MIL taking my daughter to lake waterpark

[YorkshireLucy]

So, my DH has taken my children (16 and 13) to visit her for a few days.

I had a message from my 16 year old panicking because grandma has booked a day at a lake doing watersports.

My DD has just had her ears pierced (seconds and tragus so 3 altogether). She was told not to go swimming in the first few weeks and to be careful for a couple of months after that. It is less than two weeks since she had them done. She should especially avoid open water.

Now, grandma has told her she WILL go and she WILL enjoy herself because she's paid over £90 for this.

I'm fuming. She never mentioned this and never asked them to pack swimwear. She's told them to put an old T-shirt and pants on under a wetsuit? They only have nice new clothes with them that will get ruined!

For context my MIL has form for this. She's quite controlling and a bit of a bully. Constantly makes my children feel like crap. She's passive aggressive with me which is why I personally refuse to see her now. But hubby insisted on this trip.

I get she's paid for a fun activity but has completely disregarded my daughters feelings and worries about this. What if her ears get caught on a helmet or worse get infected?

As for my husband, I'll be speaking to him before they go. Can't believe he's not stuck up for her or said anything (well I can, but that's another story). He knows she shouldn't be getting her piercings wet through swimming/activities like this.

AIBU to not want to let them go?

So if you booked MIL into an activity she didn't want to do and said she HAD to do it and HAD to enjoy it do you think she would? No, she wouldn't. Just because OPs DD is 16 she shouldn't be forced into doing something she wasn't asked about, hasn't got a costume for and doesn't want to do! I was working full time at 16, being treated like an adult. She doesn't want to wear a wet suit with her pants on, she doesn't want to risk her new piercings. I wouldn't particularly fancy water sports in a cold lake either to be honest.

I'm not sure why you are being so pernickety with me on this! I did read it.
I did say " if healed".

It does say IDEALLY which does not mean absolutely do not swim for 8 weeks or whatever.

So what the NHS specifically says is do NOT swim for 24 hrs and IDEALLY (which is a recommendation not a specific instruction to avoid) not until it's healed. If they felt there was a big risk they'd said do NOT swim for 8weeks or whatever. They don't actually say that.

I posted the link to assist the OP and I gave my opinion. I am sure the OP can read it if interested.

I would never book that kind of activity for young people, or even children, without asking if it’s something they want to do.

Exactly. I think the earring issue is a non-event but if DD1 doesn't want to do it that's it.

Well in reality they do, what about school, doctors appointment etc. I get this is a different situation but children can’t just think they can control every situation and not have to do something they don’t want to

@KajsaKavat

Sounds like such an overreaction all round (and MIL bashing)

I don't think it's bashing to say the MIL isn't a nice person considering her history.

She was an alcoholic fir a period of time. Brought up by just his mother. She's generally just a nasty person who uses emotional blackmail. I think he sees this but chooses to ignore it because he feels like he 'owes her' or something. I refuse to see her now. She just makes me and my girls feel rubbish when we see her.

Who the fuck wants to wear their pants and a T shirt at a water park?!

For that alone she is unreasonable

It's lovely to arrange something for your grandkids they want to do. But this isn't.

When I look after random family members I always ask beforehand. Is this the kind of thing they're into... because you know my idea of fun is not necessarily the same as a 6 year old girls. Or a 16 year old boys (although to be fair I get the feeling he's babysitting me these days)

She didn't ask. Or she would have found out the answer is no. She didn't mention it. Or they would have said no/brought swimming costumes

But her frankly horrific attitude of - you'll do it and like it - is disgusting. Dh needs to step up here and advocate for his children.

My teens are very polite and respectful of their grandparents. They would have struggled to say no to them without parental support.

Lots of PP clearly have no experience of cartilage piercings. Tragus needs 8 weeks absolute minimum, usually more like 12+.

Making a teenager swim in a lake in her pants is awful if she doesn’t want to do it.
FYI I’ve had three tragus piercings and they were the most infected of all piercings. The tip of one of my traguses ended up falling off. I would not personally want to take any risks as even without going in a lake/using all the cleaning stuff mine would get infected

Pretty sure I know which water park this is. To enter the parent or guardian needs to sign a waiver if they are 17 and under and any jewellery will be asked to be removed before entering the water by staff at the water edge.

@ThanksItHasPockets I know right? I think two weeks would be ok for a VCH or tongue but people do not get that cartilage ones take an absolute age to heal and they can fuckin hurt! Weeks of throbbing right on your head.

I really hope that they don't end up going and pushing intro taking her piercings out 😞

Yes, she 'should' stand up for herself but it's easier said than done for teenagers who are still working on their confidence and navigating the line between 'respect your elders' and personal autonomy. Especially hard for teens whose dad won't stand up for them in the face of a difficult / manipulative person.

I disagree. I would not have booked anything for my teens at that age without checking. I would not want anyone booking stuff like this for me either. It’s disrespectful.

Mil is essentially doing this for herself, not her grand daughters.

The 16y has called her mum in a panic. Is this the action of a happy excited teenager??

It’s not a ‘fun day out’ if people don’t want to do it is it?

Firstly, phone the water park and say you do not give parental permission and explain why.

Secondly, text your DH and tell him that if he doesn’t stand up for his DD he can stay in Ireland because you don’t want to be with such a weak man. He chooses either his wife/kids or his mother.

Your DC need to know that both their parents are really there for them when necessary. They need protecting against this unpleasant bully.

Piercings really do need care. The majority heal fine. But the ones that get infected or heal badly can cause problems for life. Even a normal lobe piercing. Why take the risk?

My mum would be far too concerned about my daughter’s health to force her to do an activity with the risk of infection. Surely any decent grandparent would understand.

If your MIL is in good health could she do the water sports with your other DD who hasn’t had the piercing done? The money wouldn’t be wasted if she does.

Im 65. Ive had cancer and I recently had a total knee replacement done but I still like a bit of an adventure - perhaps MIL would as well.

Piercings are not (or shouldn't be) cheap and need to be looked after. Wearing a helmet or anything rubbing on the piercing can cause keloid scaring. Water can cause infections. Not taking care of a piercing can lead to infection, pain, discomfort, scarring and a loss of tissue.

Sounds like MIL doesn't care

I would absolutely not be going open water swimming with a 2 week old Tragus piercing. They can get extremely nasty if infected or even if knocked in the wrong way. And besides if the company were in any way decent then they’d ask such questions on the consent form that is signed before you go near the water and would potentially raise some eyebrows as to why the DC don’t have appropriate swimming gear with them.

Seems a pity she’s prioritising getting multiple piercings over fun activities at that age.

swimming in a open lake full of bacteria with 3 open wounds with a foreign body in them is absoloutly not fine... don't spread misinformation.

Not everyone find splashing in a cold dirty lake 'fun'... In fact half the teens I know would hate that.

Except she's not doing that. The piercings were done 2 weeks ago, before the trip to Ireland and before the waterpark was booked.

Best response so far…..

MiL has history for being a controlling bully… and their father won’t stand up for them due to FOG.
OP has said they won’t be visiting again, not unreasonably.

What a silly comment. ‘Fun activities’ 🙄

For many 16y olds, getting piercings is far more ‘fun’ than a day at a water park and that’s ok. The summer holidays can be a good time to get this stuff done.

Some people here are really unable to see any world view other than their own. Must be limiting.