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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a hen do I can’t afford

144 replies

Snickerdoodle55 · 13/08/2023 14:27

First post, keen to get some other opinions! I am single and live alone and despite an OK job, I am on a very tight budget month to month as I am also paying down debts from my early twenties. This year, I have been to one hen do which cost £400+ and was a UK weekend away. I have also paid £200ish out for another one next year, and I was only able to manage this as I requested donations from family for my birthday in order to help pay them off. I have recently been added to a WhatsApp group by one of my close friends MOH to communicate plans for the hen which will be in the middle of summer next year and gave a rough cost (£300-£400) so after seeing that I created a separate chat with the MOH just to explain my situation and that I would need a bit of flexibility in paying but wouldn’t miss it as she is one of my closest friends and I love her and would love to be at her hen do! However, today she has messaged the group asking everyone to send over £75 by 8am tomorrow for the deposit.

I messaged on the chat with just MOH and said sorry but I am not able to do that until end of the month, will that be an issue? And she said it was inconvenient but might be ok, which is a bit of a non answer IMO.

A huge part of me just wants to say I can’t afford it and duck out, but I’m worried that my friendship with the bride to be would suffer! As well as this I feel like it would be cruel for me to have made it work for the last couple (all in same friendship group).

So…

YANBU - it doesn’t fit with your budget and you need to prioritise. Your friend will understand.

YABU - Find a way to make it work, you don’t want to risk a great friend.

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 13/08/2023 15:09

I would reply on the group chat saying you are sorry but it's out of budget for you and you won't be attending. Don't be swayed, if they don't understand that they are not true friends. I also think these things can escalate so start at 300 then before you know it it's 500 for a weekend and as.ppl have paid deposits they feel they have to go along with it. In my view the amount of money spent on these things is ridiculous these days.

AHugeTinyMistake · 13/08/2023 15:10

It's absurd to commit to an event you can't really afford. You've got the wedding yet and there will be expenses for that - travel, a gift, maybe a hotel.

If they're saying the hen will be X hundred pounds now by the time the date arrives there will be other expenses on top. It's inevitable. It will just stress you out having to drink tap water while the others are having wine, having to duck out of spontaneous arrangements because you can't afford.

Best to be straight now and say sorry you can't afford it but I would like to take you out for afternoon tea or whatever.

SirTain · 13/08/2023 15:11

TheChippendenSpook · 13/08/2023 14:40

If the bride falls out with you because you can't afford to go then she isn't a great friend.

This.

TregunaMekoides · 13/08/2023 15:11

I'd have been gutted if my MOH had organised a hen do that excluded people who were close to me. Well. To be honest I'd have been gutted if there had been one at all as they are really not my scene.

I think the bride will be fine, albeit sad that you are missing out, as that is the price of organising these fancy dos. I would offer to host the bride for dinner and drinks at your house to celebrate just the two of you.

babybird123 · 13/08/2023 15:13

YANBU
Ridiculous. Plus the cost of attending the actual wedding, hotel, gift. Having such expensive hen parties is selfish and if you can't afford it then say no.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/08/2023 15:13

I think if you've had two hen-dos this year and another one planned for next year, you have three weddings on the Horizon.

If you have a schedule and estimate of the actual weddings you can plan accordingly and you can then be fully confident in saying you are prioritising weddings rather than hen dos.

My DC had 3 weddings to go to this summer. Two were supposedly "informal" in the country, but as they don't have a car this meant a nightmare of trains and ubers to and from the station and the reception and then a night in a hotel, with ubers back and forth, not including outfits and a wedding present. One kind couple said in the invite, coming to the wedding is more important than presents so please don't bother with them. They also have hen dos coming up in the Autumn - where they only know the person getting married - and have said they are going to the wedding but not the hen ( using the work excuse)

Fyi re wedding attendance costs - book the night in hotel as soon as you are sure you are actually going and see if you can share with another guest. My DC left it until a month before and found that all rooms in the country area were completely sold out - except for one at £296 a night! Luckily one of the pubs also had a camp site and they only charged £10 a night for that and several friends were also staying there although it was considerably less glam.

Virginsexonthebeachplease · 13/08/2023 15:15

YANBU

FlamingoQueen · 13/08/2023 15:19

I would just say that you can’t go, otherwise you are going to be stressing over it for the next year. If the bride is a true friend, she will understand. I hate people spending my money for me! (My hen do was a meal out!).

sleepyscientist · 13/08/2023 15:21

You only live once! Are you over paying debts or just making the minimum? Unlike a lot on this thread I am not opposed to debt it helped us build a life over the years. If it is stopping you having a life it might be time to refinance it over a longer period so you can live a happy life and pay it off at a rate that allows you some freedom.

Talk to MOH if you can afford it at the end of the month. When I booked a hen I paid the deposit on my card and said hey it's X can we please pay this week. If someone said sorry I can't it wouldn't have been the end of the world.

MariaVT65 · 13/08/2023 15:27

YANBU.

£400 is a ridiculous amount and i’d be judging whoever organised that hen do instead of judging you. I had a small hen do with cheap activities (£5 for a game of laser quest). Also don’t feel bad about not having the money. I’m on 38k and i wouldn’t have £400 spare right now.

Howyiz · 13/08/2023 15:28

Say that you will save separately and if you are in a position to go at the time you will. Unfortunately, you're not in a position to commit right now.

Todaywego · 13/08/2023 15:33

Drop out now. It will end up costing more than this for sure.
If your friend is a true friend she won't be hurt - she'll understand. Why would anyone be hurt because a friend can't afford to do something?

sixswans · 13/08/2023 15:33

If there's 9 other people going then she will have a great time and be fine without you, it's absolutely fine to decline the invite. If she asks, tell her the truth

BCBird · 13/08/2023 15:38

You are not a loser for now having the funds. The hen parties are getting ridiculous in price. A true friend eoukd understand if you cannot afford it. I think if u tell your mate that you want to be at the wedding but cannot afford to do both that's fair enough. I too love aline- sometimes things are tight. Good luck OP

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/08/2023 15:38

Don’t do it- it’s ridiculous.
also hate to say it but her response to the deposit is an indicator that this won’t go down well.
Back out now rather than commit to what will be spiralling costs.

ihadamarveloustime · 13/08/2023 15:43

"I can't magic up money I don't have, and I don't think going into debt to attend parties is sensible. Do you?"

You need to grow up a bit and learn to say 'no', OP. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

xyz111 · 13/08/2023 15:47

I would speak to the friend and say you're so sorry but you're not going to be able to afford to go to her hen, but you would absolutely love to still do something with her, and maybe you two could go for a lovely afternoon tea somewhere? Then she knows that you still absolutely want to be a part of her celebration, and you're not just ducking out as you can't be bothered. But you need to have this conversation asap, there's nothing worse then planning for something and people drop out last minute.

Bigminnie1 · 13/08/2023 15:50

I think it's utter madness that hens cost this much nowadays. When we all got married 20 plus years ago, we all made sure that our best friends, who organised the hen do, kept the budget low so that everyone could afford it and most of them were no more than about £50. We always took into consideration everyone's finances and no one would have been upset if someone said they couldn't come as they couldn't afford it.

I would speak to the bride and tell her the situation, how stressed and upset you are and that you can't afford to go. Apologise and offer to take her out for a drink/meal/whatever you can afford.

I actually don't know how people in their 20s/early 30s can afford to pay for several hens a year plus the costa of going to someone's wedding. We were all in decent careers and couldn't have paid.

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2023 15:54

I think it depends on what notice you had

If you knew bride a and b were engaged and both getting married next year you can anticipate attending 2 hen dos /so you decide in advance wether you are attending both or just one (the person you are closer too).

If however bride engaged in January and booked hen do then for summer 24, with no idea bride b was planning similar you can say no to bride b more easily.

luckylavender · 13/08/2023 15:55

BrawnWild · 13/08/2023 14:37

As you get older, you get more confident in making the right decision and peer pressure is less of a factor.

Dont go is mu advice. It's already stressful for you and MOH trying to make it work.

A "great friend" will understand and it will be simple all round. Sometimes you lose or grow out of some friends when they act like arseholes because you cant afford something.

This sounds like a growing up period for you where you learn to prioritise yourself and your finances instead of just getting more debt like you did when you were younger.

Well put

soberfabulous · 13/08/2023 15:59

YANBU and if this was a real true friend they would understand.

Pinkitydrinkity · 13/08/2023 16:21

Definitely YANBU not to go! It’s not fair of the MOHs(/brides) to assume that everyone can afford £200/£300/£400 on a weekend!

I’d find a deal for a spa day or afternoon tea for two for the bride closer to the wedding.

EhrlicheFrau · 13/08/2023 16:28

YANBU.
A good friend would should not want you to get into debt over a hen night. If I'm honest I don't really understand why so many folk feel the need to have expensive hen nights, especially if their friends/family are clearly on a budget/struggling/don't want to take on more debt.

MinnieGirl · 13/08/2023 16:35

These hen party’s are getting ridiculous…l
Shes a close friend so message her directly…

So sorry I won’t be going to your hen party. As you know, I’m in a very tight budget month to month and I simply cannot afford these parties. But….. wine and pizza at my place and I want all the gory details!

If she’s a good friend she will understand.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/08/2023 16:40

MinnieGirl · 13/08/2023 16:35

These hen party’s are getting ridiculous…l
Shes a close friend so message her directly…

So sorry I won’t be going to your hen party. As you know, I’m in a very tight budget month to month and I simply cannot afford these parties. But….. wine and pizza at my place and I want all the gory details!

If she’s a good friend she will understand.

The wine and pizza night sounds a lot more fun.

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