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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a hen do I can’t afford

144 replies

Snickerdoodle55 · 13/08/2023 14:27

First post, keen to get some other opinions! I am single and live alone and despite an OK job, I am on a very tight budget month to month as I am also paying down debts from my early twenties. This year, I have been to one hen do which cost £400+ and was a UK weekend away. I have also paid £200ish out for another one next year, and I was only able to manage this as I requested donations from family for my birthday in order to help pay them off. I have recently been added to a WhatsApp group by one of my close friends MOH to communicate plans for the hen which will be in the middle of summer next year and gave a rough cost (£300-£400) so after seeing that I created a separate chat with the MOH just to explain my situation and that I would need a bit of flexibility in paying but wouldn’t miss it as she is one of my closest friends and I love her and would love to be at her hen do! However, today she has messaged the group asking everyone to send over £75 by 8am tomorrow for the deposit.

I messaged on the chat with just MOH and said sorry but I am not able to do that until end of the month, will that be an issue? And she said it was inconvenient but might be ok, which is a bit of a non answer IMO.

A huge part of me just wants to say I can’t afford it and duck out, but I’m worried that my friendship with the bride to be would suffer! As well as this I feel like it would be cruel for me to have made it work for the last couple (all in same friendship group).

So…

YANBU - it doesn’t fit with your budget and you need to prioritise. Your friend will understand.

YABU - Find a way to make it work, you don’t want to risk a great friend.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 13/08/2023 16:42

YANBU.

But you need to say you aren't going ASAP. It's not fair on the organiser to be worried that she might end up out of pocket as she might have credit card amounts due before you pay up your share if you can't pay up on time.

Also I think it's fair enough that people have the hen do that the majority of friends can afford, if that's what they want. Not everything has to be at the lowest common denominator. I'd message your friend and say that you can't go to the hen do but you would love to take her out for afternoon tea or something similar instead. I'm sure she will understand.

Mimilamore · 13/08/2023 16:49

If she is a true friend and you have no track record for not paying then she will understand. If she doesn't then she is not a real, good times/ bad times friend and don't go...
PS these hen dos have got really out of hand, putting people in difficult situations...

5128gap · 13/08/2023 16:50

Whatever you decide OP, cut out the middle woman and talk directly to your friend the bride.
Getting married in the coming year doesn't render our friends incapable of conversations with us, requiring all communication to be via their MOH. The reason these things escalate and end up in miscommunication and bad feeling is almost always due to the relaying of information via a somewhat over zealous friend of a friend MOH.

rookiemere · 13/08/2023 16:52

ihadamarveloustime · 13/08/2023 15:43

"I can't magic up money I don't have, and I don't think going into debt to attend parties is sensible. Do you?"

You need to grow up a bit and learn to say 'no', OP. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

Sorry who do you think OP should be saying this to ?

If it's the organiser then a simple "Sorry this is out of my budget, I'll do something separate with B2B, have fun !" would suffice. Or do you think she deserves people being rude to her simply because she is trying to organise an event ?

Cosyblankets · 13/08/2023 16:59

Deal directly with the bride not the MOH and tell her you can't afford it. Do something else with her instead
I wonder how many of the other 9 can happily afford it or feel pressure to cough up.

SmudgeButt · 13/08/2023 17:00

Boggles me completely that people can afford these things and that brides to be or their moms or whomever expect that everyone has this sort of cash.

Normal wages around here for average people mean they are lucky to take home £1400 a month. Rent might be £800 to £1k. Add all the other bills, like getting to work, utilities, food. To think that someone can then spend maybe £1k in a year on wedding parties is ludicrous. (Yes I don know that this is mumsnet and everyone surely earns well into 6 figures)

Oh and don't forget there's the actual wedding to go to (hotel? drinks? time off work?) and a present for the lovely couple (& don't be cheap!!!). Completely ridiculous. No one who is your friend should expect you to bankrupt yourself for the sake of their big day.

EldenRing4 · 13/08/2023 17:06

YANBU OP.
It's OK for you to miss it but do so immediately. Please don't strain your finances for a hen do.
I'm getting married soon and the entitlement amazes me. Who has got that much money lying around to spend on someone else's wedding??

VisionsOfSplendour · 13/08/2023 17:12

Snickerdoodle55 · 13/08/2023 14:44

She is a wonderful human being and we have been close ever since secondary schools. I don’t think she would be angry or there would be arguments about it I just think that she would be disappointed and hurt I guess is what I should have said. I think I knew the answer before posting but I am grateful for the confirmation. X

She isnt a friend if she'd be hurt that you're on a tight budget, that would be ridiculous. Does she usually make it all about her?

No one is ever unreasonable not to do an optional activity because they lack funds

YouOKHun · 13/08/2023 17:18

I think it is out of order to place such a financial burden on close friends unless you’re absolutely sure they are easily able to manage. When I got married (in 2000, a long time ago) I organised my own hen do because it was me who knew all those invited and could pitch it so no one felt under pressure. I’d have hated anyone to feel they had to spend more than they could afford or miss out altogether. Mind you that was back when the norm was a night out; not extravagant compared to some hen do’s frequently mentioned on MN but no less enjoyable and no noses out of joint.

LimeCheesecake · 13/08/2023 17:19

It’s really hard when you are in a different financial situation to most of your friends. Hen dos are one of those things that highlight the difference, particularly if the bride has been a good enough friend to only suggest meet ups /meals out normally that she knows you can afford, doing more expensive things with other friends so it’s not been obvious/you’ve not been in the position to have to say no.

but you can’t afford this. Pull out now. The MOH might be stressing from your message that you won’t pay and she’s going to have to find your share if she confirms you a place.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 13/08/2023 17:26

Pull out now before you end up having up pull out due to lack of funds and potentially lose monehn

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 13/08/2023 17:27

OP if you can't afford it back out politely NOW.

It will only get more difficult down the line as more of your £ is spent. And unlike some posters I disagree strongly that if your dropping out could end up costing the others more ££ so suck it up. It's completely disrespectful for the organiser to happily spend the money of others and rely on numbers to get x price. That's on her not you and for the others to handle it if it should happen.

Be strong OP Grin

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 13/08/2023 17:27

And trust me, costs are bound to spiral they always do with these event's

converseandjeans · 13/08/2023 17:32

It would be cheaper to pay for nice dinner out for you both & gift her a bottle of champagne. Or take her on spa day.

It won't just be £400 - suddenly you will have to stump up for clothes, taxis, drinks, food, gift for hen etc

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 13/08/2023 17:33

YANBU I don’t understand why women keep planning extravagant hen dos costing £400 upwards without first considering if their friends can actually afford this sort of money comfortably. It’s a lot to ask people to pay when they aren’t choosing the location etc like they would with their own holiday.

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2023 17:34

Do you think you can manage the £400 by next summer? Is it mainly the very short notice £75 deposit that’s the stress, or the whole thing? It sounds like you thought you’d be able to do it by next summer but the deposit has thrown you?

I think as you’re already in a chat with the MOH about it I’d say don’t stress about the deposit - if she’s got 9 out of 10 I’m sure she can cover it. Tell her you can afford £400 in total but no more as you are so stretched, and you’ll need to pay her in instalments - give her the timetable of when you can pay by. Be realistic when you work it out. Then I’d also tell my friend the bride the situation- she knows you’re strapped for cash presumably?

You could pull out but it sounds like you do want to go and could manage it but the timing is hard, so I’d be upfront and see what both bride and MOH say.

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2023 17:37

It would be cheaper to pay for nice dinner out for you both & gift her a bottle of champagne. Or take her on spa day.

Or tell the bride this - that you can’t afford the hen and don’t want her to think she’s not important so can you plan her a spa session instead in the run-up so she can relax?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/08/2023 17:39

‘Much as I’d love to come, I’m afraid I really can’t afford it.’

The more people have the guts to say no to these ridiculously expensive hen do’s, the faster they may cease to become the expected thing.

rookiemere · 13/08/2023 17:39

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2023 17:34

Do you think you can manage the £400 by next summer? Is it mainly the very short notice £75 deposit that’s the stress, or the whole thing? It sounds like you thought you’d be able to do it by next summer but the deposit has thrown you?

I think as you’re already in a chat with the MOH about it I’d say don’t stress about the deposit - if she’s got 9 out of 10 I’m sure she can cover it. Tell her you can afford £400 in total but no more as you are so stretched, and you’ll need to pay her in instalments - give her the timetable of when you can pay by. Be realistic when you work it out. Then I’d also tell my friend the bride the situation- she knows you’re strapped for cash presumably?

You could pull out but it sounds like you do want to go and could manage it but the timing is hard, so I’d be upfront and see what both bride and MOH say.

Sorry but it's really unfair to expect the MOH to be out of pocket.

It's a big enough responsibility to organise an event of this size, without the worry of ending up financially out of pocket.

I think the fact that OP is struggling with finding the money for the deposit is a clear sign that this trip is too expensive for her.

I'd also like to point out that many women like going on hen dos, or having breaks with their friends. Not everything needs to be priced at the lowest common denominator and there are other options to celebrate with the B2B if you can't afford or don't want to go on the hen do.

Peony654 · 13/08/2023 17:42

Much better to be honest now if you can’t go. It’s far more annoying if you pull out later once they’ve planned accommodation. But maybe talk to the bride privately. I paid for one of my friends to come on my hen

AllGrownUpp · 13/08/2023 17:44

I would message the bride directly and explain you’re really sorry but you simply can’t afford her hen and committing to it will cause you stress and you really hopes she understands.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/08/2023 17:45

Cosyblankets · 13/08/2023 16:59

Deal directly with the bride not the MOH and tell her you can't afford it. Do something else with her instead
I wonder how many of the other 9 can happily afford it or feel pressure to cough up.

Yep, this.

It's all just so presumptuous and absurd. Some people don't have an extra 400 to spend on themselves in a year let alone someone else's perfectly routine, ordinary nuptials. The wedding celebration is plenty.

No decent person burdens friends and family with hens, stags, showers, teas, brunches and all of these other ancillary expenses that are far out of the ordinary.

Want a pre-wedding tea or pub crawl with all of your besties? Host it yourself and pay for it.

ReginaPhalang3 · 13/08/2023 17:48

I think hen parties are getting way out of hand! I specifically asked me MOH to make sure what they planned wasn’t too expensive and also had activities people could opt in or out of if they needed to make it cheaper but wanted to come. One of my close friends couldn’t make it as they were buying a house so we just went for dinner instead! Really didn’t mind.

If you’re having an expensive hen do you just have to accept not everyone will be able to come.

diddl · 13/08/2023 18:08

If enough people said no then surely hen parties like this wouldn't keep happening?

To me £400+ is a ridiculous amount for a weekend away!

I think that you are very unlucky to have three friends who all wanted/want to have such hen dos!

EldenRing4 · 13/08/2023 19:28

rookiemere · 13/08/2023 17:39

Sorry but it's really unfair to expect the MOH to be out of pocket.

It's a big enough responsibility to organise an event of this size, without the worry of ending up financially out of pocket.

I think the fact that OP is struggling with finding the money for the deposit is a clear sign that this trip is too expensive for her.

I'd also like to point out that many women like going on hen dos, or having breaks with their friends. Not everything needs to be priced at the lowest common denominator and there are other options to celebrate with the B2B if you can't afford or don't want to go on the hen do.

Show quote history

The problem isn't the cost of the hen do per se - it's the way it's organised. For any other party it would be extremely bad manners to make people pay to attend.
But for a hen-do... the MOH is supposed to organise it without telling the bride, and it becomes very dictatorial.

As a bride-to-be my hen do with the bridal party was jointly discussed and agreed, budget and location (an European city). They planned most of the itinerary. I had a low key pub 'dinner and drinks' for other friends, most of whom had various financial situations.

Looking on bride forums I seem to be in the minority. People seem to have zero consideration for those who are supposedly their 'friends', organising expensive bashes and expecting people to attend. A lot of awkwardness also arises because of the secrecy, the MOH might not know the guests unlike the bride, so nobody can communicate.