unfair of me to ask ex for more money?

[bluestarrsy]

We have a 20 month DD. Ex DP has a lot of issues and we parted on amicable terms. He struggles very much with his mental health and since the split four months ago he hasn’t seen DD. I’ve not pushed it, I know he’s got problems and isn’t coping too well.

However, he earns well. I earn ok and he’s on almost double that. When we split he agreed to pay me 800 a month to cover costs for DD. This seemed like a lot at the time and I was grateful (the maintenance calculator comes up with 30 quid less). But I’m suddenly realising that it doesn’t go far with nursery fees (currently 1,200 a month full time).

Would I be unfair to ask for more money? He has recently been sent to a v v expensive area for work and accommodation is not subsidised so I know he is now paying around 1,800 a month purely on rent costs (he sent me the link on Rightmove and it’s not even that nice!!).

I am not sure what to do. On the one hand I feel like he’s left me to cope alone but also I know he’s not a bad person he’s just got a lot of struggles. I can afford our life as it is but part of it feels unfair that I’m managing everything and will have to deal with all increased living costs alone.

The issue is the laws in this country. Cms works on a percentage of income. There's no way of forcing an uninterested parent to take any interest. If he did have the child say Friday/Saturday nights it wouldn't reduce the childcare costs but would reduce cms. Its a shit situation that benefits men but since they're the ones who predominantly make the rules no surprise there.

OP have you been using tax free childcare, it might help bring the costs down a little

Does he really need to pay 1800 in rent though?

@bardosya that really really isn't the point. OP earns a decent salary, I'm sure she's clued up enough to know about any tax free childcare. The point is that the child has two parents who ought to be contributing equally to ALL costs, not just childcare.

Yes claiming the tax free element

It’s difficult isn’t it because there’s no actual working formula that makes it fair and also a lot of single parents, myself included, if we are being honest, would not want a 50/50 arrangement. I didn’t, so I had to accept I did more of everything. It’s just how it is. I’m not saying everyone, and I know people who do 50/50 successfully but I don’t think it is the norm and lots of mothers wouldn’t want it.

so given that, you have to find a way at of making a measurable contribution and money is it, but it’s not ever truly fair. I bear the lions share of cost for my children, on the other hand I benefit from having control over all of the important decisions affecting them, and more time to spend with them.

@peebles32 i helped him find somewhere, options were awful, even this place is pretty grotty

£800 is a lot. If it's more than CMS I wouldn't be rocking the boat otherwise you'll be coming out with less after fees etc. Not saying you should be grateful but I'd be wary of not shooting myself in the foot and coming off worse.

If it helps I think most people take a massive hit on nursery If they want to work full time :( it will get better

It's for both of them to work! You'd probably complain if the OP opted out of work and went on benefits too.

If you’re not entitled to CB then you must be earning £60k minimum, therefore he’s earning around £120k so taking home over £6k.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for more than £800 a month given if he was a present active father you’d benefit from him time as well.

I mean this very kindly but … Your ex gives you plenty money and you need to manage it because whilst he may make more money he is no longer your life partner and once he has paid his share (which you agree is more than child maintenance calculator already) his wages are his money, much like any other stranger.

I say this because it will help in the long run to come up with a coping strategy/childcare plan you can afford for yourself that doesn’t rely on his extra money. With no strategy you are suddenly goosed if he takes away the extra money. This way you don’t rely on the ex.

all too often on MN I see women in financial mess and stuck because they haven’t planned for “I have to do this alone now”

@Merryoldgoat he’s earning 98k, I’m on 60… I was being a bit rough with my figures but obviously I’m not entitled to CB as just on the threshold

@panko yes but you still have wrap around care and then as they get older their clothes, shoes, sports kit, activities, then phones and tech and social life and cars and driving lessons and they eat more and university. It doesn't stop.

Do you pay into pension?

You're on £60k and he gives you £800? That's more than a lot of households earn with two parents working.

Like a PP said, you need to find a strategy to manage your money on your own. If your ex is made redundant next week and struggles to find work (I know a few people who have been out of for work for 6 months + after redundancy) then you'll be receiving diddly squat from him.

Yes but it gets easier

@Kellogg1 we are managing, not in a financial mess, but obviously knowing I’m paying more than he is towards our child doesn’t seem fair. Hence my question as to whether I should ask or not rock the boat.

@CornishGem1975 see my reply above

These threads always turn into a depressing commentary from women whose useless ex’s contribute a pittance to the cost of raining their children - so they think anyone getting more than then should count themselves lucky.

awful that women have such low expectations of men

never said any of that!!

I don’t think £800 a month is a pittance.

I think yabu if he's giving you more than what cms would suggest. And yes, I do understand that cms is the legal minimum, £800 is a lot of money if you take away nursery fees.
I don't think its fair to ask him..

Show him the figures and ask. The worst he can do is say no. Sadly, nothing you can do about if he does say no.

But you can't just "take away the nursery fees". It's irrelevant what the actual figure is .MIT's all about percentages. What percentage of the OPs take home is spent on child related costs compared to the ex?
As for those saying the op should manage and budget alone...yes I'm a practical, reality sense she probably should since the CMS is so utterly ineffectual but from a moral point of view why should she be working on the basis of that contribution being precarious? (Any.more so than any parent relies on their own or the fathers income.).