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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

unfair of me to ask ex for more money?

129 replies

bluestarrsy · 13/08/2023 08:53

We have a 20 month DD. Ex DP has a lot of issues and we parted on amicable terms. He struggles very much with his mental health and since the split four months ago he hasn’t seen DD. I’ve not pushed it, I know he’s got problems and isn’t coping too well.

However, he earns well. I earn ok and he’s on almost double that. When we split he agreed to pay me 800 a month to cover costs for DD. This seemed like a lot at the time and I was grateful (the maintenance calculator comes up with 30 quid less). But I’m suddenly realising that it doesn’t go far with nursery fees (currently 1,200 a month full time).

Would I be unfair to ask for more money? He has recently been sent to a v v expensive area for work and accommodation is not subsidised so I know he is now paying around 1,800 a month purely on rent costs (he sent me the link on Rightmove and it’s not even that nice!!).

I am not sure what to do. On the one hand I feel like he’s left me to cope alone but also I know he’s not a bad person he’s just got a lot of struggles. I can afford our life as it is but part of it feels unfair that I’m managing everything and will have to deal with all increased living costs alone.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 13/08/2023 08:59

It's awful that literally his only contribution, only covers just over 60% of nursery fees...

Have you checked the calculations? And made sure it is down as him having no overnight stays?

Are you entitled to any UC or other help towards childcare?

NEmama · 13/08/2023 09:00

Can you sign up to tax free childcare. Do you get child benefit

Original poster
bluestarrsy · 13/08/2023 09:05

@GabriellaMontez yeah I have checked and he’s paying slightly more than the calculator suggests.

@NEmama already do that, thank you. Not entitled to CB though

OP posts:
Jessbow · 13/08/2023 09:29

so even if your nursery is £1200 pm,you cant run a month old on £400?

I assume with a bill that big, she is fed most of her meals at nursery

Granted you have housing costs but what else?

Original poster
bluestarrsy · 13/08/2023 09:36

@Jessbow sorry not sure what you mean about 400?

OP posts:
Original poster
bluestarrsy · 13/08/2023 09:36

@Jessbow yes meals are included but i still feed dc at weekends and evenings obviously

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 13/08/2023 09:39

bluestarrsy · 13/08/2023 09:36

@Jessbow sorry not sure what you mean about 400?

If you share nursery costs it is£600 each. He gives you£200 more than this, so if you match that, you get to £400 for the month for other expenses.

GabriellaMontez · 13/08/2023 09:39

Yanbu to ask for a bigger contribution.

He's obviously well enough to be paid over £100k and be trusted enough to be sent away by work.

Why he's not been able to make any practical or emotional contribution is a mystery. The least he could do, is up his financial support at such an expensive time.

Original poster
bluestarrsy · 13/08/2023 09:41

vdbfamily · 13/08/2023 09:39

If you share nursery costs it is£600 each. He gives you£200 more than this, so if you match that, you get to £400 for the month for other expenses.

Show quote history

@vdbfamily yes see what you mean. I guess that’s why I’m wondering if it’s unfair to ask for me. I supppse I feel I’m doing all the physical and emotional labour too and stretching me financially is another thing on top of that, although I can afford it just about

OP posts:
Jessbow · 13/08/2023 09:42

£400 is what is left if you contribute equally to the cost of the child.

He contributes half ,as do you

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/08/2023 09:43

Ask. Explain the current costs. Worst he can do is say no.

panko · 13/08/2023 09:45

Do you match what he pays you?

Tbh if you need more I think if you wrote out a budget of exactly what you are spending for a couple of months then asked it will be more apparent why he should consider it.

GabriellaMontez · 13/08/2023 09:46

vdbfamily · 13/08/2023 09:39

If you share nursery costs it is£600 each. He gives you£200 more than this, so if you match that, you get to £400 for the month for other expenses.

Show quote history

The MRAs have arrived.

To let you know that you can manage, and should continue, to do 100% of the emotional and practical work of raising your daughter.

You should also meet precisely 50% of the financial contribution.

If that feels unfair, or hard. If you're exhausted or stressed about bills because you do Everything. You should be grateful for his contribution and a roof over your head. /sarcasm

Virginsexonthebeachplease · 13/08/2023 09:48

I think you are unreasonable if you ask for more. £800 is a decent contribution. You're getting half nursery costs.

what PP means is if he pays £800 and nursery fees are £1200 that's like you are paying £600 each for nursery and then he's paying an extra £200. If you match that extra £200 then you've got £400 on top of nursery (5 days a week) which usually includes food and what are your expenses that you need more than that?

I think you're actually doing well to be able to afford full time nursery as many people can't. Just because he earns more doesn't mean you get to have it. He's helping with nursery feed and you are able to work full time.

GabriellaMontez · 13/08/2023 09:50

Jessbow · 13/08/2023 09:42

£400 is what is left if you contribute equally to the cost of the child.

He contributes half ,as do you

Difference being, he does fuck all.

Not a pick up or a bath or a shopping trip, meal, outing, Drs appointment, sick day, not a thought.

panko · 13/08/2023 09:51

GabriellaMontez · 13/08/2023 09:50

Difference being, he does fuck all.

Not a pick up or a bath or a shopping trip, meal, outing, Drs appointment, sick day, not a thought.

Show quote history

And? It's not payment for looking after your child. It's money for the child's needs.

Spirallingdownwards · 13/08/2023 09:53

You can ask but the reality is you know he is already paying more than you would get if he refuses and you went to CMS.

vdbfamily · 13/08/2023 09:55

GabriellaMontez · 13/08/2023 09:46

The MRAs have arrived.

To let you know that you can manage, and should continue, to do 100% of the emotional and practical work of raising your daughter.

You should also meet precisely 50% of the financial contribution.

If that feels unfair, or hard. If you're exhausted or stressed about bills because you do Everything. You should be grateful for his contribution and a roof over your head. /sarcasm

Show quote history

Absolutely no idea what an MRA is but OP asked where the figure £400 had come from and I explained. Was not giving an opinion either way!!

BibbleandSqwauk · 13/08/2023 09:56

And what about expenses other than nursery costs and weekend food? What about clothes, toys, play equipment, trips out? And what about an acknowledgement that the OP can't upsticks and earn more on a whim like the ex can? That whilst she's obviously doing well, she is limited as to overtime, overnight trips and therefore promotion and pension increases? All of these invisible costs to the RP are never factored in but are real. Its not just a simple equation of day to day costs split 50/50 (not that most NRPs pay anything like 50%). There'll be lots of replies focusing on the £800 as a figure being so much more than most get and the op is greedy but if you really do work out what that child costs, taking all of the above into account and the exes earning potential, it's deeply unfair.

BoohooWoohoo · 13/08/2023 09:56

He earns double what Op does so if they were together, a fair split of nursery fees would be 800/400. He's not really contributing to anything else like the fact that OP's career may have had to slow down because a promotion would be mean travel or longer hours.

Unfortunately he's only legally liable for what the calculator says. Are you in contact with his family? A total long shot but practical help would probably be very appreciated by you right now.

GabriellaMontez · 13/08/2023 09:56

panko · 13/08/2023 09:51

And? It's not payment for looking after your child. It's money for the child's needs.

Show quote history

What? How is looking after the child not meeting 'the child's needs'?

Meeting the child's needs has a cost.

BananaSlug · 13/08/2023 09:57

You can ask no harm really he can say no, though I do think £800 is a LOT for one child a month and it’s one of the highest I’ve heard so he is clearly a very high earner.

Wishitsnows · 13/08/2023 09:58

Yes you should ask. You are doing everything so the least he can do is cover the nursery costs

FilthyBeast · 13/08/2023 09:58

You should definitely ask for more money because in a split the other parent usually has the children some part of the week, this guy doesn't see her at all. I don't know why he is too ill to see his child but not ill enough to stop working. Maybe not have her overnight or alone if he is that fragile, but what not even see her a couple of hours a week? What an arsehole.
Milk him for all the money you could get, you and your child are more than entitled to.

MBailey99 · 13/08/2023 10:00

I'm in two minds here and it's hard to say without knowing how much he earns. £800 is a big chunk. I understand though childcare costs are awful, mine are 1100 a month and I get a measly 120 from sons dad who sees him in a contact centre. Do you get any benefits?

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