Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a hen do I can’t afford

144 replies

Snickerdoodle55 · 13/08/2023 14:27

First post, keen to get some other opinions! I am single and live alone and despite an OK job, I am on a very tight budget month to month as I am also paying down debts from my early twenties. This year, I have been to one hen do which cost £400+ and was a UK weekend away. I have also paid £200ish out for another one next year, and I was only able to manage this as I requested donations from family for my birthday in order to help pay them off. I have recently been added to a WhatsApp group by one of my close friends MOH to communicate plans for the hen which will be in the middle of summer next year and gave a rough cost (£300-£400) so after seeing that I created a separate chat with the MOH just to explain my situation and that I would need a bit of flexibility in paying but wouldn’t miss it as she is one of my closest friends and I love her and would love to be at her hen do! However, today she has messaged the group asking everyone to send over £75 by 8am tomorrow for the deposit.

I messaged on the chat with just MOH and said sorry but I am not able to do that until end of the month, will that be an issue? And she said it was inconvenient but might be ok, which is a bit of a non answer IMO.

A huge part of me just wants to say I can’t afford it and duck out, but I’m worried that my friendship with the bride to be would suffer! As well as this I feel like it would be cruel for me to have made it work for the last couple (all in same friendship group).

So…

YANBU - it doesn’t fit with your budget and you need to prioritise. Your friend will understand.

YABU - Find a way to make it work, you don’t want to risk a great friend.

OP posts:
VoldemortsSockCollection · 13/08/2023 19:45

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it! A good friend will understand.

BlowDryRat · 13/08/2023 20:16

YANBU. I never understood people getting in a financial pickle over hen do's. If you can afford it, great. If you can't, politely decline and take the bride out for dinner another night. Depending on the location, you might also be able to just join in with the group meal on one of the nights.

Louiseeee · 13/08/2023 20:24

If you’ve managed to go to other hens of your friends in the same friend group I think she might take it personally you not going and be hurt, but I also think asking for money so soon rather than giving you a date in advance/ allowing people to pay when they have the money is unreasonable. I’d speak to the bride and if you want to/can go I’d let her know you want to be there but can only pay towards it on your payday, I’m sure that would be more convenient for the other people attending the hen too.

Echobelly · 13/08/2023 20:28

And this is why I had a hen do that cost £15 a head (for canal boat hire)! But YANBU to say you've had an expensive year and much as you'd love to come you just can't afford it; offer to do something nice with bride-to-be instead? A 'Not but...' is always better than a 'No', especially if you can suggest a specific idea.

Laurdo · 13/08/2023 20:49

This is why I organised my own hen do. I'd hated the idea of someone else organising some elaborate and expensive trip and asking my other friends for money.

Hen dos are getting ridiculous now and when you think the people going also have to stump up for a wedding outfit, attending the wedding and a wedding gift just a couple of months later it's just too much.

For my hen do we went to a tribute night in a hotel that included a meal. There was the option to stay over and we could also add a spa day on. Cost ranged from £29-£100 depending on what people wanted to do/could afford and it was local so minimal travel.

If the bride is a good friend she will understand and honestly she'll probably be heartbroken that you've been put in this situation.

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2023 21:13

Louiseeee · 13/08/2023 20:24

If you’ve managed to go to other hens of your friends in the same friend group I think she might take it personally you not going and be hurt, but I also think asking for money so soon rather than giving you a date in advance/ allowing people to pay when they have the money is unreasonable. I’d speak to the bride and if you want to/can go I’d let her know you want to be there but can only pay towards it on your payday, I’m sure that would be more convenient for the other people attending the hen too.

I agree.

The bride will be thinking -but £400 was fine to spend on the hen do of friend a b and c but not me??

That's what makes it awkward-you could afford the first 3 but not hers. (And then probably for friend e the year after)

rookiemere · 13/08/2023 21:27

Louiseeee · 13/08/2023 20:24

If you’ve managed to go to other hens of your friends in the same friend group I think she might take it personally you not going and be hurt, but I also think asking for money so soon rather than giving you a date in advance/ allowing people to pay when they have the money is unreasonable. I’d speak to the bride and if you want to/can go I’d let her know you want to be there but can only pay towards it on your payday, I’m sure that would be more convenient for the other people attending the hen too.

Yeah but kind of sucks for the poor organiser who now has no firm financial commitment from the people who are meant to be attending and may be responsible for putting other people's share on her credit card.
Just because she can afford £400, doesn't mean she's an oligarch. In other threads when poor sods are charged with organising one of these shindigs, they're always recommended to get a deposit or the whole amount up front.

Cubeagsnog · 13/08/2023 21:31

The problem is that you told the MOH you definitely wanted to go, so it's entirely possible that she's worked out costs on that basis and dropping out now will increase costs for others.

Yes, you did tell her you'd need flexibility paying, but that's really not her problem. These things are a nightmare to organise and I've been in the situation of endlessly chasing for payment while being significantly out of pocket for similar events. It's not fair to expect her to come up with bespoke payment plans for everyone that wants one!

Agree with others that you shouldn't go, but please let MOH know ASAP.

I'm sure you can do something cheaper and nicer with your friend, where you'll actually get to spend some quality time together without hordes of others.

rookiemere · 13/08/2023 21:36

And also to add to that, if I was the organiser and B2B started suggesting I - by default of not collecting a deposit from anyone- became personally liable for the whole stay for 10 people, then unless she was prepared to guarantee the full amount, I'd have to back out of being involved.

Look OP is struggling to pay the deposit, it's clear that the full weekend is going to be a financial stretch. This seems a really good point to say, you know what I would love to go but I simply can't afford it. Not I want to go and if only the organiser would cover my share - not sure if she knows OP - because I'll pay her in dribs and drabs when I can, and probably ends up dropping out because of cost later down the line anyway.

heatherheathe · 13/08/2023 21:42

It depends, if I'm understanding right it's not that your circumstances have changed, or that you can't fund the £300-400, it's just coming up with £75 at short notice that's the issue. In which case you've already paid up to 2/3rd of the total cost (and I assume won't be getting it back), then I personally would either
just say to MOH that you can't do it now and leave it up to her to sort, or put the £75 on a credit card, rather than losing the money you've already paid and potentially risking the friendship.

I know there's a sunken cost fallacy etc. but personally having already paid out that it would seem a shame to not go if you can and otherwise want to. It would be different if the total amount had increased, or your circumstances had altered significantly or you just didn't want to go.

I don't know why everyone is moaning about the hen being inconsiderate - as the MN fave saying goes, it's an invite not a summons. It's the hen's celebration, if she wants to do something nice for what will hopefully be a one-off celebration then she is absolutely allowed to do that rather than settling for a shit night down the local pub - with the caveat that she understands that some people might not want/be able to afford that so not everyone she invites will come. The fact that the majority of the invitees have paid up instantly suggests that they all both want and can afford the celebration - why should 9 people miss out on something they want to do just because one friend can't afford it? If you worked on that basis nobody would ever do any socialising.

MuggleMe · 13/08/2023 22:01

Treat her for lunch just the two of you, it'll be more meaningful than being one of a dozen.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 13/08/2023 22:18

I think if she's a good enough friend, she will understand.

I would say no, unless someone else can front you the deposit.

ChrisPPancake · 13/08/2023 22:45

diddl · 13/08/2023 18:08

If enough people said no then surely hen parties like this wouldn't keep happening?

To me £400+ is a ridiculous amount for a weekend away!

I think that you are very unlucky to have three friends who all wanted/want to have such hen dos!

Absolutely. These multi-hundreds/thousands affairs baffle me. My hen do was me and my best mate out on the lash and ended with me in A&E with a broken ankle but that was like 400 years ago.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/08/2023 01:16

Cubeagsnog · 13/08/2023 21:31

The problem is that you told the MOH you definitely wanted to go, so it's entirely possible that she's worked out costs on that basis and dropping out now will increase costs for others.

Yes, you did tell her you'd need flexibility paying, but that's really not her problem. These things are a nightmare to organise and I've been in the situation of endlessly chasing for payment while being significantly out of pocket for similar events. It's not fair to expect her to come up with bespoke payment plans for everyone that wants one!

Agree with others that you shouldn't go, but please let MOH know ASAP.

I'm sure you can do something cheaper and nicer with your friend, where you'll actually get to spend some quality time together without hordes of others.

Maybe they are "a nightmare to organize" for a reason, and scaling down would make most participants very happy.

grumpycow1 · 14/08/2023 01:22

I’d send a message directly to your friend saying that you are really sorry but £300-400 isn’t doable right now but you’re gutted etc and you’d love to take her out for lunch nearer the time to make up for it. You don’t want to rely on MOH conveying the message!

AgentJohnson · 14/08/2023 01:53

Thankfully I don’t live in a country where expensive hen parties are a thing and secondly, I wouldn’t pay for it if it was.

readbooksdrinktea · 14/08/2023 01:55

Why would you be unreasonable for that? Seems sensible.

Catsmere · 14/08/2023 06:33

If the bride’s friendship is dependent on you spending money you can’t afford then she’s not a friend, imo. It’s just a bloody OTT party and excuse for stupid behaviour. Don’t waste your money or your time.

MonsterCalling · 14/08/2023 06:50

Absolutely YANBU but make sure that the bride hears it from you, ideally in person, and just be honest with her. A genuine friend might be disappointed but will understand. Do not let her hear it from the MOH, who could put all kinds of spin on it.

Janieforever · 14/08/2023 07:05

I think you need to pull out.

As effectively what you’re asking for is to borrow the money from her, so she pays for you when it needs paying and you pay later. She may not be able to afford that in the run up to a wedding. But that’s what it boils down to, you’re asking to borrow the money, she then pays the venue for you, and you pay her back when you can afford it.

mildlydispeptic · 14/08/2023 07:17

You and never BU for bowing out of something you can't afford, OP.

BlastedPimples · 14/08/2023 07:24

I wouldn't go on any of these hen dos. They are very expensive and I just wouldn't be able to afford it at all.

And I would have no qualms being very polite and explaining why it's just not possible for me to go.

I would send a bottle of champagne with the MoH for the weekend.

Yogazmum · 14/08/2023 07:28

I would just say you can’t afford it and take your friend out for a special brunch or something instead. If she’s a good friend she will understand.
One of my friends is very wealthy and has lots of wealthy friends and I backed out of her hen do as it started to get ridiculous when the girl who organised it started quoting £1k each for accommodation and flights etc…
Hen dos are mental nowadays!

rookiemere · 14/08/2023 07:30

On mumsnet everyone had a curry and a dance round their handbags at their local pub for their hen do. To be fair I made sure mine was affordable by having it at a big youth hostel type place, and paying the remainder for anyone who dropped out.

However one of the benefits of women earning their own money is surely they can spend it how they wish. 9 women seemed to have no issue coming up with the deposit, so I hate this narrative that anything more than a night out at the local pizza parlour with a bottle of lambrusco is ridiculous decadence.

OP can't afford the hen do, or could only afford it by having MOH loaning her from her own pocket, with quite a lot of uncertainty if she will get paid back.

I'm sure B2B will understand that not everyone can afford £300-400 so just tell her you simply can't afford it, you hope they all have a great time and let's get a date in the diary for you to treat her to lunch or afternoon tea.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 14/08/2023 07:32

I just don’t go on expensive ones anymore… if it involves a flight I’m definitely out. They’ve got silly though. DPs friend was best man and wanted everyone to pay £600 for a weekend in the U.K., that was before food and drink…
If you’ve got debts and going to them is prolonging the issue I would 100% not be going