To not go to a hen do I can’t afford

[Snickerdoodle55]

First post, keen to get some other opinions! I am single and live alone and despite an OK job, I am on a very tight budget month to month as I am also paying down debts from my early twenties. This year, I have been to one hen do which cost £400+ and was a UK weekend away. I have also paid £200ish out for another one next year, and I was only able to manage this as I requested donations from family for my birthday in order to help pay them off. I have recently been added to a WhatsApp group by one of my close friends MOH to communicate plans for the hen which will be in the middle of summer next year and gave a rough cost (£300-£400) so after seeing that I created a separate chat with the MOH just to explain my situation and that I would need a bit of flexibility in paying but wouldn’t miss it as she is one of my closest friends and I love her and would love to be at her hen do! However, today she has messaged the group asking everyone to send over £75 by 8am tomorrow for the deposit.

I messaged on the chat with just MOH and said sorry but I am not able to do that until end of the month, will that be an issue? And she said it was inconvenient but might be ok, which is a bit of a non answer IMO.

A huge part of me just wants to say I can’t afford it and duck out, but I’m worried that my friendship with the bride to be would suffer! As well as this I feel like it would be cruel for me to have made it work for the last couple (all in same friendship group).

So…

YANBU - it doesn’t fit with your budget and you need to prioritise. Your friend will understand.

YABU - Find a way to make it work, you don’t want to risk a great friend.

I wouldn't go to a hen do abroad. I don't get chance to go abroad too often so don't want to use my time/money on a destination not of my choice, with a bunch of people where i may only know a few. Rather save it for hols with my OH.

Luckily my friends prefer good old fashioned tacky hen parties closer to home 😂

So, YANBU, You shouldn't be making yourself short of money for other people's weddings.

The bride will understand that you're not able to make it along. Ignore any 'noise' from anyone else about it.
I'd let her and the organiser know, and remove yourself from the WhatsApp group so you don't see any more messages.
I agree with another poster, those having already paid may now be putting the rest of the month's food shop / car fuel on a credit card. Or they may be in a very different financial situation to you. Don't give it headspace, you have to do what's right for you and what you can afford.

Reading the op she hasn't actually said yes she said she'd been added to a what'sapp group.
She's not asking to borrow off the bride.

She hasn't asked to borrow off the bride, but effectively by asking to pay when she can she would be borrowing off the MOH.

Yeah, don't borrow off anyone!

There was 24 hours between being added to the group and being told about deposits. There was no question about whether or not people were ok with the idea for the hen or an opportunity to opt in or out.

I messaged on the chat with just MOH and said sorry but I am not able to do that until end of the month, will that be an issue? And she said it was inconvenient but might be ok, which is a bit of a non answer IMO.

That wasn’t a non-answer, OP. It was an attempt to say no from someone who didn’t feel able to give you a direct no. You need to tell her that you can’t pay the deposit before the end of the month and therefore with regret you can’t attend as the current plan is unaffordable for you. You have effectively asked her for credit as if you were sticking a Shein order on Klarna.

If you are honest with her you may find that others are struggling too and she will be able
to revise the plans accordingly.

Hello! thanks for all of your feedback. I just wanted to clear up a few things.

I was not asking to borrow money from MOH and certainly not from the bride. I believe the deposit has already been paid and the request for £75 based on the number of people the bride requested at her hen do. As I mentioned above there was no opt in / out opportunity it was just assumed all OK and no chance to say otherwise.

There was a 24 hour gap between being added to the group and being asked for the deposit money.

The last thing I was hoping to achieve by messaging MOH re being on a tight budget would be that she or the bride pay for me, I just wanted to let her know that I may need to pay a little bit here and there and would appreciate the flexibility. I did not suggest at any stage that I would not pay the same as everyone else attending.

The reason I was able to make it work for the hen do this year is due to having asked for money towards it for my birthday and Christmas from family.

This year, I am trying to fix my credit score in order to hopefully take on the mortgage for my home, so any bit of extra money is going towards paying down debts.

I spoke with B2B yesterday on the phone and just explained my situation and she was really reasonable actually and not cross at all. She said it’s just a big party - being at the wedding is more important to her. She said she would love for me to be there but understands that I need to prioritise other things and she would hate for me to be delayed in getting the mortgage as a result of paying for the hen. I’m going to take her out and do something lovely in the run up to the wedding.

MOH said she can add me on at a later date if anything changes.

I guess that pretty much covers everything!

Great outcome. B2B sounds like a sensible bride and a good friend.

I am glad that this is resolved, OP, and that the B2B has been reasonable. It is a bit heartbreaking that you have sacrificed birthday and Christmas presents to celebrate other people's hen dos.

Just for the future, however, asking for 'flexibility' with payments is asking for a payment plan and is a form of credit. You cannot ask this of friends. It sounds like you have worked really hard to get yourself out of debt and this is something to be proud of. If you need a payment plan then you can't afford it, and there is absolutely no shame in this; you need to be a bit more assertive in communicating it.

This is absolutely fair and something I will work on for future experiments. I didn’t consider really that it would mean asking others to pay my way and I am not comfortable with that at all so upon reflection I shouldn’t have asked that from someone I don’t know too well (MOH).

Experiences* not experiments 🤣

Great outcome

I think there is some learning here for the organisers in that it's not okay to assume that everyone on the bride's invite list will be able to make it along. Leaving only 24 hours between setting up the group and announcing that deposits are owed isn't on.

@MonsterCalling that’s great way to think about anything. OP, for the future, a mortgage should be your only payment plan. Once you’ve cleared your other debts, everything else should be viewed as affordable or not.

Glad the B2B was understanding 😀

Glad you were able to speak and the response you had showed the bride to be is a real friend.

True friends would understand do what you feel comfortable with. You say you are already paying of earlier debts don't add to them.

i may be out of touch ( married for 16 years and 14 &15 yr old children) but i can't get my head around the cost of hen parties, baby showers etc (and don't get me started on gender reveals) i think it's completely unreasonable and inconsiderate to ask people to shell out money on expensive hen weekends especially when it's costly to attend a wedding if you add in gifts, travel, overnight stay etc. i told my dear friend that i couldn't afford to do a hen weekend in london for hers but i'd take her out for a meal before and she was very understanding. i know it's nice to have an exciting run up to a wedding but your financial wellbeing is more important than a hen party.