Guests still coming AIBU?

[Guestetiquette]

So I live in a tourist area with DH and two DC. We are about to go camping for a week about four hours away. A few weeks ago BIL, wife and two kids asked when would be good to visit this month. I gave a few dates and said this weekend wouldn’t be good as we will be packing for said camping trip.

They have other friends in this area and said this weekend was the only one that worked. So i said that was fine. DH said he’d do all the camping prep (except he’s notorious for forgetting things so I will have to do it too). So then they asked if they could stay on for a couple of days after and use the house so they can see their friends. I said yes.

Then one of my parents died suddenly last week. Now we travel for the funeral the day after we get back from camping. I asked DH to cancel the visit. It was quite a stressful idea anyway and now I’m emotionally fragile. It took my three conversations with him but he did cancel. I didn’t realise that he’d said it was still fine to use the house when we have gone camping.

I had a message yesterday from SIL checking to see how I am. I said I’m overwhelmed, but ok. I listed all the things I need to do (funeral planning remotely, packing, getting stuff ready for the quick turn around when we get back - we get back from camping and then head off to the location of the funeral the next day - 6 hour drive). She is a lovely warm human being and was very empathic and then checked to see if it’s still ok to use the house. I said I didn’t realise they were still coming and really sorry I’ve not had chance to think about it and get linens etc sorted. She messaged back not to worry they are happy to make their own beds etc. no need to clean etc. Apologised - thought the brothers had been communicating. - turns out they had but badly - my DH said fine to use the house and expected BIL to get back to confirm. I assume BIL just thought the plan still stands so no need to confirm.

So I messaged SIL to ask if they have any camp beds/sleeping bags with them - no they haven’t. She has said ‘if it’s any stress we can see if we can stay in here’ - they have somewhere booked this weekend instead of staying with us.

So we have just about finished packing for holiday. I now need to try and figure out linen and send them key code etc. There are also specific instructions they need.

I am thinking though, in their position, I absolutely wouldn’t have still used the house. I would just book the other thing and say don’t worry about it. AIBU to feel a bit cornered into an added stress? DH just doesn’t get it.

To be clear they are lovely people but they are very laid back so probably don’t understand the stress of having someone else in the house.

Janieforever

You might be right. But have you read my post about the process of me getting him to cancel? I’d be interested to see if you still think that. I know I’m definitely overwhelmed and more on edge.

None of them sound deliberately malicious. Just insensitive, emotionally unintelligent, and completely clueless about losing a parent.

At this stage, I’d just lay it on the line to your DH, something like this:

“I am not coping with the loss of my Dad. I am overwhelmed, in complete shock and can’t function. It is like a living nightmare of a blur and I am exhausted. If you insist on IL staying then I can’t be part of that - i do not have anything left in my tank for this “extra” on my plate. I will be leaving between x date and y date and staying in a hotel / with family / wherever. You will need to deal with everything - camping, guests, cleaning, the lot.

The second option is that the IL’s are completely cancelled by you, and you start graciously supporting me with this huge horrific life change, without making my life more difficult with guilt trips.

Third and final option - we separate, and you leave now.

Thats it DH. I have no more in my tank to deal with this. Choose one and let me know by 10pm tonight.”

Because quite frankly, you’ll burn up with resentment for years to come if you don’t make a stand, and you know it.

YADNBU. So sorry for your loss x

My DH would be the same.

Tell them to bring their own bed linen and towels with them, so that they can take it with them and wash it at home.

My DH has never been bereaved and has no idea what it feels like.

Not sure how “lovely”
they are. Anyone can be nicey nicey to you but actions speak louder than words. Any decent person would have cancelled immediately

But what really hurts is that he’d rather cause me stress at such difficult time, than put his friends out.

If you haven't already told your DH that ^^ then please do.

I know you shouldn't have to but do you think you need to spell it out to your DH that you are trying to come to terms with the shock of your parent dieing and how emotionally taxing that is. And that you are grieving. Tell him exactly what you need and expect of him in the next few weeks.

Sorry for the loss of your parent. How can you actually function with that news?

I am absolutely gobsmacked at what ILs are doing here. I am lost for words, and sorry if that sounds very dramatic.

Even if your husband is a dickhead, the other gang are worse. How could they ride roughshod over this terrible time in your life as if you hadn't got a care in the world. Some people are just unbelievable.

This is your lesson OP. Never again.

You must be all over the place, hard to be assertive when you are grieving the loss of a loved one. I am stunned.

Tell him to tell them they can't come.

If there is any time ever you can be really demanding and not give a shiny shit about anyone else, it's the sudden death of a close relative.

Take your power. No one (with the exception of your other parent if applicable) is more important than you right now. No one. Your needs and wishes should trump everyone else's.

I am so sorry for your loss. However, the issue here isn’t your in laws. It’s that your DH has been inconsiderate and disrespectful.

I understand that it’s too late to tell them to make other arrangements, but your DH has hands. He can do the prep for them (and the cleanup after them) surely? Why is this your job?

I'm a little surprised that you're not just texting SIL and saying, "Stay elsewhere please, I can't cope." It's your fucking house and your DH isn't the boss.

Just say
Hi SIL, as you can imagine everything's up in the air here still, and I've been rushed off my feet. Please could you bring your own linen & towels for the weekend as I've simply not had the time to sort.

Thanks

It's what we do as a matter of course is bring our own.

PS Sorry for your loss.

Your dh is a twat.

You said earlier sil is lovely. You need to message her and tell her (not ask) to make your homecoming as easy as possible if they insist on using your place. House cleaned from top to bottom and bed linen changed (used linen cleaned and back in the cupboard) as an absolute minimum.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I’m so sorry OP. I think your DH has been a real dick here. He should have completely cancelled them!

I'd do as pp suggests and get dickhead husband to TELL them they cannot come, or else make him pay for their accommodation elsewhere. I still cannot believe this is happening and people are suggesting that ILs bring their own linen and clean the place after them etc. What The Fuck! The so called guests must be off their heads and they certainly have ZERO empathy anyway.

I’m normally a ‘Mi casa su casa’ kind of person but under these circumstances it is absolutely not right for others to impose. I’d speak to your DH, remind him that you’ve just lost a parent, and ask him to start being more considerate. Then tell your SIL that while you’re really sorry that this will inconvenience them, you’ve too much going on at the moment for guests and so please go ahead and make other arrangements. You’ll look forward to seeing them another time when things have calmed down for you.

I think you’ll enjoy camping more knowing you have your home to go back to the way you left it.

I’m sorry both for your loss and for the fact that those around you aren’t being supportive.

Or OP just tells them no? Why is everyone talking like DH is the boss of the house and OP has to talk him into things?

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. I would have expected my husband to cancel them. I couldn't be dealing with my parent dying and returning home to my house having been used like a hotel. Your not so 'd'h needs to out your 1st. Can you cancel them?

I don’t think UABU in wanting to cancel their visit but perhaps you still being happy to go camping despite your loss is confusing things a bit for them. It sounds too late to do anything now but definitely get your DH to clear up after them and do laundry etc.

Yes, this. Such thoughtless, crass behaviour from DH and SIL/BIL. So sorry for your loss. My DH adopted a puppy while my father was dying which was his version of this. As others have said, perhaps they just don't get it due to lack of experience of the loss, but it's still unbelievable.

Is there time to tell them to pack their own sheets towels, duvet covers etc so at least you won't have a pile of washing when you get back?

So sorry for your loss, OP. The only thing I might possibly ask in your DH/IL’s defence — are their parents still around? I don’t think I really appreciated, until my DM died, quite how awful it is to lose a parent. (I know that sounds bad; I genuinely just sort of thought that that’s the way of the world…) When my DM died, I actually called a couple of friends whose mums had previously died, to say I was really sorry I hadn’t been more understanding/supportive. I’m not trying to excuse them, but perhaps they just don’t realise… I hope you’re okay; it’s a horrible thing to go through. Sending love. X

I’d have cancelled as living somewhere where people have stayed with me many times in the 20 odd years since I moved here, I realise how much work goes into getting a house visitor ready. And that would stand whether I was here or not, apart from not needing to plan meals etc, I’d assume they’d be doing that themselves. Having lost a parent I think it’s pretty disgusting they are still coming and putting you out with washing bed linen / cleaning. Even for someone laid back surely they understand you need to do a certain level of cleaning, or most normal people do. I wonder if any of them have lost a parent? Even if the men didn’t work it out your SIL should have said look don’t worry we will sort out accomodation ourselves

Also really sorry for your loss OP

Thank you so much everyone for the kindness and empathy. The anger on my behalf. The ideas and advice and the very gentle challenges. Just what I needed. Some of the posts have made me cry. In a good way.

Lovely SIL is going to make alternative arrangements. It’s a massive relief, although I do feel guilty. DH will be angry about it but I’m past caring. I’m still cross with him. He should have just taken this on and protected me from it all but I think you don’t know until you’ve been through it. I won’t call the divorce lawyers yet though. I’ll wait for the dust to settle!

I have been on MN for years and am very grateful for it tonight.

I would cancel them AND cancel the bloody camping.