no child, indeed no-ONE should be forced to go anywhere - at ANY age.

JudgeJ · 15/08/2023 10:40

WonderingWanda · 15/08/2023 07:37

I doubt there's any massive risk from wearing the earrings but That's irrelevant if she doesn't want to do the activity. Just transfer the money to mil and tell her they don't want to do it and she should check first before booking, next time you won't be refunding her.

Maybe she had checked with her son, you know, the other parent!

BoogieBoogieWoogie · 15/08/2023 10:41

Bellaboo01 · 15/08/2023 08:40

You can swim when you are on your period.

I am a girl, i've had girls and we travel a lot and always swim. Having a period doesn't stop you from swimming - that is a very old fashioned view!

Show quote history

Just to say I know this is hypothetical but - this is not a swimming trip. Its a waterpark which involved getting in and out of the lake, climbing, jumping etc. Swimming on your period is fine and the water prevents leaks...its the standing/being out of the water which is a problem.
Also a hired wetsuit!

PurpleButterflyWings · 15/08/2023 10:41

@PinkTonic · Today 10:32

Seems a pity she’s prioritising getting multiple piercings over fun activities at that age.

Even if she doesn't have piercings, she still doesn't want to go. Why should she if she doesn't want to? Confused And your idea of fun is not everyone else's.

Me and my 2 adult DC would LOVE a waterpark day - (my kids loved waterparks at all ages,) but it's DH's idea of hell. He never came to anything like that. But he did love woodlands, walking up Mount Snowdon, driving around Snowdonia etc, and beach days. The kids HATED all the nature stuff/driving around and exploring Snowdonia. (As kids.) They love it now!

PurpleButterflyWings · 15/08/2023 10:46

@Bellaboo01

You can swim when you are on your period.

I am a girl, i've had girls and we travel a lot and always swim. Having a period doesn't stop you from swimming - that is a very old fashioned view!

That is a VERY narrow minded view, and an ignorant one! You are very fortunate (and so are your 'girls,') that you have never had a very heavy period/flooding!

I went swimming (at the local swimming baths) on a period once, and on the way back to the changing room, I could feel warm blood running down my legs, GUSHING out like a waterfall, despite having a tampon on.

There was a 100 feet river of blood behind me as I dashed to my little locker near the loo. Never been so embarrassed. So NO you cannot always go swimming on your period! Hmm

Bellaboo01 · 15/08/2023 10:49

PurpleButterflyWings · 15/08/2023 10:46

@Bellaboo01

You can swim when you are on your period.

I am a girl, i've had girls and we travel a lot and always swim. Having a period doesn't stop you from swimming - that is a very old fashioned view!

That is a VERY narrow minded view, and an ignorant one! You are very fortunate (and so are your 'girls,') that you have never had a very heavy period/flooding!

I went swimming (at the local swimming baths) on a period once, and on the way back to the changing room, I could feel warm blood running down my legs, GUSHING out like a waterfall, despite having a tampon on.

There was a 100 feet river of blood behind me as I dashed to my little locker near the loo. Never been so embarrassed. So NO you cannot always go swimming on your period! Hmm

That sounds very awful for you - that must have been crushing.

There will always be exceptions to anything, i was never suggesting that EVERYONE can or would even want to.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 15/08/2023 10:49

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 15/08/2023 10:06

@Itsnotrightbutitsok but it didn't stop there did it?
"You will go and you will enjoy it".

That's a pretty fucked up expectation.

I say that all the time to my DD.

She moans she doesn’t want to go and I tell her she’ll enjoy it once she’s there.

I appreciate there’s a backstory here but many people are making this a bigger drama than it actually is.

sashh · 15/08/2023 10:51

Thoughtful2355 · 15/08/2023 08:21

My mum owns a piercing studio, she said her ears should be fine and just disinfect afterwards to ensure they are clean but that a swimming cap will help if your worried.

Did you tell her it was a tragus?

luckylavender · 15/08/2023 10:51

BlossomCloud · 15/08/2023 07:56

I'd rather my children were having fun doing watersports in the summer than worrying about piercings and clothes, but I guess it's too late for that now.

So I'm sort of on the fence as I think the activity sounds amazing and I feel sorry for your MIL too

Not everyone loves water sports.

mumofteenss · 15/08/2023 10:51

Teenagers are more than capable of deciding what their idea of a fun activity is and should be given the choice to participate or not. I know for a fact one of my 3 would absolutely hate this activity, therefore wouldn't immediately book for all 3, id have a conversation. And so would any relatives.

Teenagers are no longer children, they have opinions, likes, dislikes, and deserve autonomy, and for their choices to be respected by the adults around them.

The piercings aren't even relevant. She doesn't want to participate and shouldn't be made to.

WonderingWanda · 15/08/2023 10:51

JudgeJ · 15/08/2023 10:40

Maybe she had checked with her son, you know, the other parent!

Show quote history

What's your point? That a child should be made to do something they don't want to because the other parent said so? My advice still stands, refund the grandparent and say they don't want to do it. Then maybe tell the husband to check with the children thay want to do an activity before booking it.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 15/08/2023 10:51

I can’t see where it says that DD is on her period, so I don’t understand why there are so many posts about it.

sadaboutmycat · 15/08/2023 10:51

The NHS site says 24hrs, other sites say 2 weeks.
This is nothing to do with ear piercing is it?

Do your DCs usually enjoy swimming? Are they competent swimmers? Have they ever done this kind of thing before?

If they are not, they and you are perfectly wishing your rights to say "Hang on a minute; they don't want to do this"

If they are, and it's just a MIL moan, then they and you are being ungrateful.

freetheunicorn1 · 15/08/2023 10:52

@sashh yes imagine putting a swimming cap over a 2 week old cartridge piercing 😣

awaytofrance · 15/08/2023 10:52

Ohthatsabitshit · 15/08/2023 09:02

You seem unduly exercised by the fact other women have different boundaries than you do. There are literally thousands of women who wouldn’t enjoy dancing around for a day in underwear and a wetsuit. I very much doubt Jesus or anyone else is weeping about it. Do you think you can shame me into saying I agree with you? Is that you OPs MI?

Show quote history

Dancing around? And a wetsuit...literally the most covered up its possible to be?

I mean, wear what you want, couldn't care less, but what the fuck are you on about?

mumofteenss · 15/08/2023 10:54

freetheunicorn1 · 15/08/2023 10:52

@sashh yes imagine putting a swimming cap over a 2 week old cartridge piercing 😣

Imagine making a 16 year to wear a swim cap in public to participate in someone elses idea of a fun activity.

Its ridiculous. IF she doesnt want to do it the adults should just respect that. And next time ask them if they want to do something before booking.

awaytofrance · 15/08/2023 10:56

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 15/08/2023 10:51

I can’t see where it says that DD is on her period, so I don’t understand why there are so many posts about it.

People are suggesting she tell a regressive pointless as if a) she needs a lie and b)we somehow still believe women can't swim or do sports cos periods?

Bellaboo01 · 15/08/2023 10:56

I also think this thread is being de-railed by periods!!

My point is that i was trying to make is that she doesn't need an EXCUSE as she simply has a REASON - she doesn't want to go/ piercings etc etc. No point encouraging her to lie about having a period when she hasn't.

UghStopSnoring · 15/08/2023 10:58

I don’t know much about tragus piercings. But wouldn’t it hurt stretching a tight cap over it? Would it be fully waterproof anyway? Not that any teen I know would want to wear a cap over their hair in any case.

All these ‘solutions’ to force a 16y old to do an activity they don’t want to do is pretty poor behaviour by adults.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 15/08/2023 10:59

Justcallmebebes · 15/08/2023 07:12

Well most kids would be thrilled with a trip to a water park and swimming 2 weeks after piercings should be fine.

I think you're being very unreasonable and if I'd forked out £90 I'd want them to go in too

But at 13 and 16 they should have a choice in what they do.

And being told to wear knickers and a t shirt under a wet suit, these places also usually only have a couple of changing cubicles.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 15/08/2023 11:03

I would be giving both dd my blessing to do nothing for MIL that they don't want to it's her problem if she booked the waterpark and didn't ask and bottom line is you can't make a 16 year old do something they don't want to. I strongly suspect that this will be the last time the 16YO makes the trip to visit MIL whether the rest of you like it or not either way. Please just concentrate on showing dd that you have her back

WickedSerious · 15/08/2023 11:06

SoSad44 · 15/08/2023 08:21

I don’t understand how anyone can get a teenager to do something they don’t want to do. Your post sounds like a panicked 8 year old. Frankly your DD needs to be more assertive and just say no or stay on a lounger and read a book/listen to a podcast.

your issue with the clothes is a bit weird - no clothes get ruined by being in contact with water.

Sixteen year old me would've told granny she was entitled to go and have as much 'fun' as she liked but I wouldn't be joining her thank you very much.

FictionalCharacter · 15/08/2023 11:11

"Now, grandma has told her she WILL go and she WILL enjoy herself"

Isn't she a delight! Does she really think that telling a child she WILL enjoy something she doesn't want to do, means that the child will in fact enjoy it?

More fool her, she'll just make the girls dislike her and then they'll refuse to go and see her.

Shame on your husband for subjecting his children to a bully.