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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a hen do I can’t afford

144 replies

Snickerdoodle55 · 13/08/2023 14:27

First post, keen to get some other opinions! I am single and live alone and despite an OK job, I am on a very tight budget month to month as I am also paying down debts from my early twenties. This year, I have been to one hen do which cost £400+ and was a UK weekend away. I have also paid £200ish out for another one next year, and I was only able to manage this as I requested donations from family for my birthday in order to help pay them off. I have recently been added to a WhatsApp group by one of my close friends MOH to communicate plans for the hen which will be in the middle of summer next year and gave a rough cost (£300-£400) so after seeing that I created a separate chat with the MOH just to explain my situation and that I would need a bit of flexibility in paying but wouldn’t miss it as she is one of my closest friends and I love her and would love to be at her hen do! However, today she has messaged the group asking everyone to send over £75 by 8am tomorrow for the deposit.

I messaged on the chat with just MOH and said sorry but I am not able to do that until end of the month, will that be an issue? And she said it was inconvenient but might be ok, which is a bit of a non answer IMO.

A huge part of me just wants to say I can’t afford it and duck out, but I’m worried that my friendship with the bride to be would suffer! As well as this I feel like it would be cruel for me to have made it work for the last couple (all in same friendship group).

So…

YANBU - it doesn’t fit with your budget and you need to prioritise. Your friend will understand.

YABU - Find a way to make it work, you don’t want to risk a great friend.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 13/08/2023 14:30

Honestly, no I wouldn’t be going if I had a tight budget, debts and had already spent £600 on hen parties this year. That money could have been used to pay down the debts.

CeriB82 · 13/08/2023 14:32

I jibbed from 2. For the same bride. I can’t afford it. Weddings and hen nights are becoming mire ridiculously expensive with each one. Thankfully i don’t get invited to them (too old !) and by looking at the photos of the ones I refused to go to, im glad. Certainly not my cup of tea. Im not a clubbing/stripper kinda girl.

if you can’t afford it stand your ground.

unicornhair · 13/08/2023 14:36

They are becoming ridiculous. I had to tell one MOH that if I came to the hen (hundreds of pounds in the 90s) I wouldn’t be able to afford to come to the wedding. She was really put out.
People need to stop spending other peoples money like this.

SunRainStorm · 13/08/2023 14:37

YANBU.

Say you can't afford it. That you could afford the last one is neither here nor there.

You shouldn't spend thousands of pounds on expensive hens dos in support of your friends when it's causing you financial stress and prolonging your debt problems.

Call the bride, tell her you're sorry but you can't afford this one. Ask to cook her dinner and hear all about it afterwards.

If she's a real friend she'll understand.

BrawnWild · 13/08/2023 14:37

As you get older, you get more confident in making the right decision and peer pressure is less of a factor.

Dont go is mu advice. It's already stressful for you and MOH trying to make it work.

A "great friend" will understand and it will be simple all round. Sometimes you lose or grow out of some friends when they act like arseholes because you cant afford something.

This sounds like a growing up period for you where you learn to prioritise yourself and your finances instead of just getting more debt like you did when you were younger.

Ibouncetothebeat · 13/08/2023 14:38

Pull out now before and plans or bookings are made. You have to be sensible. Ask the bride if she would prefer you at her wedding or hen do.

chipsandpeas · 13/08/2023 14:38

if your friend doesnt understand your situation then shes not a friend

panko · 13/08/2023 14:38

I'd tell her you can't afford it but will take her out to wagamamas when she's back so she can fill you in on the deets

ChrisPPancake · 13/08/2023 14:40

Nope. Don't go if you can't afford it. Invitation and not a summons and all that. If the bride is as good a friend as you think she won't mind.

TheChippendenSpook · 13/08/2023 14:40

If the bride falls out with you because you can't afford to go then she isn't a great friend.

AnSolas · 13/08/2023 14:41

Dont go
tell the bride you know that you wont be able to make the payments on time and dont want anybody having to loan you the money as you fear you will end up falling out over the money

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 13/08/2023 14:42

Gone are the days where it was a simple last night of freedom down the local pub just before the wedding. Now all these silly holidays months before a wedding 🙄

Admittedly I'm not married and at this point I don't think I ever wish to be, but had my engagement gotten as far as a hen party, I would absolutely not be going abroad or throwing something that would cost everybody a fortune, especially since half of them now seemed planned to absorb the cost of the bride. I'd be horrified at anyone I know feeling how you feel, I'd not enjoy it.

I'd tell them so long. If they were a real friend they'd not care that you weren't able to pay hundreds and get yourself debt ridden for something so stupid.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/08/2023 14:43

Even those who are happy to spend the £400 are going to be shocked by having to stump up £75 within 24 hours - especially so far away from most people's pay days. She is being unreasonable giving only 24 hours notice for that much money.

Circumferences · 13/08/2023 14:43

If you don't pay the £75 deposit will the others need to pay more?
Only because if they do, it might make your decision to not go even more unpopular.
If it makes no difference to the rest of them I think you can choose not to go more freely.

You've got a few weeks to decide at least. If it were me I'd try to make it, but yeah it's shit being skint just because someone else is having a wedding!

Original poster
Snickerdoodle55 · 13/08/2023 14:44

She is a wonderful human being and we have been close ever since secondary schools. I don’t think she would be angry or there would be arguments about it I just think that she would be disappointed and hurt I guess is what I should have said. I think I knew the answer before posting but I am grateful for the confirmation. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Snickerdoodle55 · 13/08/2023 14:45

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/08/2023 14:43

Even those who are happy to spend the £400 are going to be shocked by having to stump up £75 within 24 hours - especially so far away from most people's pay days. She is being unreasonable giving only 24 hours notice for that much money.

9 of the girls have already paid which is making me feel even more like a loser for not having the money 🤣

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 13/08/2023 14:47

If she's a good friend, she will be disappointed but wouldn't want you putting yourself in debt to be there. I'd go to the bride directly and explain and say you'd love to go but you are paying off debts and you just can't afford it right now but you really want to celebrate her so can you take her out just the two of you and then you do something lovely that's within your budget? You could maybe contribute something to the hen, maybe make up a surprise box for her to open while she's away so you can be there in spirit and she knows you're thinking of her?

TheChippendenSpook · 13/08/2023 14:47

Snickerdoodle55 · 13/08/2023 14:44

She is a wonderful human being and we have been close ever since secondary schools. I don’t think she would be angry or there would be arguments about it I just think that she would be disappointed and hurt I guess is what I should have said. I think I knew the answer before posting but I am grateful for the confirmation. X

Her being hurt is upsetting for you though and if you're going to have an expensive hen do then you've got to accept that people won't be able to afford it.

I'd want my friends there so I would arrange a hen do that they could attend. It would be more important to do something that my friends could all attend, so in my opinion she shouldn't feel hurt.

Gillyyy · 13/08/2023 14:48

I don’t know where the hen party is, but is there a possibility of doing part of it? So going for an activity or a meal and drinks but not the whole thing? This wouldn’t work if it’s far away but if it’s fairly local you could maybe make something work?

If not, I think if you can save up the money, maybe selling things on vinted to get to your target or just do something with the bride like an afternoon tea sometime. There’s often cheaper ones on groupon. Hen do’s are getting so expensive and inconvenient and then usually you have expenses for the wedding as well.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2023 14:51

A big part of being an adult is to not do or buy things you can't afford. A real friend will understand this.

GoldenSpangles · 13/08/2023 14:53

This is the sort of thing that got you into debt in the first place. If the bride is that nice she'll understand. Pull out now rather than dragging it out. It's already putting the MOH in a difficult position. What is she meant to do - pay your share of the deposit - and hope you do pay up?

VeryMad · 13/08/2023 14:56

I think a really good friend would understand.

AutumnLeaves5 · 13/08/2023 14:58

Snickerdoodle55 · 13/08/2023 14:45

9 of the girls have already paid which is making me feel even more like a loser for not having the money 🤣

Show quote history

They might be putting it on a credit card and getting themselves into more debt. You’re doing the right thing - taking responsibility for your finances and being honest about what you can/can’t afford will put you in a good place in the future.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/08/2023 15:05

If the bride would spurn you for not attending the hen, she's not a real friend.

It's absurd to impoverish yourself to attend these silly OTT events. She's getting married, not curing cancer.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/08/2023 15:07

You aren't a loser for not having the funds.

No true friend would put you in this position.