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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DH to engage with homeless man while baby DC is in his arms

298 replies

Fieryflips · 14/08/2023 21:11

DH always tries to give charity when he can (a trait I have always admired) any time he sees a homeless person he will give if he has some loose change.

Yesterday we were in a London food court in a shopping mall and a homeless man came up to our table for change. Our 3 month old baby was sat on the side of the table the homeless man came to and DH was also on that side. The man was approaching all the tables, I said we didn't have any change. I really didn't have any change but also I was a bit nervous because DC was right there. DH said for the man to wait and gave him change.

I told DH not to engage people like that when DC was about because it makes me nervous and you don't know what could happen but DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. AIBU?

OP posts:
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5
00100001 · 14/08/2023 22:07

Velvetstraws · 14/08/2023 21:58

Oh sorry didn't realise you were actually there and witnessed it all, apols my mistake.

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Oh, I didn't realise you were there either....
The OP says nothing other than the DH was talking to the homeless man and giving him money. So yes they were near a homeless man whilst their Dad was talking to them.

So they didn't need protection form anything...they aren't being exposed to drugs...or needles...or any risks of harm that you and others seem to be imagining.

ilovesooty · 14/08/2023 22:08

Velvetstraws · 14/08/2023 21:51

Listen you crack on, you're OK leaving your kid around a junkie, I'm not.

The disingenunity of the do gooders on this thread makes me want to vomit 🤢

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You've worked with vulnerable people and you use the term "junkie"?

Threenow · 14/08/2023 22:09

Surely you don't think someone who is homeless and has no money is going to steal a child???

Original poster
Fieryflips · 14/08/2023 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

That's a horrid way to speak to someone.

OP posts:
00100001 · 14/08/2023 22:10

Comedycook · 14/08/2023 22:06

I'm making the point that the babies father can not say no to giving him the ,£20 note that he has seen in the wallet. What would have happened of he had said no? The whole situation should not have come to that point.

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But that didn't happen.

Parents take risks every day.. driving your kid to the doctor's is posing a greater risk of harm to your baby than them being in the presence of a man asking for £20 he saw in a wallet.

Yes the DH might have gotten t mugged or had to hand over the wallet... But the person driving their kid might be involved in a head on collision from a speeding drink driver and their baby could die. But nobody thinks that babies shouldn't be in cars.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 14/08/2023 22:11

@Fieryflips You have a horrid way of thinking about people....

00100001 · 14/08/2023 22:11

ilovesooty · 14/08/2023 22:08

You've worked with vulnerable people and you use the term "junkie"?

Show quote history

She's being dramatic... no-one is suggesting a
"Leaving your kid around a junkie" except her....

Kevinscousin · 14/08/2023 22:11

@Velvetstraws there's a massive problem with substance misuse and alcohol with the middle and upper classes too except they can afford to drink/inhale their noxious substances from velvet straws/pay for detox/addiction support services.
OP ; I've been homeless with children and homeless without. I went on to do a role with safeguarding responsibility for children for twenty years.It can happen to (almost)anyone. It can all fall apart one day just like what may have happened to the man you are talking about. He won't hurt your baby . As much chance as the next person sitting next to you in Maccy Ds.

Seagullchippy · 14/08/2023 22:12

00100001 · 14/08/2023 22:10

But that didn't happen.

Parents take risks every day.. driving your kid to the doctor's is posing a greater risk of harm to your baby than them being in the presence of a man asking for £20 he saw in a wallet.

Yes the DH might have gotten t mugged or had to hand over the wallet... But the person driving their kid might be involved in a head on collision from a speeding drink driver and their baby could die. But nobody thinks that babies shouldn't be in cars.

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I don't think cars are safe, actually!

ItsNotRocketSalad · 14/08/2023 22:12

YANBU. It's well known that homeless people steal babies and sell them in alleyways. A three-month-old is worth 2.5 litres of White Lightning and a medium-quality cardboard box.

Skinthin · 14/08/2023 22:13

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 14/08/2023 21:22

Did he ask for small change or small child?

Ahahahah this made me laugh out loud 😍😍😂😂😂

ilovesooty · 14/08/2023 22:13

Velvetstraws · 14/08/2023 22:03

I really don't think you should be working with homeless people if you have to think about whether or not you recognise them as human beings, you don't sound like a very nice person, perhaps you should find another job 🤔

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I was referring to the language you used up thread to describe the homeless. Not engaging with your unwarranted personal attack.

00100001 · 14/08/2023 22:13

Seagullchippy · 14/08/2023 22:12

I don't think cars are safe, actually!

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...ok...?

5128gap · 14/08/2023 22:14

You're getting a hard time OP because the good people of MN like to be very inclusive of 'The Homeless'.
I'm sure you didn't think for a moment the man would abduct your baby. However many homeless people are also vulnerable due to MH or substance issues, and due to their vulnerability can behave impulsively and in socially inappropriate ways. This can include displays of affection (I have been hugged and kissed without warning on many an occasion in the course of my work.) Rough sleepers often lack the means to be clean, and untreated wounds, infections and diseases such as TB are common. This is not being unkind or judgemental, it is simply the reality of life for many homeless people, and its silly to pretend otherwise in a misguided attempt to be polite.
I think if people weren't trying so hard to appear non discriminatory they would admit that they wouldn't like their baby within touching distance of a vulnerable stranger who may not have the means to maintain basic personal hygiene either.

Simonjt · 14/08/2023 22:15

Well you can’t catch the poor, nor would a ‘dad hat’ mean you couldn’t help someone less fortunate, are you going to change your route to stop your child walking past a homeless person when your little on is walking?

SpringboksSocks · 14/08/2023 22:15

I can’t actually believe I’ve read this op

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/08/2023 22:15

That's a horrid way to speak to someone.
You’re hardly full of the milk of human kindness yourself @Fieryflips

HiCandles · 14/08/2023 22:16

I thought it was well known that handing over change is as good as buying drugs. If your DH really wants to help, he should donate to a homeless or addiction charity.
I think YABU to say anything but I do understand how vulnerable you feel with a small baby or any children tbh out with you. I also would've felt uncomfortable being approached and felt relieved when the person moved on. Unfortunately your DH opening his wallet meant he had to give a lot of money and it would've been better to avoid eye contact and ignore from the start.

Blossomtoes · 14/08/2023 22:18

To be honest if the money I give is spent on drugs I don’t care. Life on the streets must be brutal. If a fix facilitates a bit of respite I’m not going to argue with that.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 14/08/2023 22:19

Here comes the 'all homeless people are disease-ridden and mentally ill' crowd. This place is fucking depressing with its ableist and classist bullshit! Angry

Velvetstraws · 14/08/2023 22:20

ilovesooty · 14/08/2023 22:08

You've worked with vulnerable people and you use the term "junkie"?

Show quote history

Junkie is a colloquial term for someone consumed by addiction. It's not an offensive term, just cos you may not like it doesn't mean you are right!

ghostyslovesheets · 14/08/2023 22:21

I thought it was well known that handing over change is as good as buying drugs

and? I'd rather someone had money to 'buy drugs' or a sandwich or a bed for the night than having to resort to other means to get it.

Drug addiction is an awful thing, living rough probably doesn't put you in the best frame of mind to clean up - maybe having a few vodkas makes sleeping in a doorway in winter a tad more bearable?

As someone pointed out up thread - plenty of 'well to do', homed and 'respectable' people have drug misuse and addiction issues - homeless people are just that - people - with no safe place to live

Velvetstraws · 14/08/2023 22:23

5128gap · 14/08/2023 22:14

You're getting a hard time OP because the good people of MN like to be very inclusive of 'The Homeless'.
I'm sure you didn't think for a moment the man would abduct your baby. However many homeless people are also vulnerable due to MH or substance issues, and due to their vulnerability can behave impulsively and in socially inappropriate ways. This can include displays of affection (I have been hugged and kissed without warning on many an occasion in the course of my work.) Rough sleepers often lack the means to be clean, and untreated wounds, infections and diseases such as TB are common. This is not being unkind or judgemental, it is simply the reality of life for many homeless people, and its silly to pretend otherwise in a misguided attempt to be polite.
I think if people weren't trying so hard to appear non discriminatory they would admit that they wouldn't like their baby within touching distance of a vulnerable stranger who may not have the means to maintain basic personal hygiene either.

The most sensible post I've read on this ludicrous thread, well said 👏

ghostyslovesheets · 14/08/2023 22:23

Not sure where the hell you worked with vulnerable people @Velvetstraws but their training needs an urgent over hall - Junkie is a very offensive term

jlpth · 14/08/2023 22:23

Blossomtoes · 14/08/2023 22:18

To be honest if the money I give is spent on drugs I don’t care. Life on the streets must be brutal. If a fix facilitates a bit of respite I’m not going to argue with that.

And what about the deaths due to drugs. I don't just mean overdoses, I mean the entire organised criminal chain from start to finish - exploitation and violence including murder. Drugs are simply not ok.