Guests still coming AIBU?

[Guestetiquette]

So I live in a tourist area with DH and two DC. We are about to go camping for a week about four hours away. A few weeks ago BIL, wife and two kids asked when would be good to visit this month. I gave a few dates and said this weekend wouldn’t be good as we will be packing for said camping trip.

They have other friends in this area and said this weekend was the only one that worked. So i said that was fine. DH said he’d do all the camping prep (except he’s notorious for forgetting things so I will have to do it too). So then they asked if they could stay on for a couple of days after and use the house so they can see their friends. I said yes.

Then one of my parents died suddenly last week. Now we travel for the funeral the day after we get back from camping. I asked DH to cancel the visit. It was quite a stressful idea anyway and now I’m emotionally fragile. It took my three conversations with him but he did cancel. I didn’t realise that he’d said it was still fine to use the house when we have gone camping.

I had a message yesterday from SIL checking to see how I am. I said I’m overwhelmed, but ok. I listed all the things I need to do (funeral planning remotely, packing, getting stuff ready for the quick turn around when we get back - we get back from camping and then head off to the location of the funeral the next day - 6 hour drive). She is a lovely warm human being and was very empathic and then checked to see if it’s still ok to use the house. I said I didn’t realise they were still coming and really sorry I’ve not had chance to think about it and get linens etc sorted. She messaged back not to worry they are happy to make their own beds etc. no need to clean etc. Apologised - thought the brothers had been communicating. - turns out they had but badly - my DH said fine to use the house and expected BIL to get back to confirm. I assume BIL just thought the plan still stands so no need to confirm.

So I messaged SIL to ask if they have any camp beds/sleeping bags with them - no they haven’t. She has said ‘if it’s any stress we can see if we can stay in here’ - they have somewhere booked this weekend instead of staying with us.

So we have just about finished packing for holiday. I now need to try and figure out linen and send them key code etc. There are also specific instructions they need.

I am thinking though, in their position, I absolutely wouldn’t have still used the house. I would just book the other thing and say don’t worry about it. AIBU to feel a bit cornered into an added stress? DH just doesn’t get it.

To be clear they are lovely people but they are very laid back so probably don’t understand the stress of having someone else in the house.

I'm so glad you're putting yourself first

And thank you for the condolences- I'm fine now but I was absolutely blindsided by it at the time.

You've given yourself your choices back - you can stay home or go camping or come home when you want. Agree you should take two cars if that's an option.

Right now it looks to me from the outside like your family think your life should be just continuing with the small blip of a funeral in the middle. But this is a big deal. Losing a parent is a profound. Take space to process.

I think you've nailed the problem...they just dont understand how stressful it is....because you've not told them. They've said don't worry about tidying etc as you say they're pretty laid back. Also (and no judgement here), you're going on holiday the day before the funeral. If it's camping I'd expect you to come back a bit early rather than feel rushed....or maybe not gone at all. They probably see you going off on your hols and assume you're not that stressed.
Having said that, your husband should know you well enough to step in and take this one off you. I can't imagine anyone would be put out by a bereaved person changing plan. It's unfortunate, but not as unfortunate as losing your mum. I'm surprised your OH hasn't picked up on your stress and taken control.
Given that the visit is imminent I'd be inclined to send OH to Argos for some cheap linen which he can put on the beds.

I wouldn't badger someone when they've just had someone die..

and even though you wont be there physically, they will still be inconveniencing you mentally because you can't fully switch off and relax when someone is staying in your home!!

They are in your home, your safe space and when you get back from camping, there is still going to be that "someone's been in my house" feeling ,
stuff will have been moved, bed is not spread the way you like it, and all the little things, that you don't want to be concerned with at a time like this

I would have said no and I think its incredibly inconsiderate and selfish of them to do this,
I also think that your husband should have stepped in for you and told his brother, sorry but my wife needs her space right now , come another time
it sounds like your husband cares more about disappointing them, than your feelings

I am thinking though, in their position, I absolutely wouldn’t have still used the house. I would just book the other thing and say don’t worry about it. AIBU to feel a bit cornered into an added stress? DH just doesn’t get it.

You are most definitely not being unreasonable. I can't believe they haven't got the self awareness to stay elsewhere. Who on earth would have the gall to put on you at this time??

Sorry for your loss.

I would feel resentful that they are making me think of any arrangements at all. Bereavement is so unpredictable and you need space and time for your grief. You certainly shouldn’t need to faff about for other people

I am so sorry for your loss, OP.

I'm glad you sorted it out. If your dh gets angry about it, I honestly would get epically, rip-roaringly, biblically angry with him. The kind of anger he won't forget in a hurry. This isn't about him. or his BIL or SIL or hospitality or anything. This is about your loss, your grief, and your inability to hold anything more in your head than you have already. I'm sure you are soldiering on with your kids and work and everything - you are already doing so much.

And tell him to talk to SIL because she seems to get it.

Also, imagine you have gone to your BIL's home even though his wife is bereaved and stressed because he told you "it's all fine" and then you discover that actually it wasn't all fine and you added to your SIL's stress at a very hard time. I'd be mortified and very upset. SIL is probably glad she knew not to impose on you.

This! So sorry your family are a hit crap and unsupportive Op.

This is exactly it. All he cares about is how awkward it is for him and that he might get some flak from his family. I'd be fucking furious, and very upset. What a total self-centred arsehole he is.

They are your husband's family. It is your parent who has died so you will fell it the worst. Why do you need to get involved? Just get husband to sort it 🤷‍♀️

I would absolutely never go and stay in someone’s house (for a holiday) after a parent had died. I hope you come back to it spotlessly cleaned by them with all the linen washed to help you at this difficult time. They could easily have found somewhere else to not put any extra burden on you. Very sorry for your loss xxx

This ! Same thing happened when my dad died. SIL kicked off but oh well. It's a funny thing OP. My whole life I was a suck it up people pleaser. But after both my parents passed I have a easy time saying no and setting boundaries. I wish you all the best as it's so hard losing a parent and still keeping your life together

Just came in to say I’m so sorry for your loss, does your DH even comprehend that you have lost a parent? Do not allow him to disregard your grief, you are allowed that. If he finds it a bit embarrassing having to roll back on his grand gesture offering YOUR HOME as an open house at such a time, so be it.

Oh @Guestetiquette you are such a lovely person and certainly didn't need this extra stress right now. I cannot cope with much stress at all these days - I am old (but still in my 60's) and physically disabled, but that shouldn't stop me from being able to deal with mental stress...

Unfortunately, I think that if I had been in your position I would have just runaway from the problem ie. I would have headed for a nearby Premier Inn and left my husband with a list of what sheets and towels needed washing and ironing - then putting on the bed without any wrinkles (he doesn't seem to ever notice any wrinkles, which is good when they are on me, but not so good when they are on the bedlinen or supposedly nice clothes!) - which rooms needed vacuuming (probably all of them in my case!), what counters or tops needed tidying then cleaning or dusting. I would have also told him that the fridge needed going through and any overlooked items like a bedraggled lettuce, or over hardened and crusty cheese would need throwing out. Then I would have told him that my bedside drawer needed all of my personal items taken out of it, and any of my comfortable but oversized and slightly greying knickers in our chest of drawers needed packing in the now bigger suitcase that I was going to have to take with me, along with any of our private paperwork that we didn't already keep under lock and key.

I would have needed all that doing no matter how clean and tidy my house was (it isn't!) or how nice and trustworthy I thought my guests were (they are), otherwise I would have had a horrible wriggly worm burrowing away in the far recesses of what passes for a brain in my skull, keeping on making me worry about what I may have overlooked as it burrows ever deeper...

I was so pleased to read in your latest update (that might not be your latest update anymore) that they are not coming at all now - that would have been the outcome in my house too if my DH had been left with my list. He would have suddenly found the courage to tell them that on this occassion we could no longer let them have the use of the house, but that we would let them know later later in the year when we would be able to welcome them with open arms again, as we usually love their visits.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and I hope very much that you can now relax a little - or preferably a lot - and enjoy your camping holiday with your DC, and that the funeral goes as well as it possibly can. I am sending you a big but gentle hug, and will be thinking of you over the next few weeks xx

Maybe if had you bothered to read the thread, you would have gotten the context. Stop trolling.

YANBU How selfish and inconsiderate I would seriously be losing my shit.

Sorry for your loss OP. It is a disorienting time, immediately after the loss of a parent - but as others have said, it is absolutely okay (and necessary) to say a big NO to requests like that.

Perhaps your DH and BIL/SIL have not experienced the loss of a parent yet, I find this reflects hugely on how people treat the grieving.

They probably thought it would be okay considering you were still planning to go camping. I know it’s hard when you want to keep things up for the kids but - if you can stay home and let your DH take them? That alone time to grieve and sort arrangements will be so much better for you than trying to find time to make calls from a campsite. Some people want to stay busy to take their minds off the grief but - there is no escaping it. Is there still a chance to stay home? Grab it.

I have just deleted a reply of mine to your post above @cbuew9
I did so because I am not sure that my reply to you made me any more empathetic than you are. So now I will just say:

Really?

How marvellous it must be to be you, @cbuew9 - so sound, so sorted, so certain.

Sorry for popping up again @Guestetiquette.

Hopefully you are feeling much more relaxed (and 🤞 you are actually asleep) now that you have had one big hurdle removed. If you have, very understandably, got fed-up with reading these replys, even though thankfully most of us are supporting you, then I also hope that you have stopped reading them!

Anyway, I just wanted to remind you if you are still reading this, that there is no "correct" way to mourn, so you should do it in the way that feels most comfortable to you if you possibly can. Which will of course presumably - at least partly - depend on how old your DC are and whether you trust that your partner can look after them on his own (I know he should be able to, but through reading Mumsnet for some years now I know that a lot of them seem to be - or project being - absolutely useless at looking after their own children on their own). If your partner does fall into the "useless" category regarding child rearing, then now may not be the best time to teach him how to actually look after them, but if you need some time on your own then he will have to learn - quickly!

So, if you want your partner to take them camping without you, and you trust him to keep them out of A & E while doing so (I do know that genuine accidents can happen on our watch too!) then please don't feel guilty about doing so. However from what you have already said, I got the impression that not only do you not want to let your children down, but you also want to go on the holidy too.

It is absolutely fine for you* to still want* to go on the holiday as well. You may have a little cry somtimes, but that is also fine. IMO it is good for children to learn that 'their' adults can be sad too when it is for genuine and "safe" reasons like this.

If I had been in your position when one of my parent's died, I would not have been able to even imagine being alone by myself at home when I had such dear loved ones to be with. I would have definitely gone on the holiday. Also, if old enough your DC might be sad at losing their Grandparent, and need to know that even when sad it is ok, or even good, to have fun whilst still mourning someone. I sadly have the impression that their Ddad is not the best person to impart any knowledge to do with compassion and empathy.

So OP, please just listen to your heart, and follow your instincts, as none of us here know what you should, or need to, do. There is no right or wrong when it comes to our feelings, although in different subject areas there are of course, very much rights or wrongs regarding our actions.
Bless you OP, I hope that the next few weeks and months go as easily and supportively for you, as they possibly can. xx

@TheLadyofShalott1 Absolutely true that there is no correct way to grieve.

But OP did say in two different comments that she didn’t want to go camping any more, and that she felt like staying home.

What an unpleasant attitude you are showing. My friend lost her dad, planned the funeral, and still went on a pre booked trip to Paris before the funeral.

You see, she still had access to the internet and her phone when she was away.

The OP’s mind is all over the place. She is on autopilot and trying to please everyone.

You can think what you want but how mean to post like this on a thread created by someone who is newly-bereaved. Do you think you are being clever?

If you think the thread is not genuine, report it to MNHQ to investigate.

Then take a moment to consider that if you are wrong and this situation is indeed genuine then your contributions will simply add further distress to an already vulnerable OP. People do all sorts of things when in a state of grief and shock and if you have no experience of this then you should count yourself lucky.