Guests still coming AIBU?

[Guestetiquette]

So I live in a tourist area with DH and two DC. We are about to go camping for a week about four hours away. A few weeks ago BIL, wife and two kids asked when would be good to visit this month. I gave a few dates and said this weekend wouldn’t be good as we will be packing for said camping trip.

They have other friends in this area and said this weekend was the only one that worked. So i said that was fine. DH said he’d do all the camping prep (except he’s notorious for forgetting things so I will have to do it too). So then they asked if they could stay on for a couple of days after and use the house so they can see their friends. I said yes.

Then one of my parents died suddenly last week. Now we travel for the funeral the day after we get back from camping. I asked DH to cancel the visit. It was quite a stressful idea anyway and now I’m emotionally fragile. It took my three conversations with him but he did cancel. I didn’t realise that he’d said it was still fine to use the house when we have gone camping.

I had a message yesterday from SIL checking to see how I am. I said I’m overwhelmed, but ok. I listed all the things I need to do (funeral planning remotely, packing, getting stuff ready for the quick turn around when we get back - we get back from camping and then head off to the location of the funeral the next day - 6 hour drive). She is a lovely warm human being and was very empathic and then checked to see if it’s still ok to use the house. I said I didn’t realise they were still coming and really sorry I’ve not had chance to think about it and get linens etc sorted. She messaged back not to worry they are happy to make their own beds etc. no need to clean etc. Apologised - thought the brothers had been communicating. - turns out they had but badly - my DH said fine to use the house and expected BIL to get back to confirm. I assume BIL just thought the plan still stands so no need to confirm.

So I messaged SIL to ask if they have any camp beds/sleeping bags with them - no they haven’t. She has said ‘if it’s any stress we can see if we can stay in here’ - they have somewhere booked this weekend instead of staying with us.

So we have just about finished packing for holiday. I now need to try and figure out linen and send them key code etc. There are also specific instructions they need.

I am thinking though, in their position, I absolutely wouldn’t have still used the house. I would just book the other thing and say don’t worry about it. AIBU to feel a bit cornered into an added stress? DH just doesn’t get it.

To be clear they are lovely people but they are very laid back so probably don’t understand the stress of having someone else in the house.

Your last update is good news OP. A great relief for you I am sure. Your DP can do one if he gets the hump about it

@Guestetiquette please do not feel guilty. They should feel guilty for not making other arrangements sooner. Well done for resolving this. Hope you enjoy camping as much as possible under the circumstances

So glad you've done this, just no way could you let people stay no matter how laid back etc they are. Your SIL will go through this one day when her parents die and probably look back in horror that she even considered staying in your house. Love and strength to you xx 💕

Good news OP…. DH will be angry about this? He really does sound like a knob end. And I’ll say it again, don’t go camping.

Brilliant outcome, well done OP!

I am glad your SIL is making alternative arrangements. I feel like you need someone to tell you that when she directly asked if they could still stay you could have said no.

After the funeral I think you and DH are going to need to have some difficult conversations. Now is not the time for that, however.

Thanks all. I’ll try not to feel guilty.

I was thinking once I get there camping might be nice. I’ll be able to reflect on things a bit more. The funeral is pretty much organised. Just a bit if remote organising. I feel like staying here, but I wonder if it would be good for me. I can always come home if I need to?

It’ll be much nicer staying in a cosy house and a comfortable bed with a bathroom nearby. I’m guessing you’ll be doing all the work too as Knob End will be too angry.

MonsterCalling · Today 21:45
I am glad your SIL is making alternative arrangements. I feel like you need someone to tell you that when she directly asked if they could still stay you could have said no.

After the funeral I think you and DH are going to need to have some difficult conversations. Now is not the time for that, however.

Yes. You are right. I was a bit thrown and also felt pressure as I found out today and they were due tomorrow. Lesson learned though!!

Yes. I think this has been the ‘final straw’ to be honest but now isn’t the time to have those discussions.

I think with abit of distance you will look back and think you were crazy for feeling guilty about cancelling. They are the ones who should feel guilty.

I too couldn’t think of anything worse than going camping and would cancel that Dh can go on his own with the kids as penance for being a shit husband, . If are you in England it’s going to be rainy anyway

I really think you should cancel. My FIL passed away recently and DH was staying with his mum for a few weeks helping with all the funeral arrangements and beyond. When he came back he was grumpy - obviously grief was a big part of this and I think he was also unsettled from the length of time away. When we go on holiday I always clean the house and change the sheets before going out the door (and try to wash and hang the used sheets) because it’s so much easier to come back to a semblance of order after being away, even for a simple holiday reasons.

I'm so very sorry for loss OP.

And I tend to agree with this.

You just don't need this just now.

This is on your husband. You've just lost a parent. He needs to step up and this should have all been cancelled already.

I'm so very sorry, again, for your loss x

Sorry for your loss. Its a horrible time. I can see you can't change their plans now but I'd be leaving the bedding and key code and anything else. When you come back dump all the bedding and anything g else you don't immediately need at a laundry and lighten your load that way.

Apologies it seems SIL has cancelled- I'd still use a laundry for holiday washing though!

I am sorry for your loss OP. The loss of a parent is huge and it is essential that you put yourself first, as anyone around you with a grain of sense or sensitivity would realise. If you do not prioritise your loss and bereavement now, it will eat you up in future, and not help the grieving process. Do not let these people stay in your house, it is your refuge and you need that more at the moment than at any time. Please be kind to yourself, and give them all a good example of how to treat you properly in future.

Do not feel guilty.
Im glad your SIL has (eventually) done the right thing, but not sure how lovely she is. They should have retracted their request before it got this far and not pushed it. I don’t like this “don’t ask, don’t get” attitude, some things you shouldn’t need to be told it’s an unreasonable ask you should never make in the first place. People should be rallying round to support you right now not making “ah yes but we won’t be any trouble …” requests making your life more difficult. I would put yourself first more often from now on.

Can you compromise on the length of time you're gone camping if you feel like you have to go? Like come home a day or two early? IME camping is not that expensive per night and it's pretty easy to flex on dates. That might give you a bit of breathing space before the funeral.

You can absolutely cancel camping OP. See how you feel tomorrow morning when you wake up. You could have a little time for yourself, spend time with other family if you want.

Much easier to just not go, than to go and try to leave halfway through.

No talking people into things though, OP! You announce what's happening to DH and he can go whine to his parents if he doesn't like it.

One other thought - if possible and if fuel etc is affordable I think you would be very wise to take two cars on the camping trip unless it is in an area very well-served by public transport. You might find that you get halfway through the week and need some space. Equally sometimes just knowing that you could leave and that you are not trapped is enough to help.

Well done… I think I would have let DH go away with the kids . Stay at home . Do nothing apart from breathe . Allow yourself to cry without putting on a brave face

I can only think that they are assuming that its not a major deal as you are going on holiday before the funeral and wont be there whilst they are.

I'm really sorry for your loss OP, and really sorry your DP has caused you more stress instead of supporting you in your grief.

Please take the time and space you need, as he doesn't sound like the sort of partner who is going to encourage you to do that.

Emotionally, this sounds like a "stop the clock moment". Everything needs to stop. You and those around you need to recognise the significance of your loss by stopping,

I'll add that I think there are times in relationships that are "guard the boundary" moments. This also sounds like one of those.

No one knows how to do this ahead of time, so ask for what you need. It won't be perfect, but those who love you will do the best they can. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I too am glad they aren't coming.

Staying home might be wise.

So you can mind yourself.

No one needs to go through losing a parent to know that of course it is traumatic.

But when you do go through it you realise just how much.

At testing times you see who has your back.

I bet this isn't in isolation.

I think you realise you have serious thinking to do when this is over.

You deserve so much better than a waster who is more concerned about others than his own wife at a time like this.

What a disgusting excuse of a man.

Reach out to those that care.

Please consider staying home to care for yourself.

Let the waster take the children away.

A piece of advice I was given when my Mum died was, if you don’t want to do something just say ‘I don’t want to’. Your immediate problem with the ILs is sorted now but there will be other times you will want to say this. Try it, it’s liberating. I still do it years after and feel no guilt whatsoever.