Guests still coming AIBU?

[Guestetiquette]

So I live in a tourist area with DH and two DC. We are about to go camping for a week about four hours away. A few weeks ago BIL, wife and two kids asked when would be good to visit this month. I gave a few dates and said this weekend wouldn’t be good as we will be packing for said camping trip.

They have other friends in this area and said this weekend was the only one that worked. So i said that was fine. DH said he’d do all the camping prep (except he’s notorious for forgetting things so I will have to do it too). So then they asked if they could stay on for a couple of days after and use the house so they can see their friends. I said yes.

Then one of my parents died suddenly last week. Now we travel for the funeral the day after we get back from camping. I asked DH to cancel the visit. It was quite a stressful idea anyway and now I’m emotionally fragile. It took my three conversations with him but he did cancel. I didn’t realise that he’d said it was still fine to use the house when we have gone camping.

I had a message yesterday from SIL checking to see how I am. I said I’m overwhelmed, but ok. I listed all the things I need to do (funeral planning remotely, packing, getting stuff ready for the quick turn around when we get back - we get back from camping and then head off to the location of the funeral the next day - 6 hour drive). She is a lovely warm human being and was very empathic and then checked to see if it’s still ok to use the house. I said I didn’t realise they were still coming and really sorry I’ve not had chance to think about it and get linens etc sorted. She messaged back not to worry they are happy to make their own beds etc. no need to clean etc. Apologised - thought the brothers had been communicating. - turns out they had but badly - my DH said fine to use the house and expected BIL to get back to confirm. I assume BIL just thought the plan still stands so no need to confirm.

So I messaged SIL to ask if they have any camp beds/sleeping bags with them - no they haven’t. She has said ‘if it’s any stress we can see if we can stay in here’ - they have somewhere booked this weekend instead of staying with us.

So we have just about finished packing for holiday. I now need to try and figure out linen and send them key code etc. There are also specific instructions they need.

I am thinking though, in their position, I absolutely wouldn’t have still used the house. I would just book the other thing and say don’t worry about it. AIBU to feel a bit cornered into an added stress? DH just doesn’t get it.

To be clear they are lovely people but they are very laid back so probably don’t understand the stress of having someone else in the house.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I think your DH should have cancelled immediately your parent passed away, but as he hasn't just make sure you set all the ground rules with him. They are: it needs to cause you zero extra work at this stressful time, so the house needs to be immaculate and clean including clean linens and used ones washed and put away, by the time you get back.
How this is achieved is up to him. He could pay a cleaner or speak to BIL and SIL and make it a condition of staying (they could then choose elsewhere if needed), but he needs to get it sorted

Usually yes. But in this case OP should do absolutely nothing in preparation and her DH needs to sort everything on return.

Sorry for your loss@Guestetiquette.
Glad that your guests have changed their mind and are no longer coming.
Take care.

Sorry for your loss. I've let friends and family use our house on a number of occasions and I've always returned to a lovely clean house often with gifts like a prepared meal, wine or cake etc. Hopefully your experience will be the same

I find it hard to understand your husbands attitude, has he not understood that you’ve lost a parent? Is he not also upset? Are your children not also upset? Or are they too small to really know your parents and understand what this means?

Prioritising their ‘disappointment’ (or anyone else’s) at this time really minimises life, and death, and your loss. Again age dependant but there are certain life events where children have to learn that their desire for a nice time doesn’t come first. Loss of a parent/grandparent is absolutely one of those times. Your husband should not only be supporting you but he should be demonstrating that to your children.

I would just never let people stay in my home when I'm away whatever the circumstances. I just don't get it.
I would have said no right at the start. It would give me huge anxiety thinking friends or family were in my house.
Maybe that's just me.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss @Guestetiquette

In my experience, even nice people can be tight and will do anything for free accommodation. As, unfortunately, you seem to have found out. I’m glad you managed to cancel them.

So sorry for your loss, my much loved Mum died suddenly in 2006, our DS were 6 and 3 at the time, I was in a state of shock,(still think I am ) and there’s no way I could have even entertained thinking of others , like your situation , they should do the right thing and book somewhere else, they are selfish people for sure
My Dad died in 2010, he had cancer so it was expected but none the less so painful , we had our DD then, age 6 months
I felt that the world was still moving but I wanted it to stop so I could get off it for a while, my DC were the reason to keep going, I thought of my own parents, when their parents died our childhood stayed secure and we were loved
So heartbreaking,sending you lots of support xx

@Guestetiquette I am so sorry for your loss darling. I feel very sad for you.

If you want to stay home (if you haven’t gone/stayed already), then stay home but what I will say, is that nature is such good medicine for mental health. Hug a tree, dream in the reflection of a pond/river/stream etc, got to a field and scream. Look up at the sky at the stars, it’s amazing how many you see when there’s no pollution. Hug a tree (they are great for giving your energy to). Hopefully you’ll see animals & bugs (hope you like insects).
I find animals medicinal also

Your DH has behaved like a knob.
He definitely needs a talking to when the time is right. It’s probably best not to berate him straight away. He needs to understand what he did wrong and you need to deal with your grief and emotions.

Darling, cry as much as you need to. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; you are the most important person in your life. Not DC, YOU. If you’re not ok then you can’t be the best you for DC.

You sound like such a beaut of a person;
I’m so sorry you’ve had all this stress when it really wasn’t necessary.
Sending you so much love and comfort xx

They are unbelievable. How can they possibly think it’s ok to still use your house? Even if they have never suffered a sudden loss, as adults they ought to have more sympathy and more sense!

And I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost a parent suddenly and it is horrendous.

If you can still go off camping then somebody using your house whilst you’re not there is nothing. It’s either devastated your world and everything gets cancelled - or carry on as normal. Tell them to bring their own linens and tell them the key-code.

Will someone please tell me I'm not going mad. I'm sure this was all posted last week some time and that it had been resolved.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

But I think the onus is on your DH rather than them to cancel it, as he is your close partner who truly understands the stress you're under- the guests only have his word to go on and he's told them it's fine to stay

Sorry about your loss and hope you are ok.

Generally speaking I dislike the idea of people using my home as free hotel (i.e. their purpose is not to visit me but just want to save money on their holiday). We have to give up time to clean the house/guest bedroom/pick up from airport/ cook/ clean up after people and do transfer. I have made a stance with DH that I don't appreciate the home being used that way. Your in laws are trying to still cheap out/entitled during your time of stress. It's time to draw healthy boundaries, it's not worth it in the long run.

They're family, you may expect some caring from them. Not only in return for their free stay but also because you are fragile right now and they should know that. Ask them to put (at least a first load of) the washing in the machine, put new sheets on your beds, pass the hoover and make sure the kitchen is cleaned. If they're nice people they will also do a basic foodshop (some bread and cheese, bit of fruit).

Well I suppose it depends.
mid they tidy up after themselves, change sheets so you come back to clean ones, tidy the house for you so you don’t have to anything then I suppose it’s ok, BUT house guests are seldom that considerate!
I would drop out if I was them, and understand the added stress it would cause you.. but so many people don’t think like that!

Update:

• I cancelled the guests. I think I already posted about that.
• I stayed at home for a day and joined my family on the camping trip later.
• There were difficult, OK and happy times on the trip and I may as well have been feeling crap somewhere nice with friends and family than at home alone - so all in all I’m glad I went.
• No contact from B and S IL since. Nothing to see how I am now despite knowing I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed. My new assessment of them, particularly her as I think he would have cancelled and wouldn’t have pushed it, is CFs. Noted for next time.
• funeral went well and death related admin progresses.
• some friends have stepped up and been amazing. Some, whom I have supported immensely in the past, have been shit.
• my new found attitude to life is to get to know, understand, accept and verbalise my own needs clearly. Meet these for myself or push for them to be met more. No more will I be a people pleasing doormat!!

Thanks once again to all you fantastic mumsnetters for your support, wisdom and head wobbling. 💐

This is a great update @Guestetiquette - take care of yourself!

Great update OP.

As is often the case.

When you go through the worst of times and people are nowhere to be seen, it really is wise to step away and expend no further energy on supporting a one way street.

I really hope your new found philosophy will extend to that selfish waster you are married to.

When married to a selfish spouse, it really is wise to refrain from putting any inheritance that may come your way into the family pot.

Having a "running away" pot of money is always prudent.

Really wishing you well.

Just say no ..
id never have anyone in my home when I’m not there ,especially not in your situation.
they are cheeky fuckers to even consider asking

@Guestetiquette my mam died very suddenly just after Christmas and it is sobering who is there for you and who isn't!

My husband actually left me for a week with the kids and fucked off to his parents. He left us on our child's birthday. He couldn't cope with my "mood". I was grieving!!! We hadn't had the funeral yet!

We are having counselling but I'm still not convinced we will recover from his appalling selfishness.

Take care of yourself

So pleased you got through it all!

However, the chief issue was your husband’s attitude and behaviour. Has that been addressed at all?

I’m sorry @Guestetiquette.
People aren’t always what we think, some step up, others don’t.
I think we learn constantly who the genuine people are and which ones just want you for what you can give them! (Like a free place to stay!).
I’d be telling DH that you don’t want to invite house guests for the foreseeable!

Thank you for the update @Guestetiquette
Glad the funeral went well - I think a good send off helps. And the admin is a good distraction.

I hope you can also have some constructive conversations with your husband when you feel up to if