DH banging on ceiling

[anxiousatnight]

I'm a SAHM to children aged 6 and 4. I do the vast majority with the kids. DH works fairly hard in a professional role, but office hours. He doesn't get up until 8 on a weekday and has a lie in until 8:30/9:00 every weekend.

I have done all of the night wakings and can probably count the number of times DH has got up with them in the mornings on my fingers. Kids are early risers.

None of this bothers me, I'm an early bird too and don't mind too much.

However, this morning they've woken up especially early (4:20!) and have been ratty and naughty for the past two hours. It's been a bit noisy downstairs and I've raised my voice a few times.

DH has banged on the floor of the our bedroom (ceiling of sitting room where we are), obviously telling us to keep the noise down.

AIBU to feel really irritated by this? It just feels like he has no sympathy for the fact that I've had to deal with this shit since the early hours and all that's important is his precious sleep. Most mornings are fairly smooth, this one is an exception.

@NewNovember but why should he take over in the afternoon and not the morning? How does that make sense?

In fact, OP doesnt even want him to take over. She just wants him to not be a prick.

I’d guess because if he takes over in the afternoon he’s awake anyway. If he takes over in the morning he’d have to get up and we can’t have that.

What some of the replies on here show is that they have a very low bar for what they expect from a partner if they find this set up acceptable. It's not OPs fault. It's not the young children at fault. It's the dickhead upstairs thumping on the floor like the servants downstairs are inconveniencing him.

He is showing you that he does not value you, at all. It is that simple. He rates your wellbeing lower than his own. He feels that he has "taken a wife", has sired a couple of offspring and it's your job from the point of conception to keep them and his "castle" clean and well cared for 24 hours a day, while he occupies his elevated status and rests because he is in financial control.

He won't change. You will need a plan, and anyone that thinks this can be solved by "sitting down with a list of jobs" and telling him what he needs to do is woefully naive. He knows. He just doesn't want to.

God forbid the big important man get out of bed before his alarm eh @spitefulandbadgrammar

He should have sensed you were struggling and helped you properly but I think banging on the ceiling wasn’t having a dig at you.

I would have taken that as they were being noisy and he did that so you can be like “see how noisy you are being, even your dad can hear you from upstairs!”.

I think he may have done it to try and help but in a very lazy way.

I have done all of the night wakings and can probably count the number of times DH has got up with them in the mornings on my fingers.

Bloody hell. Why on earth have you let him get away with this for 6 years? I'd be telling him you have done 5000 wakings with the dc and that it's his turn for the next 5000.

He was totally unreasonable and rude to bang on the floor,.

The issue is not the kids got up at this hour, shit happens The issue is the husband and you allowing him to dump on you.

Awww, so helpful of him. The bar for male behaviour is so low it’s in the earths crust. Along with lots of women’s standards.

For you.

Other people are saying the opposite.

I agree with them.

There is no way that it is acceptable for the parent lazying around in bed to be telling the other to keep the children quiet. He should be up helping in the mornings. Which mornings do you have a lie in?

Some of these replies are astonishing.

I went back to work at seven months as a hospital consultant. Shared nights with my husband and we worked as a team. I want to know what job people like the OP’s husband are doing that they have a right to no night wakings in six years.

Good Lord.

I just do not understand why women put up with nonsense.
He needs to GET THE FUCK UP.
If my DH did this, I would just go into the room and tell him to get up. I would then open the curtains and leave the door open. Some men will take the piss, almost like its ingrained - its up you to show him thats it not acceptable.

It's depressing how many men will simply revert to this kind of behaviour as default. Fifty years of feminism and here we are.

God I'd have sent the kids straight up there when he banged on the floor!

If he wants them to be quiet or go back to bed at that time then fine - he's a parent he can come and sort them out.
He's not the OP's manager.

😂

Obviously 4am is a ridiculous time for children to be awake and I'm sure the OP is aware of that.
Why didn't dad take them back to bed then? Or deal with them being up? He's a parent too!

At 4:20am in the morning I’m surprised the neighbours didn’t bang on the wall too tbh.

Why would the working parent get up when they’ve got a full day of work to focus on.

If OP is tired then she can have a relaxed day.

I wouldn’t martyr myself to get up at 4:20am when there’s a competent parent already awake with them.
Its different if the kids were poorly, it was the weekend or the other parent was working.

If my DH was annoyed that I didn’t get up with the kids even though he was at home all day and I was at work all day, then I’d be annoyed at him.

I keep reading these silly threads where dads are allowed to opt out of responsibility - and given the “oh but they wont be looked after properly if I don't so it” excuse. I feel like Im living in alternate universe. I remember my DH had to get baby-girl ready in the morning as I started early - a few times she was not dress appropriately - He didn't think it was an issue - it was - think no coat in winter! I made it clear if he continued the nursery would raise a safe guarding issue and social services would be called FIX UP!- NEVER happened again.

If you've not been in this situation it's really hard to understand why women put up with nonsense. It's not because they haven't thought about telling him to pitch in fairly, it's because it wouldn't work, because he fundamentally and deeply believes that it's not his role, it's hers.

You have to threaten your dh with social services to dress the kids properly, and he believes you that ss would care about a lack of coat? I don't undertake why folk hook up with such hapless people.

A cautionary tale for anyone reading this who may be planning kids or more kids! have a plan in place, discuss it and choose wisely before having kids.

If OP is tired then she can have a relaxed day.
I too simply chill out and relax when parenting a 6 and 4 year old all day who’ve been up since 4.20am and will be feral by lunchtime. It’s practically a spa holiday: so peaceful that she should do bedtime too, as her DH has worked far harder all day.

Because he needs a decent night sleep to work surely that's obvious?

This.
They're old enough to be told 4.20 is far too early and to go back to bed.