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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a hen do I can’t afford

144 replies

Snickerdoodle55 · 13/08/2023 14:27

First post, keen to get some other opinions! I am single and live alone and despite an OK job, I am on a very tight budget month to month as I am also paying down debts from my early twenties. This year, I have been to one hen do which cost £400+ and was a UK weekend away. I have also paid £200ish out for another one next year, and I was only able to manage this as I requested donations from family for my birthday in order to help pay them off. I have recently been added to a WhatsApp group by one of my close friends MOH to communicate plans for the hen which will be in the middle of summer next year and gave a rough cost (£300-£400) so after seeing that I created a separate chat with the MOH just to explain my situation and that I would need a bit of flexibility in paying but wouldn’t miss it as she is one of my closest friends and I love her and would love to be at her hen do! However, today she has messaged the group asking everyone to send over £75 by 8am tomorrow for the deposit.

I messaged on the chat with just MOH and said sorry but I am not able to do that until end of the month, will that be an issue? And she said it was inconvenient but might be ok, which is a bit of a non answer IMO.

A huge part of me just wants to say I can’t afford it and duck out, but I’m worried that my friendship with the bride to be would suffer! As well as this I feel like it would be cruel for me to have made it work for the last couple (all in same friendship group).

So…

YANBU - it doesn’t fit with your budget and you need to prioritise. Your friend will understand.

YABU - Find a way to make it work, you don’t want to risk a great friend.

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 14/08/2023 07:34

InSpainTheRain · 13/08/2023 15:09

I would reply on the group chat saying you are sorry but it's out of budget for you and you won't be attending. Don't be swayed, if they don't understand that they are not true friends. I also think these things can escalate so start at 300 then before you know it it's 500 for a weekend and as.ppl have paid deposits they feel they have to go along with it. In my view the amount of money spent on these things is ridiculous these days.

This is a good point. The MOH sounds like the type who’ll announce, I dunno, present for the bride, a massage for everyone etc etc that people will have to chip in for

Ohyousillydivvy · 14/08/2023 07:38

I don't attend destination hen parties because it's an unnecessary and excessive cost. I live in an an area that's popular with stag and hen groups and they are horrendous. I really don't see the attraction of such over priced, alcohol fuelled celebrations which nearly always result in drama.

In my culture, we have a party for the bride attended by friends and family. It involves food, music and dancing and less financial angst for the guests. Don't put yourself into debt to accommodate people's indulgent wedding celebrations.

NeedToChangeName · 14/08/2023 07:43

YABU for allowing it to get to the stage of paying deposits before deciding whether to go

YABU for expecting MOH to subsidise you until you get money together

If you can pull out without anyone else incurring additional cost, that's fine

But, if the trip has been planned and costed on the basis of people who said they'd go, then I'd be annoyed with you for pulling out at this stage. It's not fair to expect other people to pay extra because you changed your mind

louderthan · 14/08/2023 07:46

Jesus if I knew someone was considering getting themselves into debt on my behalf I wouldn't be 'hurt' I'd be MORTIFIED.
Just talk to the bride! I don't get this idea that women who are getting married must be pandered to. The first ever hen do I went to, there was a plan to set up a kitty to pay for the hen's drinks all weekend (pub crawl treasure hunt type thing) and I said I couldn't contribute because I'd already paid to travel from the south east to Edinburgh and also she was a lawyer and I was on minimum wage.

louderthan · 14/08/2023 07:50

That idea was shelved and two other attendees thanked me afterwards, they couldn't afford it either but didn't want to say so!

ThanksItHasPockets · 14/08/2023 07:58

YANBU to back out due to cost. Do it as soon as possible before costs are fixed and your withdrawal means additional costs for the other attendees.

YABU to ask the MOH for payment plans or deadline extensions. She will very likely be left out of pocket and you have no idea of her financial situation.

rookiemere · 14/08/2023 08:01

@louderthan to be fair, it is a long standing tradition that the hens pay for the B2Bs drinks on the hen do. But I can see that when it extends to a full weekend, then it becomes more expensive.

TenoringBehind · 14/08/2023 08:03

Pull out now and just be upfront with the bride. No need to include the MOH in any discussions. If she’s a true friend she’ll understand and would be mortified at the idea of you getting into debt to attend.

I hope this trend for OTT hen weekends passes soon. I’m glad they weren’t a thing when I was that age.

LlynTegid · 14/08/2023 08:04

Politely decline now. It probably will cost a lot more than £300-£400 in the end.

Cosyblankets · 14/08/2023 08:06

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2023 21:13

I agree.

The bride will be thinking -but £400 was fine to spend on the hen do of friend a b and c but not me??

That's what makes it awkward-you could afford the first 3 but not hers. (And then probably for friend e the year after)

Show quote history

Or she might realise that not everyone has an endless pot of money.
If you've already done 3 hen dos at that price where do you draw the line?

IsItThough · 14/08/2023 08:13

Its a shame you said you wouldn't miss it, but better tell them now than in 12 months time (am kind of amazed its being booked already). Be honest. This is beyond my means. The more people who say so the less this daft shit will perpetuate.

Speak (don't message) Bride separately.

Also there is no shame in not being able to afford unnecessarily expensive things at short notice.

louderthan · 14/08/2023 08:13

rookiemere · 14/08/2023 08:01

@louderthan to be fair, it is a long standing tradition that the hens pay for the B2Bs drinks on the hen do. But I can see that when it extends to a full weekend, then it becomes more expensive.

Is it? Fair enough. It was a tradition I couldn't afford at the time though (and probably still couldn't tbh!)

Janieforever · 14/08/2023 08:14

Cosyblankets · 14/08/2023 08:06

Or she might realise that not everyone has an endless pot of money.
If you've already done 3 hen dos at that price where do you draw the line?

Show quote history

It was an invite not a summons, the op knew her financial situation. She could have said no, and asking to borrow off the bride isn’t ok. She should have declined or had a proper conversation.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 14/08/2023 08:19

Hen/stag dos are getting out of hand. An extravagant do is a huge luxury in these COL crisis times. I'd bow out early! If the bride is such a good friend, then she should understand.

Pizza, wine and movie at home sounds much more fun!

greyhairnomore · 14/08/2023 08:33

The bride isn't a good friend if she won't accept you can't afford it.

Oldermum84 · 14/08/2023 08:37

I once agreed to a hen do when I was told we'd have to pay for 2 nights in a London hotel, told the cost, all fine. Then they added on very expensive dinners and experiences. Then they added on that each night we had to dress up in certain outfits that we would have to buy, think one was "moulin rouge". I pulled out at that point. I felt bad but I wasn't going to spend £500 on a 2 night break. I think this is mad. People should be upfront about the full cost and everything involved before asking people to come in the first place. I didn't have a hen do, another friend had a meal and drinks.

Sooze2023 · 14/08/2023 08:49

As Gillyyy says, can you join part of it? Let her know you want to go to the whole thing but it will leave you out of pocket.

Janieforever · 14/08/2023 08:56

greyhairnomore · 14/08/2023 08:33

The bride isn't a good friend if she won't accept you can't afford it.

She’s said she will accept it, and she’s also said she will only be disappointed after she agreed to go, knowing the cost.

she’s not said she wants to not go yet. She’s just asked the bride to pay for her till she can afford to pay her back

wellstopdoingitthen · 14/08/2023 09:05

xyz111 · 13/08/2023 15:47

I would speak to the friend and say you're so sorry but you're not going to be able to afford to go to her hen, but you would absolutely love to still do something with her, and maybe you two could go for a lovely afternoon tea somewhere? Then she knows that you still absolutely want to be a part of her celebration, and you're not just ducking out as you can't be bothered. But you need to have this conversation asap, there's nothing worse then planning for something and people drop out last minute.

This is a great response.

It's such a shame that these hen dos have got so ridiculously expensive. I wonder how many of the other participants are stressing about how to pay.

burnoutbabe · 14/08/2023 09:08

Isn't it the moh who is being asked to sub her the deposit.

Not the bride?

The moh may not even know the poster, so she is being asked to trust a stranger will pay her back a month later.

LimeCheesecake · 14/08/2023 09:09

@Snickerdoodle55 please ignore anyone suggesting that because you pulled together a similar sum for hen dos of others in the same friendship group that means you have to do it for this closer friend. It’s ok to pull out saying your finances have changed and you just can’t afford it. Tell the bride that too - don’t go into details (there’s always a temptation to overexplain) just say that your finances have taken a turn for the worse and you really can’t afford this.

agree a lunch or dinner with the bride would be cheaper and you can start saving towards that.

crumpet · 14/08/2023 09:13

Don’t go, but make sure you are the one to tell the bride and explain the situation- don’t leave it for the MOH to pass on the message

LimeCheesecake · 14/08/2023 09:15

Oh and the MOH is getting stick for organising something so expensive - it’s the same rough sum as the other hen dos this group of friends have had over the years, everyone has been happy to pay that, the OP is the only one who can’t and she’s hidden that she can’t afford it.

last weekend I went away with a group of my friends cost about that, it wasn’t a hen do but just a group of us who go away now and then. We are looking to do something end of this year but one of the woman has said she’s in midst of a house extension and can’t afford as much, so at the planning stage we’ve all lowered plans. If she hadn’t said anything, we’d have all assumed the previous budget would be ok. It’s ok to say you can’t do something, grown ups know that sometimes life changes mean you aren’t able to do what you could before- but best to speak up before plans are made.

Cosyblankets · 14/08/2023 09:15

LimeCheesecake · 14/08/2023 09:09

@Snickerdoodle55 please ignore anyone suggesting that because you pulled together a similar sum for hen dos of others in the same friendship group that means you have to do it for this closer friend. It’s ok to pull out saying your finances have changed and you just can’t afford it. Tell the bride that too - don’t go into details (there’s always a temptation to overexplain) just say that your finances have taken a turn for the worse and you really can’t afford this.

agree a lunch or dinner with the bride would be cheaper and you can start saving towards that.

This is exactly what i meant.
When you're in a group and you've done similar for others it's easy to just go along with it because you feel you have to in case someone gets upset because you did it for a couple of others.
Much better to have the conversation now.
We don't even know for sure that it's what the bride wants! For all you know she may well feel pressure to go along with it

coodawoodashooda · 14/08/2023 09:16

Snickerdoodle55 · 13/08/2023 14:44

She is a wonderful human being and we have been close ever since secondary schools. I don’t think she would be angry or there would be arguments about it I just think that she would be disappointed and hurt I guess is what I should have said. I think I knew the answer before posting but I am grateful for the confirmation. X

Don't go. Equally I'd suggest you can't ever expect a grand hen do for yourself though